Harding Humor

Columbus the Childrens Programming Producer

2011-10-10T23:49:00.001-05:00

Columbus was known for claiming things already owned by others well before claiming the Caribbean Islands for Spain. This lead to one particularly embarrassing event that went something like this:

A drunken Chris walks into the throne room of Philip (KP) and Isabella (QI) with a pony
CC: "Your Highnesses! Don't think you can get rid of me this easily. I will keep after you til you send me on a westward route to Asia!"
KP: "Chris I don't know what you're talking about, we've told you we'll give you the money at the beginning of the next fiscal year."
CC: "Don't know what I'm talking about! That's rich! You're just getting richer by the day, with nothing to spare for your old explorer buddy."
QI: "Enough nonsense! Why do you have that thing in my palace? I just had the floors done."
CC: "I just found this thing in my bed! Think I wouldn't notice a small horse in my bed? Well its my little horse now and there's nothing you ninnies can do about it!"
KP: (aside to his guard) "I told you to put a severed horse head in his bed. As a threat."
Guard: "I thought you said to put a stunted horse kid in his bed. For laughs."
KP: "Look you can keep the little horsey, its our gift to you to show you we're still thinking of you."
CC: "Oh I'm keeping it. I'm naming it Pony and painting it pretty pastel colors. And feeding it skittles so it poops rainbows. YOU HEAR ME THIS IS MY LITTLE PONY!"
KP: "What are skittles?"
QI: "Fine, but know this is the last of your demands we will put up with."
CC: "Oh you say that now, but once I'm in explorer mode I'll be famous and you'll give me what I want, like a talking backpack and map that shows up when I call for it. And I'll be allowed to ask the invisible people for help whenever I want. Cause that's what it means to be AN EXPLORA oh good SENORA!"
QI: "That doesn't really rhyme."
KP: "What's a backpack?"
CC: "C'mon My Little Pony let's go show these ingrates the magic of friendship. I'll let you come on the exploration with me." (to Philip and Isabella) "Peace!"
Columbus exits hastily with his small horse. Isabella and Philip sigh in relief.
KP: "Thank god that man doesn't have children they'd be frightened to death of the things of which he speaks."
QI: "I need to go puke now."

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pockets: Columbus Edition

2011-10-10T23:39:00.002-05:00

Christopher Columbus was found dead with the following items in his billowy medieval trousers:

Mysterious coinage with an all seeing eye and pyramid on it.
"Barber of Seville" costumer reward punch card, punched to completion for one free shave and blood letting.
Half eaten "Disease-On-A-Stick"
45 vinyl single of Sublime's "Wrong Way"
Carnival Cruise tickets to St. Bart's
Passport
Kenneth Grahame's "The Wind and the Willows"
"Cootie Catcher" folded paper divination toy with various cat paw marking on the inside.

Columbus Facts

2011-10-10T22:53:00.003-05:00

So today we kickoff a new era of Harding Humor, only not really. Today is the official relaunch of our beloved weblog and the intention was to integrate Videos and Meme-based images into the format. However due to technical difficulties this has not been the case. Stay tuned as we continue to battle the evil tech monsters in my computer and/or internet connection and upload the content belatedly.

In the meanwhile here are some facts related to our beloved Christopher Columbus, delivered in tried and true HH formats (mainly lists):

Columbus's real name was Bob Hope and he struck his fame and fortune while attempting to film his first special, "Undiscovered Route to India".

Like any good sailor Columbus had several tattoos. They are as follows:

A tattoo of Queen Isabella purging her dinner, the blackmail that got him his funding as well as the inspiration for the band Thin Lizzy's name.
A map of the Vatican. Knowing he was directionally challenged but deeply religious, he got this tattoo to ensure he never stumbled into the Pope's personal chamberpot emporium.
The face of his beloved kitty cat Nostrada-puss who spoke to Columbus regularly and dictated his day-to-day activities telepathically.
"Thug Life" across his diaphragm.

The Knights of Columbus where originally a group of venture capitalists out to corner the aglet market, but as they were all devout Catholics they couldn't keep the monopoly together. They attempted to venture into unknown realms taking their name after the explorer who ventured into the unknown, However like their namesake they became lost and confused in the process and ended up becoming a Catholic fraternal service order.

Columbus Day Rage

2011-10-10T00:27:00.002-05:00

Better view at Memebase. Follow the Jump. Enjoy.
PRB

My Paper for history of the restoration movement by Patrick Baird

2011-04-28T12:58:00.001-05:00

By Popular Demand here it is:

A Woman's Place In God's Kingdom

While I have no idea where a woman's place in God's kingdom is I do know where they don't belong in the church building: the men's restroom. This ought to be fairly obvious. After all the sign does clearly designate a trouser-clad figure; this obviously can't be a woman since women always wear dresses to church. But sometimes when in the restroom at church I cringe in fear that women might burst in at any moment. This is simply not acceptable. No one should excrete in fear at a building filled with Christian people.

Why would women seek to infringe on our rightful place? This has been a slow evolution over many years and with many reasons. To begin with the women's restroom has become more than simply a place to relieve one's self. It is easy to see that when a room like that looses its function it is natural to move toward another room that has retained its original purpose. Such Restorationist sentiments could only lead women to run to the men's bathroom as it is “A bathroom only”. However they forget that the men's church of Christ restrooms are “not the only bathrooms”.

With its second entrance from the nursery and its changing tables the women's restroom has become a place where women go for many reasons. Why do women need an entrance to their restroom from the nursery? Because an entire church service with children can wear on one's nerves. Even the most grizzled mother needs to get out of the trenches for a short break every once and a while. Thus women have twisted many a church architect into including a “back door” to their restroom. It is only the slanderous nature of women for this to devolve into an area of gossip and gathering during worship. Women who wish to escape this downward spiral will eventually be able to hold their bladders no longer and look for another place to bodily function.

Another reason women seek to enter the men's restroom is to make men sin. Sin entered the world through Eve and women have been repeating her gullible ways ever since. Women do not realize that by entering the men's restroom they are sinning and possible causing men to sin. They have been confused by years of having little boys in their bathroom accompanied by mothers. Just as the serpent slowly desensitized Eve to the fruit he has blurred their sight when it comes to distinguishing the role of gender in restrooms. They easily forget that men use urinals and are easily startled by women in this position. They seems to assume that since they will be using a stall they will not be causing any harm. Some women think that since fathers can take daughters into the men's restroom, doing so will restore their youth. This vanity is a dangerous foe to both the women afflicted and the men who suffer its stall-knocking consequences. Perhaps some women make the mistake of assuming that there will be more toilet paper in the men's restroom. This is simply not true. While women overflow their own restroom devouring their own resources, we men know that we use less and opt to save trees, like good stewards of God's earth and have less toilet paper to begin with.

All of these reasons support my beliefs, rooted in deep femme-phobia, that women do not belong in the men's restrooms of churches of Christ throughout God's kingdom.

Tweet Action!

2011-03-20T22:36:00.002-05:00

Harding Humor is now on Twitter! Follow us for some of your favorite HH features re-imagined as tweets! Also help us create the most uncomfortable/strange hashtags ever!

Follow the jump

2011-01-31T09:31:00.003-06:00

So this blog is not officially dead, but no one writes on it anymore....so you decide what that means. Some people were asking me where I found a compilation of the best of #jewishrapnames, my favorite trending topic to date. I'm not sending it to all of you on facebook, if you want it come here and get it. So here it is. Stop asking me and look here.

http://bunyanchopshop.blogspot.com/2010/02/twitter-presents-jewish-rap-names.html

PB '??

President On A Shoestring

2010-09-08T11:23:00.006-05:00

So we've all heard the rumors and whispers around campus...Dr. Burks will retire soon but who will be his replacement? Understanding the stressful financial times besetting America we here at HH will give our humble advice on who we think should replace Dr. Burks and why they would be a quality by based on cost efficiency. So we begin a new article series "president on a shoestring".

First options: The Davids

This idea is simple all of these candidates have already saved us money in hiring due to the fact that they share Dr. Burks's first name (this way we don't have to change the towels).

1) Davey from the Davey and Goliath shorts
Davey has long been known as a part of American pop culture. His claymation TV series has been integrating faith, life, and learning since the 60s. Davey comes with several economic advantages. First he has an immense recruiting appeal. Secondly, he is clay, thus he doesn't need sustenance or amenities of any kind. Lastly, he is independently wealthy and thus may take the job for a very low salary, unless that pesky dog is around ("I'm going to take the harding job for free!" "I don't know Daveeeey!")

2) David Blaine/David Copperfield
These two magicians could make an excellent tag team for the office of university president. Aside from the name saving they also have great financial perks. They can both use magic to travel, cutting transportation costs. They can make students disappear and reappear during the nights, eliminating the need for dorms. They can also both perform "miracles" live on TV16! Suck on that televangelists!

3)David Hasselhoff
The Hoff comes with several perks as well. If Hasselhoff were to take the president position he would presumably bring KITT, eliminating transportation needs and Nate Copeland's position (sorry nate, but the economy calls for downsizing, your job has been automated by a talking car). Due to his experience on America's Got Talent, we would never need another judge for the CAB talent show. Also he would give us a competitive edge against Pepperdine: yeah you may see Pam Anderson every once in awhile in Malibu, but we MAKE you look at the Hoff every day in chapel....okay so maybe there is a downside.

4) David Beckham
I can sum up his contribution in two words: Posh Spice

5) Gen. David Petraeus
Upsides: most awesome Public Safety ever, built in ASI connections, and he won't let radical students burn Koran's
Downsides: would have to wear padded shoulder suitcoats to meet his maximum sex appeal potential

That sums up our David options, other shoestring options for the office of harding's president to come later.

PB '??

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer

2010-09-08T11:17:00.003-05:00

This summer Glenn Dillard spent the time he wasn't calling you or filling your mailbox in Finland, doubling as Jyrki Katainen. While doubling as the Finnish finance minister and leading EU figure, Dillard approved extra bailout money for Greece in order to save the EU and ensure that he can still lure students to campus with the HUG program. We'll next time you lead a double life Glenn, know that Harding Humor is watching you. Caught Ya!

PB '??

HUH? For Real Though...

2010-09-01T08:21:00.005-05:00

So even though Mr. Ramsey may think he was cute when he came up with the idea of Harding University Habits, I've got some bad news: there have been habits here that made me say HUH? for years. Check these out....

-The idea that riding a long board to class is in any way more efficient than just walking... or maybe just the idea that you don't look like a tool doing it.

-Sidewalk chalk is a valid form of advertising-from which you can expect results. (ex. "i'm really excited about souvenirs tonight, there should be a lot of new people after that intense sidewalk chalk campaign" followed by this reaction at the meeting "oh, its just more of the same kind of people that always come")

-Awkward = Indie (?)

-The people waiting outside of a locked classroom can be ignored by other professors with keys. (thank you bible faculty for changing this habit)

-Its okay to look exasperated when choosing to check your mail during the post chapel onslaught.

-Casual Frisbee tossing can only be performed in areas easily viewed by all students.

-The idea that whoever you are currently talking to knows everyone you know, even though that isn't mutual.

-Shoes are optional in public places (for the record I definitely saw Dr. Hopper take off his Union Jack socks and walk around/leave Midnight Oil barefoot... really? you should know better)

-Last but not least, everything can be explained with a circle graph.

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!!!!

2009-09-07T20:51:00.002-05:00

Another Fall, Another Summer past, and we're still stalking you.

This summer Ike Peters worked as a professional dance partner on Animal Planet's Dancing With the Animal Stars! Here he is rehearsing with his partner Buster, the dog that played Andrew (the dog with the ears) from Mary Poppins. Unfortunately Buster didn't do well in the competition and in a fit of rage marked Ike out for his own trainer, keeping other animals from dancing with him and thoroughly grossing out everyone else. Well, here's a tip from HH: Next time dance with the gimpy goose from Fly Away Home, that kid is gonna make it, he's a survivor. Just remember, whether you follow our advice or not, HH will know what you're doing!

Patrick's Journal

2009-09-02T22:01:00.005-05:00

This Semester HH will be farming articles out to my past self in a section called Patrick's Journal. I will be posting articles from my several years of required journal writing through my secondary school years. These articles show my contempt for the journal curriculum and some juvenile wit. Enjoy!

If I could be any cartoon character who would I choose?

This is easily the most ridiculous journal prompt so far this semester. The answer for everyone should hands-down be Mickey Mouse. Why you ask? Two words: Buttoned Boxers. Mickey Mouse has been traipsing around on the silver screen and other media since 1928 and no one has objected. I can't even enter a Waffle House in nothing but my boxers (and of course proper footwear and gloves). Seriously, I doubt that me being in my boxers would degrade the sanitary environment of Waffle House, in fact my bare skin would probably absorb some of the toxins and make the place healthier. However, this is apparently not socially acceptable. So how does Mickey get away with it. He has brilliantly legitimized the "just boxers" look by placing large white buttons on the front of them. Now, some would disagree with this. I have heard the arguments. Primarily that Mickey is in fact wearing overall shorts or suspenders and the bands match his fur coloring. Suspenders are right out. Suspenders are directly attached to the buttons, thus we would see a small strip of black from those buttons rising to the mouse's torso. The idea of overalls is dismissible on similar logic. However, on another, more important plane of thought, the question must be answered that if Mickey is wearing overall shorts why isn't he wearing a shirt. It is known worldwide that wearing overalls without shorts is rural at best and redneck in all reality. MICKEY MOUSE IS NOT A HICK!!! Thus the functionality of this buttons have been ruled out as part of a support device. Perhaps they work as a seal for a flap, such as for a reverse union suit? That may be....not. That is even sillier than suspenders. Why would Mickey wear union shorts that do not cover the rest of his body? He wouldn't. No, Mickey simply enjoys the finer points of life, which if you are male is running around in just your underwear. All men do it at some point and thoroughly enjoy it. Mickey has simply made this practice acceptable in proper company by placing large decorative buttons on the front of his boxers. So for all of us men. Rock on Mickey. Stick it to the man (or woman since a man would never invent such a silly code of conduct). As for the rest of us, myself included, we can only dream about being Mickey for a day. This is why I would be Mickey Mouse if I could be any cartoon character for a day.

Recession Effects Post Output, But HH Still Stirs Things Up...

2009-04-03T00:18:00.004-05:00

Dr. Dockery,
I had no idea that this would get back to you when I told Will about this (which is a very shortsighted view of Will's chagrin-ing powers).
-Patrick

Thanks to Stephanie O'Brien and TheChrisBerry for their voice analyzing skills and most of all
thanks to Dr. Dockery for having a sickfit amalgam of vocal characteristics (sickfit is a good adjective).

PRB '11, WR '11

Current Events

2009-02-10T20:57:00.005-06:00

Top News Copies to Cross the HH desks:

A-Rod is the talk of nation after confessions of steroid use come out. Who will ask the question on everyone's mind: Madonna still dates you because...?

A new study shows that obese women are more likely to give birth to babies with spina bifida, and in other news Icy-Hot and Pampers have created a new diaper for babies with lumbar lumps.
And oh, by the way Mrs Catchahaw County Fair, you can't remove a spina bifida lump with dry ice or Dran-o.

The AFP announced that French First Lady Carla Bruni is on her first AIDS trip this week. Meanwhile, Rolling Stone magazine announced that First Lady of Soul Aretha Franklin went on her first ACID trip since 1967 this week.

Woes in the California state budget may mean that state employees get to see Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger return to one of his more famous roles: The Terminator.

Despite the fact that millions of Americans are unprepared, the American television industry says it is still moving forward with plans to make the switch over to digital television. The good news is that at last we have proof that Rivers Cuomo is NOT the only person in the entertainment industry who hates his fans.

Tornado's in Oklahoma City this weekend have reminded citizens of the American Mid-West that you can never be to safe in a tornado warning situation. It has reminded the rest of America that they haven't seen a Bill Pullman movie in a while.

Have you heard the one about Bernie Madoff? How did we not see this coming? After all, Jews have always built the longest lasting pyramids.

PRB '11, KM '11

Educated Guesses

2009-01-28T10:10:00.001-06:00

Educated Guesses: What Will Dr. Burks Do After Retiring?

-Golf
-Become a chapel checker
-Give play by play commentary of Chapel for TV16
-Turn into a llama and attempt to reclaim his job from his adviser who is a secret evil scientist and who employs a not so bright henchman that coincidentally is an excellent cook. Along the way he will become friends with a shepherd and build an awesome lap-pool called Burks-O-Topia,, and in the end the scientist will turn into a kitten and the henchman will become a scout troop leader. (Whoa! I’m getting a serious case of déjà vu right now. How about you Kuzco?)
-Take up knitting
-Make futile attempts at learning knitting that always lead to strange déjà vu sensations that make him think he was once a llama
-Turn into a pumpkin
-Turn into a pumpkin and request to be sent to South America due to his strange intuition that pumpkins are safe there because llamas can’t digest pumpkins
-Lobby for congress to change the name of “New Mexico” to the more truthful (and less consequential) “Mint-Condition Mexico”.
-Fake his death and move into the secret closet of Pryor 123 with Tupac Shakur and become a mutli-platinum rapper under the direction of Tupac’s secret producer Dr. John Moon, Jr.
-Win a Nobel Prize in science for his groundbreaking expose on the dialectic stage of pocket lent
-Run across America and coin potently simple and deceptively wise anecdotes that will someday inspire a movie
-Experiment with Cryogenics
-Sponsor Harding’s new Bocce Ball club
-Secretly move up to two facials a day from his already secret one
-Hibernate

PRB '11, WR '11

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer

2008-09-15T21:50:00.002-05:00

Late summer has yielded several hurricanes and tropical storms. Although Searcy was mostly unaffected by these storms on very strong piece of Hurricane Ike reformed right in the living room of this house occupied by none other than Robert Dillinger and Christopher Woody. Here they survey the damage upon their return from Chuck E Cheese where the two participated in an epic skeeball tourney, which ended in a victory by skeeball champion Dr. David Burks. If any students feel compelled to assist these two in reassembling their lives, don't. They are bums, they had it coming to them. Looks like HH wasn't the only one that caught up with you two this summer. On behalf of mother nature and HH: Caught Ya!

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!

2008-09-12T11:32:00.003-05:00

This summer Alex Forcier had the privilege of meeting famous supervillian, Lex Luther. Lex was available at That Bookstore In Blytheville for signings of his recent book, "I Friggin' Hate Wheelchairs: Why It Is Entirely Unfair My Rival Is Superman". Alex said that Luther was very friendly, extremely articulate, short (although that might have just been the wheelchair), and is offering internships to potential supervillains. Science majors preferred, but other majors also accepted. Caught Ya!

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer

2008-09-12T11:17:00.003-05:00

Noah Gregersen
1989-2008

Noah Gregersen died this summer when he was viciously mauled by a bear. The bear has since been institutionalized for its compulsive attacks. The bear lured Noah over by growling that it had a piece of Salmon in its pocket. The bear then asked Noah if he would like a free hug sponsored by Delta Chi Delta and Regina. Noah accepted and asked if his friend would take this picture. After the hug the bear decided it wanted to taste Noah's spleen and it was all downhill from there. RIP Noah Gregersen. We will miss you.

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!

2008-09-11T17:47:00.003-05:00

Apparently Monday's Chapel was too late for Jordan Whetstone, who was recently caught starring in "The Notebook" with Rachel McAdams. To bad no one actually likes that movie. (Well at least not here at HH.) Did you really think we wouldn't know it was you? The hat's a dead giveaway. Caught Ya!

PRB '11

Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

2008-09-11T17:13:00.002-05:00

Over the past week, I have heard many different people speak with "scorn" (for lack of a better word) about Harding University's policies and regulations. Some of these discussions were with students of other universities. Many of these students couldn't understand why Harding was so strict on so many issues. However I have also had some discussions with Harding grads recently, who wouldn't trade their Harding experience for anything else. This got me thinking, and eventually investigating. I have delved down to the bottom of this phenomena. Hold on until you've read the whole theory: Harding is a giant degradation ceremony for a secret society. Consider what someone would do to join a fraternity. That person would give away all rights to any dignifying individuality in order to be identified with the group later and the benefits of the association. Harding does basically the same thing on a much more grandiose scale. Upon arrival you sign a contract agreeing to abide by their rules. You loose your right to drink at age 21, to use tobacco products, to express all of your ideas without censorship. You might say, "But it is legal for me to drink if I'm 21! C'mon Harding!" Well, often times degradation ceremonies pay no mind to the law. Technically hazing is illegal. Consider your own pledge experience at Harding. It should have been much more tame than any pledge process at a state school. After all, harding can't loose your blossoming new identity to internal divisions and smaller identities. I know that my pledge process for Knights Social Club was very rough on me mentally, but once it was over and I was identified as a Knight I would do it again in a heartbeat. This is common with survivors of any degradation ceremony. Members of national fraternal orders would go through three times what they endured originally in order to receive the benefits again. Not to mention the bonding that occurs with other pledges. This same thing happens at Harding. As students we enter this process to become the illustrious graduate, and thus we go through frustrating tribulations which in the process shape us and grow us closer together as a student body. And if you speak to any graduates they largely look back upon Harding with such fond memories. This is exactly what Harding wants to happen, they want us to loose our identity and then find it again on the other side. "But wait, this is terrible! It's like conformity camp!" I must disagree with this outcry. You can resist, you can even refuse, you can even leave or get kicked out. Harding wants this to happen it ensures the effectiveness of their program. The adversity that we feel as students shapes us. I'm sure that a few of you will agree with me as you read this, and our rebelling minds will share a bond that cannot be broken, which means it is working. The fact that I've realized this and am sharing it doesn't make me a heretic, simply someone who is enlightened about the process. "But what are the benefits of going through this 'Harding Machine'?" With fraternities you have business connections after graduation and a reputation associated with you do to your organizations reputation. These are both offered with Harding, who is held in high esteem by many across the world. So overall we are simply pledges right now. We are going through all of the regulations that we sometimes roll our eyes at for a reason, so take heart. Next time you are talking to one of your friends who goes to a state school and they make fun of Harding for not having fraternities you can let them know that their school is the lame one, after all our whole school is one giant greek experience.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor In Chief,
Harding Humor

PRB '11

Harding Fall Fashion for Men

2008-08-25T13:11:00.003-05:00

School is back in session and that means that all the dope looks and wardrobes are being busted out in a parade of shibbiness. (That's right, that sentence just happened.) So to keep you looking fresh here, is Harding Humor's guide to fashions you might see this fall.

For men:

Wrinkled shirts are very in. The more wrinkled, the better. In fact if you can manage to wrinkle the sleeves and collars of your shirts than do it, that shows a fashion minded individual.
Also the primary scent for men is Febreeze Meadows and Rain by Proctor and Gamble. It lets people know that just because you are a poor college student you still like to smell "so fresh and so clean". Another trend that comes back every year, the facial hair classic the "don't shave". The "don't shave" is not a beard, no it is simply the fuzzy result of not shaving for a few days. Now for some of you mountain men, the "don't shave" look only lasts for a couple of hours. If this is the case I recommend using a dull disposable razor to achieve the desired fuzziness. As usual the flip flop is still the staple of the wardrobe, protecting your feet from the nasty sidewalks with minimal dressing effort. Remember these tips and maybe you can score a hot date, or even get your picture put up on Harding Humor!

PRB '11

No Comment

2008-08-25T11:06:00.002-05:00

PRB '11

Editorial: Touchtone Apocalypse

2008-05-07T00:30:00.004-05:00

This is the Final Essay that I wrote for Comp. I wrote it in about an hour and a half. I am rather proud of it, and thought I would share. Enjoy.

Touchtone Apocalypse

Decades ago, viewers of Star Trek were amazed and dazzled by the Communicator, able to cross light-years to reach people with the push of a button. Now, in the early morning light of the 3rd millennium A.D., the wonders of the Communicator have allegedly been made reality in the form of the cell phone. The cell phone has been proclaimed as the great achievement of our time, a bridger of geological chasms and conqueror of distance, but be not deceived, good people of the world! This device which has been hailed as the peak of our current technological creativity conceals dangers and malice within. There are three types of problems with the cell phone that hold the potential to bring about the fall of civilization as we know it.
One of the most prominent features of cell phones is known as “text messaging” and is collectively lowering the intelligence of users around the world. “Text messaging” refers to text-only messages sent between cell phones, used as a matter of convenience instead of speech or used to deliver short, concise messages. Since many users utilize text messaging to send messages too short to warrant a full-length phone call, they seek for ways to shorten words and phrases to allow for quicker messages, and herein lies the danger. Shorthand begins innocently enough, utilizing acronyms such as LOL (laugh out loud) or ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing) to express joviality or mirth. However, these phrases are often used to obscure a complete lack of substance and content within conversation. Soon users mysteriously lose their ability to spell basic words, using phrases such as “R U reddy?” (Are you ready?). This affliction proceeds to loss of grammar skills (“I is goin 2 da park!”) and lastly begins to worm its infectious way into spoken conversation. Victims of this condition are marked by glazed, staring eyes accompanied by constant attention and care given to the cell phone in the victim’s possession. Truly, the end times are at hand!
Secondly, cell phones cause a rapid loss of social skills in frequent users. While an individual may seem perfectly capable of communication with fellow humans through the distorted lens of the cell phone screen, he is revealed as an awkward, dull, borderline incoherent person when engaged in person. This is the result of a complete lack of human contact when engaged in cell phone communication. Users are often engaged in other activities while speaking on cell phones and are not even paying attention to the words of the other user. I have witnessed two adult women sit within arm’s reach of each other and text message separate people, barely aware of the other’s existence. We are losing our ability to make real contact with other humans. We are becoming zombies enslaved to necromancers named Sprint and AT&T! We are being transformed into vampires sustained only by the electronic energy emanating from the very devices that are enslaving us!
The final type of problem that ties everything in this message of warning together is the effect of cell phones on a user’s driving skills. It is not uncommon to see a person driving a vehicle while flippantly chattering away on a cell phone and then to witness the same vehicle flipped over in a ditch a few miles further down the road. Hundreds of vehicle accidents are caused by the careless use of cell phones every year. While this may seem to be simply an unavoidable consequence of contemporary technology, we must see that it is more than that. At some point, a fully afflicted cell phone victim will be involved in a vehicle accident with another cell phone victim. This situation would be easily solvable if not for the drivers’ complete lack of coherence and ability to communicate caused by cell phone affliction. The wrecked vehicles will remain where they are while other vehicles are hindered, eventually causing further accidents. The chaos will spread, causing all major roads to be closed. Drivers in urban areas will begin to feel these effects, crashing into signs and buildings and causing the complete destruction of major cities. With so many cell phone victims, constructive and preventative communication will be extremely hindered and ultimately fail. Thus shall begin the period tribulation which will indubitably precede the end of time.
Here is a portrait of a world ruled by cell phones: the wasteland of America is lined with the corpses of vehicles. All is quiet save a lone cry of lament: “I R SAD!” A man bumps into you, stops awkwardly, and, without eye contact, mumbles, “I is sorry. LOL” and shuffles into the distance. The cell phone is an immediate and potent danger that must be dealt with! He who has ears, let him hear! Repent, for the kingdom of—excuse me, my cell phone seems to be ringing. Ha, is Rob. I got 2 go. OMG, Rob have much fun E storyz! TTYL! LOL.

Ryan Howard,
Content Editor
Contributing Author
Animal Husbandry Administrator (aka Ferret/Eagle Crossbreader)
Concept/Image Director
Resident Klingon Translator
Schmadolph Schmitler Investigator
Cave of Wonders Cartographer
Corpse Examiner (find the Contents of the Dead Men's Pockets)
Colonoscopy Surgeon
Diplomatic Paleontologist (part of our Embassy to the Dinosaur Remnant)
Principal of Biblical Interpretation
Resident Courtney Love Hater
Android Programmer
Educated Guesser
Co-Chair of Harding University's Blurb Assignment Committee
Google Poll Administrator
Count Von Count Campaign Treasurer
Superpledge

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-04-25T01:06:00.000-05:00

If life is a calculus problem, the sky is the limit.

RH '11

Corporate Transparency: Harding Humor Style

2008-04-11T17:43:00.008-05:00

So over the last few months Harding Humor has not been posting that actively. And the material posted has been moderate at best. Perhaps deserving of a chuckle or two, but no guffaws. This is all true. However, in our defense, here is some of the material we rejected over the past months as well. Quality or quantity? Take your pick.

And the losers are:

If life were Captain Planet, you'd be the Power of Heart.

Although not recognized by the public, many words are actually onomatopoeias. Examples: Dropkick (if you stutter, this has the effect of a running dropkick as opposed to a standing dropkick), Scratch, Poop, Slap, Cleave, Whisper, and Snort.

If Doctor Burks and The Pope had an "altercation" it would probably be a lot like when Yoda fought the Emperor in Star Wars Ep. III: Revenge of the Sith only our lightening would be holier than theirs.

Illegal immigration and social security can each be solved by simply shipping off all of our old people to Mexico and giving the immigrants the old people's social security numbers.

Every time we touch I feel the static, but that's the price you pay for dating a Van De Graaff
generator.

If I could retell any classic novel, I would write "The Scarlet Hood Ornament" about Optimus Prynne committing adultery with Roger Chillingsworth resulting in exile and shame from the conservative Autobot community.

Contrary to a popular campus rumor, Torrence "Tank" Daniels did NOT put the "Tank" in "Thomas the Tank Engine".

Who has more movie cameo appearances Alfred Hitchcock or Statue of Liberty? I don't know ask Kevin Bacon, he's the one that's "degreed" with everyone.

Silly rabbit! Crack cocaine is illegal!

PB '11

Nemesis Song for Lazy People

2008-04-09T16:10:00.003-05:00

Apparently some of our readers skip over any long articles. If so this is for you. A few posts back we ran an article on songs that you hate requesting readers to post their hated songs in all genres as comments. If you didn't read that article, you can post your list without reading the article here. Thanks. We always try and accommodate our underachievers at Harding Humor.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-04-09T16:05:00.002-05:00

If we call everyone who is excessive in adding Facebook friends a "facebook whore" than what will we call the actual whores on facebook? You can't just steal someone's job title to insult someone that you weren't mean enough to reject.

PB '11

Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

2008-04-08T12:33:00.005-05:00

Last February US Government officials announced that they planned to shoot down a malfunctioning US Spy Satellite. This announcement was quickly executed to protect the public from possible exposure to the satellites toxic fuel and met with opposition from the Chinese and Russian governments. At Harding Humor we would love to enlighten you as to the real design of this missile launch and its opposition. The US Government did in fact destroy the satellite they targeted on their first attempt. This "spy satellite" contained a toxic fuel with which it maneuvered once in space and this fuel risked being leaked and harming the public. This is perhaps the lamest lie the government has ever fed us. At Harding Humor we know that the "satellite" targeted was Dino-1, the interstellar shuttle that the dinosaur remnant uses to keep contact with Earth. When the dinosaurs left this planet many years ago, they remained in contact with Earth and protect our solar system from intergalactic threats. However, after recent political actions amongst the dinosaurs, they decided to move their primary contact with Earth from the USA to France. This infuriated the American government and they sought revenge on the Dinosaurs. France planted dissent amongst the Russian and Chinese governments so that they could oppose the upcoming missle launch. We at Harding Humor have very close relations with the dinosaurs, featuring their many different species that still visit our planet weekly last semester. Also, my namesake was responsible for the book chronicling their history, entitled, "What Happened To Patrick's Dinosaur's". The resulting scenario unfolded: The dinosaurs sent a decoy satellite to establish contact with France. This was shot down by the US. The Dinosaurs were offended and decided to choose an apolitical emissary to Earth and approached Harding Humor. We are now the official emissaries of the Dinosaur Republic to Earth. Now we know that the government is still sore at us for our exposure of their android program, but this was not our choice, the Dinosaurs approached us.
Here are some evidence of our story for you doubters. Compare the legendary Patrick's drawings of the dinosaurs spacecraft to that shot down in the video on Fox News. And one question from the dinosaurs to Mr. Centanni of Fox News: If the debris lands in the ocean why do you call it "landing" instead of "watering"? For those already convinced, we'll do our best to keep you in touch with the dinosaurs protecting our civilization.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-in-Chief

The Great Nemesis Song Experiment

2008-04-07T10:03:00.003-05:00

Throughout the years there have been many different genres of music that I have listened to avidly. None implicitly better than the others, merely different. Despite all the musical, stylistic, and cultural diversity, all genres have one thing in common. Yes, be it hip-hop, country, techno, bluegrass, or jazz every genre has at the very least one song that is just TERRIBLE. One song that makes your stomach churn and brings headaches while simultaneously generating enough hate to fuel a small storm of Dark Side Electricity (yes I just referenced Star Wars, but that's an entirely different rant). Some of these songs have even the audacity to lodge themselves somewhere in your subconscious and hide within the folds of your memory, an ostentatious soundtrack to the rest of your sub-par, tired day. You start to taste bile in the back of your throat only to realize you have been subtly singing the very song you despise, spreading the disease to those around you. Sometimes these songs forgo the subtlety of infiltration and in brazen effrontery come from every speaker in your vicinity. These songs have gone on with a certain timelessness that allows them to infect many generations beyond their targets of origin. These songs are your nemeses. They are the enemies of your sanity, undermining the greater efforts of humanity from the moment of their conception. Everyone has certain songs that elicit these emotions, and these are your nemesis songs. You are cringing right now at the very thought of these songs, trying not to actually think of them for fear that they will torment you again. It is this very reaction that is allowing the nemesis song to exist. It is time that society takes a stand against these songs. That is why I'm proposing that we attempt to compile a list of everyone's nemesis songs so that we can combat them. Until we know which songs are the worst offenders we cannot know how stiff to make the punishment. So please join the battle against nemesis songs and stick it to these travesties of sound. If you are so compelled post your nemesis songs below so that Harding Humor can lead the battle with an exhaustive list of all the world's nemesis songs. Don't give up hope! Remember, as long as karma can find its way back to MC Hammer than there is hope for the musical world.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-In-Chief

Of Mice and Men '08

2008-04-01T19:36:00.003-05:00

This is a response the post on Hobson's Buffet about Randy Newman's Faust. The question was: If given the chance which classic story would you retell and with which outrageous cast?

Of Mice and Men 'O8
Starring:
Matt Damon as Lenny
Bill Murray as George
Will Smith as Crooks
Peter O'Toole as Candy
Miley Cyrus as Candy's papergirl
Samuel L. Jackson as Carlson
Janeane Garofalo as Curly
Amanda Peet as Curly's life partner
Adrien Brody as Slim

In this modern retelling of Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" the story is retold through a dark situational comedy involving people of questionable professions and morality who all share rooms in a large old house in San Fransisco. Lenny and George are two dockworkers who move to San Fransisco after losing their jobs on the Sacramento side of the Bay due to George's manic-depressive disorder. They move into a house, owned by lesbian rights activist Curly and her bi-sexual life partner, a librarian. The rooms in the house are rented out to various blue collar workers who are all at odds with law enforcement in different ways. There is Crooks, a former actor, who now acts like a hunchbacked homeless man everyday to make his "wages". There is Candy, a illegal British immigrant who moved to Haight/Ashbury during the sixties and is now a street musician. There is Carlson, a bouncer at a night club with gang connections. And there is Slim spin master and Public Relations Practitioner trying to open his own firm after returning from the Peace Corp.

Dark enough?
Now imagine that all dialoge is yodeled in German and the entire movie is subtitled. Also imagine that instead of Carlson shooting Candy's dog (as in the original), Carlson shoots the papergirl who also smuggles Candy his LSD everyday (Played by Miley Cyrus. Yes, I just killed Hannah Montana.) Imagine that Janeane Garofalo is stereotyped as a lesbian for the rest of her career (nothing new is under the sun). Overall I think this has the potential to be a hilarious remake and that is should be picked up by a film maker, pronto. To the guys at Hobson's Buffet, thanks for letting me play around with your posts. To anyone who read this. Really? You should have stopped a long time ago.

Good Stuff and Harding

2008-03-31T10:15:00.003-05:00

There's good stuff and then there's Harding, sometimes there is both. When that happens we like to celebrate here at Harding Humor. As we've said many times before, Harding should rise to our level, so that we aren't picking on those lower than us. Here is the latest offspring of Mr. Good Stuff and Madam Harding: The Harding University Concert Choir.

This Good Stuff Review is brought to you by Editor-In-Chief, Sir Knight Patrick Baird Esquire.

Last night I had the privilege of seeing many of my good friends perform as part of the Harding University Concert Choir. The Concert Choir did an excellent job and brought much honor upon the University I seek to satirize. The concert was never boring, neither too short nor too long. Throughout the concert members of the Choir would step out and introduce the next composition. These pithy segways, were interesting and entertaining. Specifically, I found it interesting when Peter Snell introduced his song and I found it entertaining when Dr. Shearin immediately undermined the first introduction that didn't sound forced by commenting that, "The sun is coming out, and no tornadoes this time!" I guess if you get right down to it the only thing I didn't like about the concert was Dr. Shearin. Allow me to elaborate, during the song "People Need the Lord" Dr. Shearin takes a solo with the choir backing him. Now, I know that in collegiate choirs this is not uncommon and I do not object to Dr. Shearin taking a solo. I think that Dr. Shearin has a lovely voice, but I find it very distracting the way Dr. Shearin "directs" (this is my best explanation for what he was doing with his hands) when he is soloing. The way he gestured at the audience during that piece reminded me of vaudeville or crooning lounge singers, an image that is not complementary to "People Need the Lord". The video posted below is an example of what I mean. It is just so distracting. Now, I know that it is rather vain to think that Dr. Shearin reads this blog, but if he "stumbles across it" perhaps he will see my point and concede to just keep his hands by his sides next time. Overall the Concert Choir did a great job and I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

If you find other good stuff that is related to Harding, let us know email Editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-03-25T19:58:00.002-05:00

Lance Bass is the George Michaels of our generation, only thankfully he didn't ever start a song with the word "Jitterbug". So I guess overall our generation is a lot less flaming than the 80s.

RH '11, PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-03-21T10:45:00.004-05:00

The Knight's Joust, hosted by the Knights social club, would be a lot more popular if Heath Ledger came, especially when you consider the fact that he's dead. Actors are always more popular after they're dead.

PB '11

Good Stuff and Harding

2008-03-21T00:21:00.005-05:00

The Humor Heirarchy

2008-03-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

:::::::RunNote:::::::

This will take some time to read.

:::::::EndNote:::::::

– A Reno Roduction -

There has been some confusion amongst “humor” in the past centuries and I’ve taken it upon myself to try and help everyone (as in mankind, not womankind) out.

Jokes are:

33% Content
33% Audience
33% Delivery
1% Not DiGiorno

But I can’t really give yall content help because it’ll make your head explode. And seeing as I can't really help what kind of audience you have (I mean, I COULD but it would take A LOT of silly putty) that leaves me with…

The delivery portion. And not in the way like I’m going to teach you how to do it (again, your head will explode) but in the way that will set a spark in a California national forest.

And maybe, just maybe, that last 1% will be found your heart and not in your glass of milk. (Side note: I can't taste the difference between skim and whole milk. I think that's as close as I will ever come to being an X-Man.)

*Disclaimer: I don't do all of these. I can just recognize them.*

--- Witty - AKA The Reno Family humor (okay, maybe just the males in the family). This humor is a king amongst peasant humors, so much so that Stephen Colbert himself has adopted this as his own trademark humor.

*** Subgroup A: Nerd Humor - Don't knock it 'till you try it; and don't try it unless you do/have done one/all of the following: have mastered a video game in its entirety, took calculus, computer programmed for more than three years, drive a van, go to Stanford, etc. etc. Traditionally, Nerd Humor usually deals with science/math puns (so, obviously, girls will be bad at it).

Downside: None. Except there will always be people who won't understand it. Which isn't a downside for us, just them.

*** Subgroup B: Rhymes/Alliterations/Allusions/Other Poetic Schemes – This is just like Nerd Humor, but without a Y chromosome. And while the girls were supposed to take over this one, it turns out that they’re not funny (way to drop the ball, girls). Hey, don’t get in an uproar, I just call them how I see them. And I see that Kathy Griffin really is a B-list celeb for a reason. Anyways, the guys had to pick up where the girls never started. Which proves the old saying: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Unless girls are doing it, in which is it most likely broke already. Better let a guy handle over from here.

Rhymes are always funny because they're always true. Same goes for alliterations. Example:

Hey queer,
don't go in there.
Exit only.
I'm not that lonely.

or

Gays got giseases.

Downside: Sometimes rappers abuse this one by trying to rap with it, which is kinda funny, but when you rhyme "bomb" and "wisdom" it kinda loses its funniness. And if you've got to fix the grammar/spelling/punctuation of the joke, it's not funny. In fact, if you try to make a joke about one of the above while messing it up at the same time, you will immediately die (just a quick heads up!). Plus, allusions are a waste of time mainly because they send false messages. I could totally go back over the Rubicon if I wanted to and I could also get a pound of flesh without spilling a drop of blood; it’s called an IV, duh.

Going along with the above...

--- Inappropriate humor – Face it, whether if it’s setting a program on fire at a wedding or accidentally pooping on everyone’s coats (“Someone pooped on all the coats!”) it’s always funny. And seriously, who’s got more class, the person who’s afraid to say “black” in public or the person who rises up above racism by making fun of it?

*** Sub group - Anti-gay humor – This is HILARIOUS, regardless if there’s a fruit standing right next to you or not. Hopefully, if you employ this as your main humor while you’re in their company, they’ll see their error in their ways (hint for the current queers: you get the pleasure of having a house that’s not “off limits” to younger children if your “life partner” is of the “opposite sex”). Fun fact: this kind of humor is the only thing that saved that Chuck and Larry queer movie with Adam Sandler and the dude off of the King of Queens (which is exactly what he was in the movie/real life).

Downside: If the flamers end up getting a vat of toxic waste dumped on them, they’d really be butt-pirating 24/7.

*** Sub Group - Jokes about Heath Ledger – You forfeit the “Too soon?” question when you do a movie as a gay’d up cowboy. So don’t say "Too soon?" unless you wanna be clumped into the other 5 billion on the world. (His body already started decomposing a long time ago, don't let your jokes do the same!) And plus, if he didn't want us making jokes about him then MAYBE he should have picked another character to end on that WASN'T named "The Joker" (more like the Joke-ee!). My last guess of what his last thought was? "Oh man I'm so tired I could go for a coma right now! Better take all these sleeping pills to ensure that I'll never wake up ever again. Ha-ha. Who am I kidding, that’ll never happen..."

Downside: Heath Ledger comes back as a zombie and kills all the people that made fun of him. THIS IS THE ONLY DOWNSIDE.

--- Noises/Sounds - Pokemon sounds are always funny (SQUIRTLE IN YOUR EYE BALL!) but Digimon has never really caught on for some reason...

Downside: Not all places are appropriate for noise humor. Like, let's say, concert recitals or games of hide-n-go-kill.

--- Facial Expressions - Personally, this is more an art than a skill if you ask me. Either you're born with it or you're not. So that alone limits it from being higher up on the jokem pole.

Top 3 faces:

The "Jim" Face (Duh).
The "Who farted?" Face.
The "I just ate a bumble bee in mistake for a peppermint!" Face.

Downsides: Sometimes you get into a rut in which you ALWAYS do one face. This is bad. Remember how your mother told you that if you kept making that face it'd stick like that? Well she was right. Just ask Renee Zellweger. (http://imdb.com/media/rm262313472/nm0000250).

--- Impressions/Quotes - Harry Potter spells are fun (which is mainly because that it really belongs in the Nerd Humor group) but half the time people misquote the quote, which KILLS me. And I'm not talking about a simple adjective change. I'm talking about someone changing Christopher Walken's line in the Blue Oyster skit to:

"By the time we're done here, you'll all be eating gold plated diapers!"

Which, I mean, you can see where it kinda takes away from the joke, right?

Downside: The only impression I can do is one of the 50 "Cool Beans" in Hot Rod. Thus, if Will Reno is bad at it, it's probably not worth doing.

*** Sub Group: That's what she said. Just PLEASE make sure it fits (<--- set up). I'm sick and tired of "That's what she said" turning into "That's what he said!" Come on guys, we’re trying to STOP the gays from extending their list of “Things homos are ruining now a days.”

