Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Paper for history of the restoration movement by Patrick Baird

By Popular Demand here it is:

A Woman's Place In God's Kingdom

While I have no idea where a woman's place in God's kingdom is I do know where they don't belong in the church building: the men's restroom. This ought to be fairly obvious. After all the sign does clearly designate a trouser-clad figure; this obviously can't be a woman since women always wear dresses to church. But sometimes when in the restroom at church I cringe in fear that women might burst in at any moment. This is simply not acceptable. No one should excrete in fear at a building filled with Christian people.

Why would women seek to infringe on our rightful place? This has been a slow evolution over many years and with many reasons. To begin with the women's restroom has become more than simply a place to relieve one's self. It is easy to see that when a room like that looses its function it is natural to move toward another room that has retained its original purpose. Such Restorationist sentiments could only lead women to run to the men's bathroom as it is “A bathroom only”. However they forget that the men's church of Christ restrooms are “not the only bathrooms”.

With its second entrance from the nursery and its changing tables the women's restroom has become a place where women go for many reasons. Why do women need an entrance to their restroom from the nursery? Because an entire church service with children can wear on one's nerves. Even the most grizzled mother needs to get out of the trenches for a short break every once and a while. Thus women have twisted many a church architect into including a “back door” to their restroom. It is only the slanderous nature of women for this to devolve into an area of gossip and gathering during worship. Women who wish to escape this downward spiral will eventually be able to hold their bladders no longer and look for another place to bodily function.

Another reason women seek to enter the men's restroom is to make men sin. Sin entered the world through Eve and women have been repeating her gullible ways ever since. Women do not realize that by entering the men's restroom they are sinning and possible causing men to sin. They have been confused by years of having little boys in their bathroom accompanied by mothers. Just as the serpent slowly desensitized Eve to the fruit he has blurred their sight when it comes to distinguishing the role of gender in restrooms. They easily forget that men use urinals and are easily startled by women in this position. They seems to assume that since they will be using a stall they will not be causing any harm. Some women think that since fathers can take daughters into the men's restroom, doing so will restore their youth. This vanity is a dangerous foe to both the women afflicted and the men who suffer its stall-knocking consequences. Perhaps some women make the mistake of assuming that there will be more toilet paper in the men's restroom. This is simply not true. While women overflow their own restroom devouring their own resources, we men know that we use less and opt to save trees, like good stewards of God's earth and have less toilet paper to begin with.

All of these reasons support my beliefs, rooted in deep femme-phobia, that women do not belong in the men's restrooms of churches of Christ throughout God's kingdom.

No comments: