Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Only one letter keeps rape from being nosy instead of noisy.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

Educated guesses to questions asked this week.

What Students Do While Waiting For the Attendance Sign-In So They Can Then Sneak Out Of Dr. Moon's Biology Class:
-Facebook
-Play Solitare
-Shop on Ebay
-Pine for the Rockies
-Watch latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if they missed anything
-Abandon their shoulder angels


What Dr. Moon Does After Everyone Leaves His Class:
-Facebook
-Plays Solitare
-Shops on Ebay
-Pines for the Rockies
-Plays Bingo with the periodic table
-Produces Tupac's next "posthumous" release
-Composes polyphonic ringtones
-Coordinates NATO troops through telepathic communication
-Watches latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if he missed anything
-Runs home for abandoned shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon keeps in the cabinets of Pryor 123:
-Chemical samples
-Dissected animals
-Bingo chips
-Cerebro Brain Wave Enhancer
-Abandoned shoulder angels
-Tupac Shakur

PB '11

Google Poll

Today Harding Humor is creating (in the sense that we're claiming it even though you may have done it before) a new type of Public Poll, the Google Poll. This is where a topic is entered into the Google search engine and the results of the first page are read and the results of how many positive and negative pages are posted.
Today we searched many topics of prestige: salad and David Barton. These are the results:

Salad:
5- positive pages
5- neutral pages
0- negative pages
0- irrelevant pages
Looks like the Webizens of the world love salad, or at least they don't hate it!

David Barton:
3- neutral pages
1- irrelevant page (an ad for a gym)
2- positive pages
4- negative pages
Overall, looks like David Barton loses public support in the digital world

Pseudo-Disclaimer: To anyone who would love to pull us down, specifically the writer of this piece, with petty arguments of bias know that this does not have a partisan slant at all since salad has aligned itself with Mike Huckabee and the Republican party since Huck first ran for governor of Arkansas.

PB '11, RH '11, Google

Connect The Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Recently I have come under fire. I know you expect there to be more to the sentence than that but that is a fairly simple assessment of what is going on. Recently I have noticed an increasing number of suited persons in my vicinity. Also I have sensed many an assassin in the bushes around campus. What has been going on in peaceful Searcy, Arkansas, U.S. of A. ?

Today in my Intro to Mass Comm class I put the pieces together as to what was going on. I made a harmless joke to The Chris Berry, mind behind the popular blog of the same name. that no one will ever assassinate Hillary Clinton if she becomes president because she is in fact a robot. Now, even though I firmly believe this statement, I assumed it would be taken as a joke. However, later that same class period my professor asked if anyone in the class blogged. Myself and my classmate raised our hands, the only hands raised in the class. The professor than discussed blogs, during which another student asked if being stalked as result to one's blog is a risk. That's when I realized what was going on. I remembered the conversations I had with my friends and roommates leading up to and following Super Bowl 42. All of a sudden I realized that this blog was the cause of my problems and at the same time the solution to my problems. I realized I must use the power of my blog to make the information I have public before the agents silence me.

The problem begins with my NFL love, which has also proven a curse lately, the New England Patriots. Many of you have wondered how they managed the amazing play they have put forth all season. The answer is actually quite simple to anyone with an open mind and enough free time to dedicate days of observation to the team: Bill Belichick is a master android builder. As a matter of fact he is the world's premier android builder. Tom Brady is one of his crowning achievements, because Tom Brady is not a human, he is a robot. Other players such as Randy Moss, Junior Seau, and Kevin Faulk have had joints and other body parts replaced by android replacements. But the Patriots stars aren't the only robots Belichick has created. Other robots such as Hillary Clinton, the entire judging panel of American Idol, and Lance Armstrong have survived in our midst without anyone suspecting their mechanization. However after the improbable events of this past NFL season Belichick's cover was at risk. However by a stroke of luck for the US Government (who has been sponsoring Belichick's android creations with little to no chaperoning of the projects) the New York Giants defeated the machines and secured the Pats cover for another season (although in all fairness no where does the NFL say robots can't play). However, after the game I mentioned the androids to my roommate and fellow Harding Humor writer Ryan Howard. With research we discovered that the android program was started as part of the New Deal. FDR was looking for replacement legs and created a secret government bureau to create androids. These in turn created their greatest robot to date: J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover assumed control of the FBI and ensured that it never unearthed any of the android programs doings, but still spent a good 30% of its budget on the program. Builder after builder the trade was passed on. Until a young boy was discovered near the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland named William Belichick. This boy had a natural talent for building robots. He quickly became the most adept android builder in the country taking over the government project in exchange for his own head coaching position in the NFL. Since then he has kept tabs on the nations many androids: Bob Barker, the entire cast of The View, Ricky Martin, and Bigfoot (he does exist, but he's a robot not an ape). Anyways, Ryan and I couldn't believe our findings. We knew we had unearthed the biggest secret in decades. Then the truth hit us. We realized that there are many androids here on Harding University's campus. They were not just here, they were after us! Many other assassins and agents began appearing as well. We know now that we do not have much longer to live. So Ryan and I agreed to post this post to inform all of you to what is going on.