--- Inside Jokes - Even for the "in" crowd, the joke becomes old when it's your "go to" conversation. Plus, I hated that stupid snaps game at camp.

Downsides: If you add “Remember when…” before just about any statement, the person will say “Oh yeah!” out of politeness. Use this to your advantage! This isn’t actually a downside, it’s a, uh, what’s the opposite of a downside? Oh yeah, a downotherside.

--- Prop Required Humor -

Really funny when the jokes are just made up on the spot.
Mildly funny when it's prepared.
Not funny at all when the prop is a doll whom you stick your hand into his spine (possibly ruined by the media this for me: freakin' Lamb Chops is the DEVIL! No matter how many times you he sang that song, it never changed the fact that I wanted to eat that sheep.) The big exception to this is that shadow puppets are pure magic. (”How did you make a turkey out of your hand!?!”)

Downside: Sometimes your prop turns into a trilogy movie set people-killing machine while only standing two feet tall.

--- Else anti-humor - Solely directed at a group of people, not just one person; which turns out to be a lot:

Anti-girl
Anti-black (also known as racism)
Anti-terrorists
Anti-dinosaurs.

Plus, this is an acquired taste to begin with and is only funny in certain regions of the world. Specifically and respectively...

The Middle East
Louisiana
America
Indian reservations.

Apparently, a lot of people just find the second one offensive. Especially people not from Loseranna or are non-Air Force football head coaches. ("It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well.")

Downside: You can go to jail for one of these.

--- Gansta Humor - You would think this would be above in the anti-humor category but I guess I've just see Drumline and You Got Served (Drumline sequel) too many times. Although when you have the ability to change the number of syllables in a word, that is somewhat impressive.

Downside: Someone might try to shoot at you while you try to pull of Gansta Humor while wearing a bandana.

--- Body humor - there's only two types of body humors:

*** Sub Group A: Gay Body Humor: Stops being funny when you've done it more than two weeks and is your "go to" humor. Really stops being funny when the person turns out to be gay. And who wants that? Gays! That’s who!

Downside: You turn out to really be gay.

*** Sub Group B: Self-Inflicted Pain Humor - AKA The Falling Down Syndrome. Self described. Use in discretion.

Downside: People usually just end up feeling bad for the person and NEVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN.

--- Popsicle Stick Humor – As in jokes that are found on popsicle sticks (Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling down? Because his buckle’s on his hat! Actually… that one was pretty funny.) This kind of humor gets laughs from people who are:

Currently fasting from sleep since a week ago
Girls
On cocaine

Downside: This humor is traditionally done by moms, so heads up. Unless you want to start driving a mini-van to soccer practice keep those popsicle puns to yourself.

--- Unoriginal humor - Like stealing a friend's joke. Funny when the friend doesn’t know; really funny when the friend finds out (“Dude that was totally my joke!”).

*** Sub Group A: Prepared Humor – Funny when they’re on the stand, not funny when you’re… anywhere else. Usually occurs when someone is either telling a story about himself. You can spot this fraudulent bogusness if the person waits for you to laugh or is reading note cards.

Downside: Only funny if they don't find out. People have been known to kill other people over a joke in Australia where they have nothing else to do.

--- Personal Sayings - A phrase that's kinda like your own personal motto.

Downside: In my experience, the only thing that is funny is "It's okay I'm Will Reno." because it's true. All the other ones I can remember aren't worth remembering. If you’re looking for a personal saying, try using “It’s okay, I’m (your name)” in a sticky situation. But make sure you give them a little piece of paper that is citing me, or I’ll sue you for plagiarism.

--- Predictable Humor - Maybe it's just me and my infinite wisdom, but if I can think of the punch line before you say it, I should be able to punch you in the nose. Don’t think that Mariokart is the only place where you can steal something that isn't a physical object!

Downside: You might get punched in the nose.

--- Nonsensical Humor – “Whoa, Will, don’t you do this?" No. I have never done this. Everything I have said has somehow made a connection in my mind to the previous statement. In fact, call me out on the next time you think I do this and I'll replay what happened in my mind, which usually creates a Scrubs/Family Guy memory trial.

Downside: People actually laugh at this because they hear the delivery and not the content. And are dumb.

--- Self-Appreciating Humor – AKA The I'm-better-than-you humor.

Downside: No one cares that you met the goalie from the Big Green.

--- Cursealicious Humor – When you’re humor wouldn’t be allowed on primetime CBS.

Downside: Half the time when someone cusses, it doesn't really make sense half the time - verbs are verbs and nouns are nouns. Don't try to gay it up by mixing the natural order of the two.

--- Nazi Humor – Always a hot topic…

Downside: Comes off rude more times than not. I think someone should have given Hitler a heads up.

--- TBS Humor – Anyone that tries to act like they can break down humor into a mathematical formula has another thing comin’ to them.

Downside: They have another thing coming to them.

And if you end up being the 40% of the nation that can not be funny (I believe it's in the genetics, but that's another story) at least know that sympathy laughs aren't necessary but sympathy stabs in the gut are encouraged.

WR '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-03-18T00:05:00.003-05:00

"AIDS" has a deceptively positive connotation, while "treatment" has a deceptively negative connotation. If they were both on a menu at a restaurant I'd never visited before, I would pick "AIDS". My gut instinct hates me.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day Contest

2008-03-14T16:06:00.003-05:00

Post your Deep and Insightful Answer to this Deep and Insightful Question and win a post dedicated to you on Harding Humor.

Deep and Insightful Question of the Day:
If you bred a ferret with an eagle what would the resulting species name be?

AE '11, PB'11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-03-13T11:07:00.003-05:00

Along the lines of yesterday's thought:

Sonic's "Happy Hour" is only one hour before "Pee Hour", perhaps "Hap" is a prefix meaning "One hour before".

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-03-12T13:11:00.003-05:00

Don't go shopping at the mall during "Dinosaur Hour".

PB '11

Harding Humor's Android Control Programming Guide

2008-02-28T11:10:00.002-06:00

Due to encounters with androids on campus, encounters meaning Ryan and I being stalked by androids, I have developed this handy guide to programming your own androids.

Code 1:

100101010101010101010100101010100000010101000010101010101010101001

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to read the rest of these codes and return periodically for more programming updates. That's right you've been tricked. I have no androids of my own, but by spying on me you have infected your own programming and are now under my control every day from 4:12 PM until 5:59 PM. Ha! Retaliate that!

Code 2:

100101010101010101010101010111111011

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to pour chocolate sauce on every Harding logo you see. (Sorry ServiceMaster but the androids have forced me to turn the tabe's and start using them as a guerrilla force of mild annoyance until they are reprogrammed to stop stalking me.)

Code 3:

101010101000100010101010100000101010

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to go to chapel everyday and not use any of your skips. If you are not an android know that I would never wish this travesty on you, although I do find it suspicious that you are still reading this without compulsion programming.

Code 4:

10001010101010101010101010101010100010000001010001

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to turn to a game show when your career washes up in 20 years.

Code 5:

101010101110101011

This is the simplest code of all. If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to vote for David Manes of Political Cartel for a political blogging scholarship by clicking on the following link.

LINK

If you are not an android, I don't want to force you to vote, but might I persuade you to support a fellow Harding student, so that we might gain some national respect. I'd like that, then we would be picking on someone our own size. Check it out and decide for yourself. Besides, Mr. Manes can't pay me kickbacks to not make fun of him if he's all paying for school and stuff ( just kidding) (for now anyways).

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-In-Chief
Harding Humor

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-28T11:04:00.002-06:00

Having work that is in some way published or publicized be referred to as "liberal garbage" at Harding, ensures people care what you have to say. Being referred to as "hilarious" or "pretty funny" or "kinda funny sometimes" or "sounds good I should read sometime before the semester is over" or "dead" (Andrew, you are still not atoned) ensures the android problem is a lot worse than Ryan or I first suspected.

PB '11

Contents of a Dead Man's Pockets

2008-02-27T10:47:00.005-06:00

Tupac Shakur (inspired by today's chapel):
-Thousands of Dollars in cash held together by a rubber band
-A Blue bandana
-A card that says: "If found please notify Dr. John Moon Jr. of Harding University."
-A complete book of the lyrics of Bob Dylan
-The Harper Collins Pocket Classic Edition of Alex Hailey's Roots
-A picture of his mother
-Dame Juli Andrew's cell phone number scribbled on a restaurant napkin
-Photo ID
-Pocket Lent

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-27T10:42:00.004-06:00

B. Chris Simpson is probably the only black man to mention the Black Panthers, "Power", and the East/West hip-hop rivalry in a public forum at Harding, and more than likely he doesn't realize the people chuckling in chapel this morning were actually just laughing at the thought that B. Chris told everyone Tupac Shakur was actually dead. Everyone knows he lives with Dr. Moon in the Pryor Science Building right here on campus.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-25T10:52:00.001-06:00

If you can excuse a persons actions by saying "They're not a morning person" than I would like to contend that Hitler "was not a 40's person". Yeah, you just read sarcasm. Congrats.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-22T10:40:00.003-06:00

Dora the Explorer would make a great politician because everyday she pauses to pretend like she cares how people are going to answer her questions before she moves on with her agenda.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-19T23:27:00.001-06:00

Broccoli each day keeps your bowels at bay.

RH '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-15T10:32:00.003-06:00

The author of "The Game" has never met Zach Fetterman.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

2008-02-15T10:14:00.002-06:00

Why Armstrong Hall has the fire alarm go off sooooo many times:

-It's highly flammable
-Men can't cook
-Man funk smells like smoke
-Poltergeist
-That's not the fire alarm that's the doorbell
-Everytime a smoke detector beeps an angel gets its wings
-Arson
-Fire alarms sensitive to fire ants
-Bison Days students are ridiculous and shouldn't be allowed to come to Harding
-The fire department thinks seeing at least one student mostly naked (without fail) is funny
-Our fire alarms are intercepting intergalactic messages
-Mrs. Lemmons' death stare can burn through souls

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-14T10:51:00.001-06:00

This is our heritage: When Men wear ridiculously tight pants, hilarity ensues; thus trousers begot comedy and comedy begot drag-queens and drag-queens begot manpris and manpris begot Harding Humor, so using the transitive property trousers begot Harding Humor.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

2008-02-13T13:50:00.001-06:00

Only one letter keeps rape from being nosy instead of noisy.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

2008-02-08T13:36:00.000-06:00

Educated guesses to questions asked this week.

What Students Do While Waiting For the Attendance Sign-In So They Can Then Sneak Out Of Dr. Moon's Biology Class:
-Facebook
-Play Solitare
-Shop on Ebay
-Pine for the Rockies
-Watch latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if they missed anything
-Abandon their shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon Does After Everyone Leaves His Class:
-Facebook
-Plays Solitare
-Shops on Ebay
-Pines for the Rockies
-Plays Bingo with the periodic table
-Produces Tupac's next "posthumous" release
-Composes polyphonic ringtones
-Coordinates NATO troops through telepathic communication
-Watches latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if he missed anything
-Runs home for abandoned shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon keeps in the cabinets of Pryor 123:
-Chemical samples
-Dissected animals
-Bingo chips
-Cerebro Brain Wave Enhancer
-Abandoned shoulder angels
-Tupac Shakur

PB '11

Google Poll

2008-02-07T11:04:00.002-06:00

Today Harding Humor is creating (in the sense that we're claiming it even though you may have done it before) a new type of Public Poll, the Google Poll. This is where a topic is entered into the Google search engine and the results of the first page are read and the results of how many positive and negative pages are posted.
Today we searched many topics of prestige: salad and David Barton. These are the results:

Salad:
5- positive pages
5- neutral pages
0- negative pages
0- irrelevant pages
Looks like the Webizens of the world love salad, or at least they don't hate it!

David Barton:
3- neutral pages
1- irrelevant page (an ad for a gym)
2- positive pages
4- negative pages
Overall, looks like David Barton loses public support in the digital world

Pseudo-Disclaimer: To anyone who would love to pull us down, specifically the writer of this piece, with petty arguments of bias know that this does not have a partisan slant at all since salad has aligned itself with Mike Huckabee and the Republican party since Huck first ran for governor of Arkansas.

PB '11, RH '11, Google

Connect The Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

2008-02-04T22:40:00.000-06:00

Recently I have come under fire. I know you expect there to be more to the sentence than that but that is a fairly simple assessment of what is going on. Recently I have noticed an increasing number of suited persons in my vicinity. Also I have sensed many an assassin in the bushes around campus. What has been going on in peaceful Searcy, Arkansas, U.S. of A. ?

Today in my Intro to Mass Comm class I put the pieces together as to what was going on. I made a harmless joke to The Chris Berry, mind behind the popular blog of the same name. that no one will ever assassinate Hillary Clinton if she becomes president because she is in fact a robot. Now, even though I firmly believe this statement, I assumed it would be taken as a joke. However, later that same class period my professor asked if anyone in the class blogged. Myself and my classmate raised our hands, the only hands raised in the class. The professor than discussed blogs, during which another student asked if being stalked as result to one's blog is a risk. That's when I realized what was going on. I remembered the conversations I had with my friends and roommates leading up to and following Super Bowl 42. All of a sudden I realized that this blog was the cause of my problems and at the same time the solution to my problems. I realized I must use the power of my blog to make the information I have public before the agents silence me.

The problem begins with my NFL love, which has also proven a curse lately, the New England Patriots. Many of you have wondered how they managed the amazing play they have put forth all season. The answer is actually quite simple to anyone with an open mind and enough free time to dedicate days of observation to the team: Bill Belichick is a master android builder. As a matter of fact he is the world's premier android builder. Tom Brady is one of his crowning achievements, because Tom Brady is not a human, he is a robot. Other players such as Randy Moss, Junior Seau, and Kevin Faulk have had joints and other body parts replaced by android replacements. But the Patriots stars aren't the only robots Belichick has created. Other robots such as Hillary Clinton, the entire judging panel of American Idol, and Lance Armstrong have survived in our midst without anyone suspecting their mechanization. However after the improbable events of this past NFL season Belichick's cover was at risk. However by a stroke of luck for the US Government (who has been sponsoring Belichick's android creations with little to no chaperoning of the projects) the New York Giants defeated the machines and secured the Pats cover for another season (although in all fairness no where does the NFL say robots can't play). However, after the game I mentioned the androids to my roommate and fellow Harding Humor writer Ryan Howard. With research we discovered that the android program was started as part of the New Deal. FDR was looking for replacement legs and created a secret government bureau to create androids. These in turn created their greatest robot to date: J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover assumed control of the FBI and ensured that it never unearthed any of the android programs doings, but still spent a good 30% of its budget on the program. Builder after builder the trade was passed on. Until a young boy was discovered near the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland named William Belichick. This boy had a natural talent for building robots. He quickly became the most adept android builder in the country taking over the government project in exchange for his own head coaching position in the NFL. Since then he has kept tabs on the nations many androids: Bob Barker, the entire cast of The View, Ricky Martin, and Bigfoot (he does exist, but he's a robot not an ape). Anyways, Ryan and I couldn't believe our findings. We knew we had unearthed the biggest secret in decades. Then the truth hit us. We realized that there are many androids here on Harding University's campus. They were not just here, they were after us! Many other assassins and agents began appearing as well. We know now that we do not have much longer to live. So Ryan and I agreed to post this post to inform all of you to what is going on.

In their defense the Government has every right to silence me. Androids are functioning members of our society, whether we are aware of them or not. And as citizens with feelings (albeit limited feelings, but they do have some) it would be a national crisis if we were launched into xenophobia against androids due to two young adult males. So even though we are telling you about the robots, don't fear them. They just want to exist like you and I.

Well, since Ryan and I may not have much longer to live, we'd like to thank you all for reading with us and hopefully laughing with us.

It's been quite a ride. Thanks.

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pocket

2008-01-31T13:46:00.000-06:00

Content's of John F Kennedy's pockets:

Rosary Beads
The original Space Pen (writes upside down!)
Two pre-missile crisis Cuban cigars
Peanuts compliments of Air Force One
A wallet containing: Pictures of Jackie, Marylin Monroe, Himself, Himself and Jackie, Himself and Marylin, two tickets to see Sinatra in Vegas, and a membership card to the "Tag! Your it! Sniper Club".
Unbreakable comb
"#1 Prez" customized Zippo Lighter

PB '11

FacTakes: Chapel Parody: Tu B'shvat

2008-01-22T20:48:00.000-06:00

Here at Harding Humor, we've noticed some of the faculty and staff have very distinct mannerisms that come out when they speak before a large group of students, such as in Chapel.
We are delving into new territory this new semester by bringing you videos of our "best"
impressions of these speakers. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: We do not wish to hurt the feelings of any faculty or staff featured in this
segment. For this reason the subject of the caricature will not be named, however if anyone has a video brought to their attention that they feel is impersonating them, contact our editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu and the video will be removed.

New Blogroll

2008-01-16T15:03:00.000-06:00

Since our start last semester, we've tried to bring a little laughter onto Harding's campus. Many of you have been extremely supportive with your contributions, feedback, endorsement, and your laughter. Some of you have a given us the honor of being included on your blogroll. This has lead to an increase in our readers, and we greatly appreciate it. I'd especially like to thank Dr. Mark Elrod of Harding for getting us out of the small student blog sphere and into the world "legit" weblogs (if you can call any blog legit) by adding us to his blogroll.

So now its our turn to return the favor. We've added a blogroll to our layout containing other Harding blogs. We've also added links to the websites of two of the most prestigious college humor magazines (The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern and The Harvard Lampoon) and we hope you can at the least get a good chuckle from the material there also.

Enjoy these other blogs and continue to check back as we begin our second semester covering campus life here at Harding University.

Much Love,
Harding Humor

Harding Humor Exclusive: JD Zuckerman

2008-01-15T14:12:00.000-06:00

As the road to the Oscars begins and the Hollywood Awards Season kicks off, many new movies come out and capture the hearts of their viewers and critics. One such movie that has just opened is The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, directed and produced by Rob Reiner, and written by Justin Zackham. This heart-warming film about two terminally ill gentlemen who escape from their cancer ward to complete a list of adventures before they die. Many fans and critics are already teeming with praise for this film, but what's the story behind this film? Can we really thank Justin Zackham and Rob Reiner for this heartwarming story? Well, yes you can. But there is another important man whose contribution to the story is being overlooked by critics. That man is JD Zuckerman. JD Zuckerman is a greengrocer in the small town in Georgia. He also attended NYU film school with Justin Zackham, in fact they lived down the hall from each other. Now JD did fail out of NYU film school, but not before doing something very important, providing Zackham with a list of all the ideas he had for movies, but would never get to finish. One of which lead to the creation of The Bucket List. The original concept was for the two cancerous man to make a list of people to say hello to when they went to hell. This was changed to make the film more accessible to families.

Below is the original "List of people to say hello to in hell". Written by JD Zuckerman and Justin Zackman. With comments by Zuckerman.

The Hello List:
1) Audrey Hepburn- She was real pretty, so we wanted to let her know we were sorry she was in hell.
2) Joey Fatone- He was the cool looking member of N*Sync and we wanted to tell him that we tried several times to get on The Singing Bee, but just couldn't manage it.
3) John Madden- We wanted to tell him that they are renaming his video game series to Don't Go to Hell Like John Madden Did 2009.
4) Tommy the Green Power Ranger- Well, he was the evil power ranger, but he was still the coolest.
5) Dr. Phil McGraw- We just figured he could help us cope with our hellishness.
6) Richard Nixon- I wanted him to "sock it to me".
7) Paula Deen- We were hoping that with all those flames, down there, in hell, she could make us some real good barbecue.
8) Roy Rodgers- We wanted him to know that he was in hell, because his restaurants sell horsemeat.
9) Trigger- We wanted Trigger to know we never ate him, no matter how good he smelled.
10) Bill Clinton- We wanted to ask him what it was like to be married to a robot.
11) JD Salinger- He has my name, so we were gonna tell him that to cut down on confusion I would go by JD Z. and he could just go by JD.
12) Jamie Lynn Spears- We were gonna tell her how she ruined TeenNick and taught pre-teens everywhere that its cool to "Get With"
13) Harry Potter-wizard, enough said
14) Albus Dumbledore-gay wizard, a whole new realm of enough said
15) George Michael-gay, not wizard, we were gonna ask him how it felt to have his scandal live in the shadow of Dumbledore's scandal.
16) Lassie- We were gonna ask her why she didn't warn any of these people they were going to hell.
17) Jack Ruby- Even though he's a murderer, he murdered an assassin. So we were gonna tell him we thought he was a decent fellow.
18) Harry Belafonte- We were gonna ask him to tally our bananas.
19) OJ Simpson- We were gonna try and find out if he really did it, I mean why lie when you're already in hell?
20) Mao Tse-Tong- We've always liked the color red
21) Nathan Bedford Forrester- We were curious about whether or not he was surprised he ended up in hell.
22) Rodney King- We were gonna ask him if he had ever used that "Head On- Apply Directly to the Head" stuff.
23) Terrell Owens- We were gonna ask him if he did a dance when he made it to this "end zone".
24) New York Yankees (past and present)- We were gonna ask them why they sold their souls and then bought everyone good in baseball, I mean isn't losing your soul enough, why loose your rep too?
25) Dr. Kervorkian- We were gonna ask him if he had ever worked for free

PB '11, AE '11, RH '11

Arctic Monkeys and Upper Peninsulas

2008-01-15T10:57:00.000-06:00

Today in Michigan the Republican Primaries are going on, but that's not the only political circus in the area. That's right our favorite son, Count Von Count was also in Michigan today. He was using the media fair of the Republican Primaries as a time to get his message out to voters in the northern state. Count Von Count has gained much popularity in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and is picking up steam in the lower part of the state. Today the first Count Von Count rally was held in Sheboygan, Michigan. The Count spoke to the people of Michigan along with celebrity endorsers Kermit the Frog, Bob Vela, Jim Lehrer, and Richard Scarry. Also British band The Arctic Monkeys endorsed Count Von Count, dedicating a special performance of their song Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong, But... at the rally. The Count plans to move to Nevada and South Carolina next in his campaign and hopes to announce a running mate soon.

Correction to previous Count Update:

The Count would like everyone involved to note that the work schedule presented in the last article was only true prior to the Writer's Guild of America's Strike. The Count has not returned to work at Sesame Street since the strike began and firmly supports the writers' efforts and hopes a settlement will be reached soon.

PB '11

Count Von Count Update

2008-01-09T21:58:00.000-06:00

Many of you have asked how Count Von Count has shown in the primaries and so forth. (Not really, but I like to pretend like my entries are relevant to the readers' needs) Count Von Count has indeed been in Iowa and New Hampshire the past few months. In fact the Count was splitting his time between Iowa and New Hampshire while maintaining his position on the TV show Sesame Street.

How is this possible? It is rather interesting how our caped candidate managed to be available to so many citizens. As many of you know the Count is part vampire. With this comes the ability to turn into a bat and fly. Now Sesame Street, Count Von Count's long running job, tapes at 6:00 AM EST and a typical taping lasts two hours, so Count Von Count leaves New York City at 8:00 AM and flies west to New Hampshire arriving at approximately 8:45 AM. Here he grabs breakfast at local restaurants and mingles with the people of New Hampshire for about four hours, leaving around 1:00 PM EST. Count arrives in Iowa at 3:00 CST after three hours of flight. He then attempts to rally his support here for around six hours, leaving Iowa at 9:00 PM CST and arriving back in New York at 2:00 AM EST. Typically this would make for a very tiring day, but vampires/muppets require little to no sleep. The Count spends the last four hours of his day reviewing his strategy for the next day and relaxing with his family.

Now many of you are wondering why you haven't heard about Count's results in these states. Could it be (you are certainly wondering) that he received zero votes and is a miserable failure? Not at all. No, the Count has actually been quite successful in these states. However, the Count does not have much to show for his campaign because he was not included in the caucuses or the primaries. Now, you all know (because you are soooo intelligent) that anyone who pays the $1000.00 entry fee may run in the New Hampshire Primaries. However, due to the nature of his campaign Count didn't enter the primary. He is hoping to throw the polls by encouraging voters to write him in. Also, the majority of Count supporters have never voted before. So in the following weeks there will be a special segment of Sesame Street in which
Count will teach citizens how to go through the voting process.

So now you know that our favorite Vampire is still in this race. The Count will be looking to expand his campaign across the US. So look for the black bat in your area in the upcoming year.

PB '11

Its Aliiiiiive!!!!

2007-12-27T19:51:00.000-06:00

For anyone who has felt the need to inform me that this blog is dead, please, read this post. Although most of my audience probably won't check this out until Harding's next semester starts , those of you who subscribe (and then complain to me) will hopefully be satisfied.

Now, about this blog being dead. Hmmm, let's review that assertion. For some reason I find that statement to be completely false and unfounded. First of all, let's consider how to diagnose death. Although I am not an expert on the passing on of beings, I am positive of a one thing. In order to die something first must be alive. Although it is debatable whether or not a blog is a living thing, I will give you some leeway and assume that this blog was (and still is) alive. So how can you tell if something is alive. Well, one predominant way of determining if something is alive is by checking its heartbeat. Although not all living beings have a heart, for example I cite David Loan (true the man has told me he has no heart, and he has never lied to me yet) this blog does indeed have a heart. A heart is the muscle that pushes the nutrient rich blood to the other pieces of the organism in order to ensure their continuing function. If you would excuse the vanity, I would hold that I am this blog's heart. I ensure that all parts of the blog run and make sure that no bit gets left out. I ensure that every article works at its highest potential. While the heart may have slowed down a bit, I have certainly not stopped working.
Another sign of death, especially with species such as Mr. Loan that operate without a heart, would be that the nervous system stops working. Now, we all no that the nervous system in what allows something to interact with others, so in the case of this blog the internet is said nervous system. As the graph shown above clearly shows, the internet has not forsaken our lovely blog. That is just this last week's activity. Clearly we are in good shape in that department. Well, what about plants? The last few assumptions have been made in the vein of proclaiming animals dead. When plants die, their chloroplasts stop creating sugars for the plant to use as sustenance. The sustenance of this blog is the daily events in my life and my cutting wit and wisdom. I suppose that as long as I, Patrick Baird, am alive that facet of the blog will be taken care of. One slightly less scientific method of determining death is by witnessing decomposition of said subject. It is clear that this blog is not decomposing by any means. So let's review the evidence: The heart has slowed its activity but is still operating and the nervous system is still functioning; the blog is getting plenty of sustenance and is not decaying at all. This seems to indicate to me that the blog is not dead just simply hibernating for the winter, in similar fashion to bears (with the exception of the Berenstain Bears). So for all you naysayers (Andrew), this blog is not dead, it's just not funny (sigh).

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Dinosaur of the Week

2007-11-30T13:19:00.000-06:00

Extinctosaurus: The extinctosaurus no longer exists. You do not need to be wary of its preserved skeletons, fossilized eggs, or its pre-historic footprints. You do not need to know that the extinctosaurus makes its home deep beneath the ground or in tar pits. However, you do need to worry if you encounter an extinctosaurus on campus this week because if you do it is a sign that you are probably either suffering from mental illness or about to become regarded in the scientific world. Note: The extinctosaurus is often confused with the closely related exhibitosaurus found in museums across America. Unlike the exhibitosaurus, the extinctosaurus is completely harmless and rarely wanders close to Universities or other facilities for pursuing higher education.

Also, if you do encounter an extinctosaurus this week, 10 percent of any wealth incurred by the find will be charged to Harding Humor as a informant's fee.

PB '11

My Fellow Americans (sorry to all international students, but you can't vote)....

2007-11-28T16:27:00.000-06:00

Harding Humor has so far abstained from entering the realm of politics in any way, shape, or form. This is out of courtesy for the many diverse views students have towards our political system in America.

However a new exciting time is emerging in America and Harding University, through Harding Humor, has been called upon to lead the way in this new front.

Harding Humor is proud to announce the candidacy of Count Von Count, the well known educator, actor, mathematician, counselor, musician, and mediator who makes his residence on Sesame Street.

Yes, the lovable, purple Count IS running for the Presidency of the United States. One Word: Legit.

Count Von Count, known to close friends and business partners as "The Count", is not running a traditional race for the Presidency. Using a personal, down-home, approach to the campaign trail Count Von Count is using a radical new campaign plan called the "Write In Revolution". He is seeking to gain a more intimate relationship with the American public and he feels that the best way to judge his success is by denying himself any name recognition at the polls and requesting his supporters write his name on the ballots. If he succeeds he will become the first president in US history elected without a major party, elected solely by write in votes, and the first of his muppet/vampire minorities to be elected (a huge step forward for both minorities).

Now you may be raising some questions about Count Von Count's qualifications for president. These can be dispelled quickly. Count Von Count is 35 years old, he turned 35 on November 1st this year. Count Von Count is a third generation American, his grandparents immigrated from Transylvania during the Industrial Revolution. While The Count may lack experience in public office he does not lack the experience working with others and representing others best interests. For example on April 26, 1973 The Count was able to work through differences with fellow educator Cookie Monster in able to teach children to count using cookies. Can the Count handle the fiscal responsibilities of being President? If the counts name doesn't speak to that perhaps his arithmomania will answer. The Count keeps close tabs on his own finances, as shown on bank security films from November 12, 1974. Despite his title the Count knows the working mans needs. He has worked as an educator and actor for 35 years now and has done brief stints as a musician. For a short period in 1993 Count Von Count worked as an elevator operator.

I believe Count Von Count's track record will show that he is the best man to sit in the Oval Office for the next four years. So join the Write In Revolution and vote for Count Von Count for President of the United States in 2008!

PB '11, RH '11, AJ '11

Mental Health Report by Dr. Mel Arthur

2007-11-11T19:55:00.000-06:00

Recently psychologists have made a startling discovery concerning how the average American approaches relationships. Top researchers contend that most Americans are so consumed by their favorite television shows that they adapt their everyday interactions to resemble these shows. The most prominent example of this would be fans of NBC's hit sitcom "The Office". Often they see one or two instances where someone behaves with the mannerisms of a character from the fictional world, so they decide to themselves act like someone from the sitcom in order to have the correct relationship with said person. This is especially dangerous in romantic relationships. An example would be fans of the show "Scrubs", when the male begins to show the personality traits of Dr. Perry Cox, the female resorts to behaving like Cox's ex-wife/lover Jordan. This further confuses the relationship until the masquerade falls and the couple realizes they hate each other and have ruined their chances of having another healthy relationship of any sort for months.
This syndrome, named an "Office Fixation" due to the high rate of victims being infected by that show, is not just limited to sitcom fans. Fans of the drama series Lost have been known to intentionally book flights on sub-par airlines that fly over deserted islands. Also a recent survey showed that 90 percent of Lost watchers expect their disabled family members to suddenly be mobile again someday. This has lead to a number of our nation's elderly being dumped from their wheelchairs and suffering tremendous amounts of damage to their shins and elbows.
How do you know if you are at risk? Basically anyone that watches any sort of television programming regularly is at risk. Don't think that just because you only watch Ken Burns documentaries and Larry King Live you won't fall into an "Office Fixation". Young children are at risk too, don't let you child believe its normal behavior to drop an anvil on someone's head or that they should wear square shaped pants.

The following are the most common behavioral displays of an "Office Fixation" in each age group:

Birth to two years: Seeing another toddler and calling "Boooobaaaaaah" followed by an awkward shaking of the tush.

2-10 years: The exclamation to all masked members of society, "Swiper No Swiping!"

10-14 years: Attempting to play your nose like a flute, wearing suspenders, and answering the question "Are you ready?" with a yell of "Aye Aye Captain!"

15-18 years: Singing Imogene Heap's "Hide and Seek" whenever dramatic moments happen in their life.

18-24 years: Laughing in a high-pitched, nasal voice, talking to dogs, and assuming babies want to take over the world.

24-35 years: Saying "Question" before asking a question and glimpsing directly into a camera 's lens whenever given the opportunity.

35-50 years: Assuming all your neighbors are sleeping around and attempting to join in.

50-65 years: Yelling out price guesses when other people are checking out at the store.

PB '11

Dinosaur of the Week

2007-11-09T22:44:00.000-06:00

Ficklesaurus: The ficklesaurus is a strange creature. The ficklesaurus doesn't really have any set characteristics. If you encounter a ficklesaurus on campus, let it work itself into a flustered state of indecision, then make your escape. By no terms attempt to help the ficklesaurus make a decision. Try to avoid any ficklesaurus when making sales pitches. Also try to avoid getting in line behind them for events such as ordering meals or voting. Also avoid dating the ficklesaurus as it will only lead to your confusion and might result in your own transformation into a ficklesaurus. Remember all these tips as you encounter the ficklesaurus around campus this week.

PB '11

More from "The Blurb Number#"

2007-11-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

These are some general blurbs for different things around campus. Hopefully we will have a PDF version of The Blurb Number# in its entirety available for download by the end of November (knock on wood).
Enjoy!

Cafeteria- Making you despise the Freshman 15 even more.

Nursing Majors- What's a social life?

Education Majors- "Awwwwwww Precious!"

Computer Lab Moniters- Excuse me, how dare you interrupt my homework time with these computer problems.

Admissions Office- Hey, you're here, our jobs over, we don't have to talk to you.

CAB- Making Harding bearable for people who like the same things we do.

Young Republicans- You're always a Republican but... you're only young once.

College Democrats- Wait, Harding has Democrats???

Campus Mail- Increasing hand-eye coordination one mailbox at a time.

Student Center- That's right, we're practically promising you diabetes!

PB '11, RH '11

Dinosaur of the Week

2007-11-01T16:53:00.000-05:00

Peptrodon: The Peptrodon is a modern dinosaur that can be found across the world in varying degrees. The main trait of the peptrodon is its unfailing joyfulness and excitement, and its desire to spread these feelings with all others. The Peptrodon is easily recognized by its means of transportation, the skip. Even when standing in place the peptrodon hops up and down in place, barely able to contain itself. The peptrodon is a master of body language, which is evolutions way of balancing their lack of a large vocabulary. Often times a peptrodon will approach you and enthusiastically ask "How's it Goin?!?" or "Wassup?!?", sometimes the female persuasion of peptrodon will use the greeting, "Gooood Morning!!" This is true even if the peptrodon has already seen you five minutes ago or just finished speak to a group you were included in. The peptrodon is always concerned for your well being and will attempt to brighten your day with countless unfunny stories that often have no conclusion or purpose. These stories are often followed by a giggle or a ditsy "Isn't that hilarious?" Another way evolution has adapted the peptrodon is their innate sense of others feelings. This has always been an instinct of the Peptrodon, as its primary goal is not to survive or to mate, but to make others happy also. However, the more successful peptrodons have learned to avoid others that have violent tendencies when they are in a bad mood. The peptrodon can often be seen wearing bright colors, rainbows, WWJD bracelets, unicorns, Christian slogan tees, and brightly colored braces/headgear. The peptrodon is quick to give hugs and invade personal space boundries. The peptrodon will laugh at any joke, intended or not. It is also quick to tell its own jokes, which are often cheesy, old, or just out right not funny. This does not discourage the peptrodon. The peptrodon also loves listening to music that was popular once, but never again such as N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, The B-52s, Ally and AJ, Will Smith, Rascal Flatts, and the ever popular Michael Jackson. The peptrodon will often want to quote, sing from, or talk about their favorite cult classic movies such as The Princess Bride, The Breakfast Club, Clueless, Casablanca, Simon Birch, Shazaam, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Aladdin, and their all time favorite, High School Musical. If you run across a peptrodon, try to remain as neutral as possible. If you act happy it will assume it has found a friend and ally. If you act unhappy it will feel obliged to cheer you up. Often times a more tame peptrodon can be a good friend to have at a distance. The tame peptrodon is always willing to do any favor and is never downhearted no matter how much you tease it. All in all, each peptrodon encounter must to some extent judged on its own, as different peptrodons feel different levels of inspiration towards others. Good luck as you encounter different peptrodons around campus this week.

PB '11

Connect the Dots: Harding Conspiracies Revealed

2007-11-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

Hundreds of students pass by it everyday. Several university employees work next to or above it and think nothing of it. It has been on campus for as long as any witnesses can remember. What exactly is "it"? It's the cryptic bricked over entrances on either end of the Olen Hendrix building. Yes, you may have briefly glanced at them and thought, "That's odd" or maybe you assumed they lead inside and had been blocked over with the addition of the stairwell outside. If you've been inside the building however, you know that there is no evidence for this. Unfortunately you are missing a crucial truth. The large entryways are reminiscent of a larger importance than the entrance to a building of collegiate classrooms. They are in fact the gateway into a mausoleum unlike any other. Why haven't we connected the dots earlier? Obviously there is a secret way to move past the bricks and enter a wonder filled chamber containing nothing short of the ark of the covenant, the holy grail, the mausoleum of James A Harding himself, and of course the hidden museum of past Spring Sing memorabilia. We have been walking past the most amazing aspect of campus for years. But how do you enter this "chamber of wonders"? Like you would enter any other building, call security. Yes, as homecoming comes up this weekend, I encourage all of you to stand outside of the crypt and call our Public Safety officers and ask them to open the crypt for you. For now, until we know better, the cavern is officially known as the "Chamber of Wonders". Although the officer may claim to have no idea what you are talking about, keep pressing. If you get the chance use force and intimidation to convince them to drop the act and open up. If necessary distract their attention and steal their keys, then go over the keys until we find one that works. Now, not every blow joe public safety officer is going to have a key to the "Chamber of Wonders" so when you call request one of the higher ups, such as Wayne or Craig. If possible pretend to be Dr. Burks when you call, that way they'll be sure to come with the appropriate key for the "Chamber of Wonders". At all costs we must find a way to share this wealth with the rest of the Harding community. So please if you have any information about the "Chamber of Wonders" or wish to help us enter it contact us at hardinghumor@gmail.com. And remember, as you go about your business this week keep your eyes peeled and maybe you to can Connect the Dots.

PB '11

Dinosaur of the week

2007-10-17T22:28:00.000-05:00

Freshasaurus: This dinosaur insists on using the slang of the early nineties black culture even though they are white and whose only experience with black culture are VH1's Hip Hop Honors and reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The freshasaurus can often be spotted wearing bold, bright colors that only barely refrain from clashing, for example the infamous hang ten shirt of the 90s. Increase in Freshasaurus population has lead to the reintroduction of the hang ten shirt, the striped polo, the trucker hat, and the colored undershirt in large retail stores such as Wal-Mart and Target. The freshasaurus is not limited to this guise by any means. Often the most dangerous sub-species of freshasaurus are the "Preppy Freshasaurus" and the "Skater Freshasaurus" they do not appear to be freshasaurus at first, but once they begin to speak it becomes obvious that they are freshasaurus. The freshasaurus is dangerous once it begins to speak, its use of the words "Dope", "fresh", and "stupid" can cause the painful pulling out of one's hair. It deadly use of the word "da" in place of "the" can lead to a fatal head explosion caused by intense confusion. But, perhaps the most dangerous tool of the Freshasaurus is its ability to stir up nostalgia for the nineties through its behavior, this leads to the temporary transforming of its prey into another freshasaurus. Although the state of freshasaurus is usually temporary to the prey, the damage this does to the preys reputation is the equivalent of leprosy. In rare cases the nostalgic bite can cause permanent transformation of the prey. By all accounts avoid the freshasaurus, but if you must come into contact with a freshasaurus try to do so in large groups, and use these tips to protect yourself: Sing Tom Jones songs, this will remind the freshasaurus of Carlton from Fresh Prince and give you a chance to escape; if the freshasaurus is wearing Hammer pants, pull them over its eyes and run away; start any line from "Ice, Ice, Baby" but don't finish it, the Freshasaurus will be forced to speak the rhyming line, use this opportunity to flee; if all other techniques fail than try to pass yourself off as a freshasaurus by saying you are "kickin' over to the mall to snatch some new adidas" or you need to "catch your homeboys" these are both "legit" reasons you must leave in the mind of the Freshasaurus. So as you go about your business on campus this week, keep an eye out for this modern dinosaur, the Freshasaurus.

PB '11

The Blurb Number#

2007-10-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

This is our first "number", and with pledge week coming up we thought we'd dedicate this entry to Harding's Social Clubs. So without further ado Harding Humor gives you... "The Blurb Number#"

Blurbs for Harding's Social Clubs:

Knights: "Everything goes with naked."

Ju Go Ju: "Aren't we adorable, daddy?"

Zeta Rho: "We Heart Harding!"

TNT: "We 'Heart' Harding, too! (Because we heart Zeta Rho)"

Chi Sigma Alpha: "You only love us for our seniors. Hey, remember when Tim Miller made us cool?"

Regina: "Let's talk about our feelings!"

King's Men: "We are too lazy to change our Bible major's club rep."

Gamma Sigma Phi: "Hey, we've got Nate Copeland so we're cool through association!"

Alpha Tau Epsilon: "And we care because..."

Ko Jo Kai: "What's a blurb?"

Titans: "Superiority is compensation."

Theta Psi Kappa: "Our colors are black and not quite as black as the first black, but still undeniably black."

Pi Kappa Epsilon: "We enjoy a good paddling!"

Beta Omega Chi: "Jesus didn't have a sister club."

Sub T-16: "Do you have any idea how long it takes to draw that stupid submarine in the cement?"

PB '11, RH '11, KM '11

Editorial: Manpris vs. Capris for Men

2007-10-08T13:10:00.002-05:00

Today I'm turning my attention to one of the up and coming fashion trends on Harding's campus, affectionately known as the manpri. Many of you may have noticed the increased number of gentlemen wearing their pants, typically jeans, with the pantlegs rolled up to the mid/high calf region of their legs. This is the manpri, also known as the "Huck Finn" to some. It is an ingenious way for men to receive the same escape from heat that women do, without breaking Harding's dress code. I myself have been known to pull the manpri on many occasions, even back as far as Junior High. The truth of the matter is that it is comfortable and fashionable.
Now, the wonder that is the manpri goes beyond its cooling powers or stylishness, it is the fact that the manpri isn't an article of clothing that makes it such a marvelous style. The jeans can be worn down during cooler weather, and any pair of jeans can become manpris. It is for this reason that capris for men are such a shameful idea. No, not at all, in no way are manpris and capris for men the same thing. I'm ashamed of you for even thinking such blasphemy. The fact is, no self respecting man would go out of his way to purchase "pants" that is as one dimensional as the capri. Men who own capris cut for men simply have too much money, too feminine taste, or simply have not been enlightened to the existence of the manpri. So I'm proposing a revolution. The Manpri Revolution. I envision a campus full of men bearing their thighs to the breeze. A campus full of men with tan lines just below their knees. I have a dream that every time a pass a gentleman on campus this winter, the knees of his jeans will be slightly wrinkled from being Huck Finned so often during the warmer seasons.
So faculty, staff, naysayers, and capri for men wearing metros, be warned the Manpri Revolution has arrived at Harding University. Rolled up jeans aren't just for rainy days anymore, now they are free to all who seek relief from the pained heat of denim pant legs. Vive Le Manpri!!!!

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief

About Harding Humor

2007-09-28T16:50:00.001-05:00

This blog is dedicated to exploring the campus environment of Harding University through a humorous lens with the purpose of "lightening the load" of its students and entertaining its alumni, faculty, staff, and prospective students. The blog also hopes to encourage the formation of a formal humor magazine on campus in the tradition of other prestigious schools. This blog and its purpose also draws itself from a Biblical perspective: Proverbs 17:22a "A cheerful heart is the best medicine..."; also satire is used to keep King David accountable by Nathan in 2 Samuel 12 and by Joab and the Woman of Tekoa in 2 Samuel 14. In the same way we hope that any satire in this blog will be taken in good fun, but any satire has its roots in truth and is meant to make a change for good. In a similar fashion it is requested that all posts and subsequent comments be appropriate for the Christian community which the author and the subject are a part of. This includes respecting the views of others and understanding that hyperbole, stereotype, and parody are necessary tools to the entertainment provided by this blog, do not take things personally.

Disclaimer: This blog is a group of students' personal perspectives. The views cited on this blog, by the authors or any responses by readers, do not reflect the views of Harding University or their faculty/staff.