In their defense the Government has every right to silence me. Androids are functioning members of our society, whether we are aware of them or not. And as citizens with feelings (albeit limited feelings, but they do have some) it would be a national crisis if we were launched into xenophobia against androids due to two young adult males. So even though we are telling you about the robots, don't fear them. They just want to exist like you and I.

Well, since Ryan and I may not have much longer to live, we'd like to thank you all for reading with us and hopefully laughing with us.

It's been quite a ride. Thanks.

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pocket

Content's of John F Kennedy's pockets:

Rosary Beads
The original Space Pen (writes upside down!)
Two pre-missile crisis Cuban cigars
Peanuts compliments of Air Force One
A wallet containing: Pictures of Jackie, Marylin Monroe, Himself, Himself and Jackie, Himself and Marylin, two tickets to see Sinatra in Vegas, and a membership card to the "Tag! Your it! Sniper Club".
Unbreakable comb
"#1 Prez" customized Zippo Lighter

PB '11

FacTakes: Chapel Parody

Here at Harding Humor, we've noticed some of the faculty and staff have very distinct mannerisms that come out when they speak before a large group of students, such as in Chapel.
We are delving into new territory this new semester by bringing you videos of our "best"
impressions of these speakers. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: We do not wish to hurt the feelings of any faculty or staff featured in this
segment. For this reason the subject of the caricature will not be named, however if anyone has a video brought to their attention that they feel is impersonating them, contact our editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu and the video will be removed.


UPDATE: Upon revisiting this video 10 years later it is very distasteful and has been removed accordingly.

New Blogroll

Since our start last semester, we've tried to bring a little laughter onto Harding's campus. Many of you have been extremely supportive with your contributions, feedback, endorsement, and your laughter. Some of you have a given us the honor of being included on your blogroll. This has lead to an increase in our readers, and we greatly appreciate it. I'd especially like to thank Dr. Mark Elrod of Harding for getting us out of the small student blog sphere and into the world "legit" weblogs (if you can call any blog legit) by adding us to his blogroll.

So now its our turn to return the favor. We've added a blogroll to our layout containing other Harding blogs. We've also added links to the websites of two of the most prestigious college humor magazines (The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern and The Harvard Lampoon) and we hope you can at the least get a good chuckle from the material there also.

Enjoy these other blogs and continue to check back as we begin our second semester covering campus life here at Harding University.

Much Love,
Harding Humor

Harding Humor Exclusive: JD Zuckerman

As the road to the Oscars begins and the Hollywood Awards Season kicks off, many new movies come out and capture the hearts of their viewers and critics. One such movie that has just opened is The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, directed and produced by Rob Reiner, and written by Justin Zackham. This heart-warming film about two terminally ill gentlemen who escape from their cancer ward to complete a list of adventures before they die. Many fans and critics are already teeming with praise for this film, but what's the story behind this film? Can we really thank Justin Zackham and Rob Reiner for this heartwarming story? Well, yes you can. But there is another important man whose contribution to the story is being overlooked by critics. That man is JD Zuckerman. JD Zuckerman is a greengrocer in a small town in Georgia. He also attended NYU film school with Justin Zackham, in fact they lived down the hall from each other. Now JD did fail out of NYU film school, but not before doing something very important, providing Zackham with a list of all the ideas he had for movies, but would never get to finish. One of which lead to the creation of The Bucket List. The original concept was for the two cancerous man to make a list of people to say hello to when they went to hell. This was changed to make the film more accessible to families.

Below is the original "List of people to say hello to in hell". Written by JD Zuckerman and Justin Zackman. With comments by Zuckerman.

The Hello List:
1) Audrey Hepburn- She was real pretty, so we wanted to let her know we were sorry she was in hell.
2) Joey Fatone- He was the cool looking member of N*Sync and we wanted to tell him that we tried several times to get on The Singing Bee, but just couldn't manage it.
3) John Madden- We wanted to tell him that they are renaming his video game series to Don't Go to Hell Like John Madden Did 2009.
4) Tommy the Green Power Ranger- Well, he was the evil power ranger, but he was still the coolest.
5) Dr. Phil McGraw- We just figured he could help us cope with our hellishness.
6) Richard Nixon- I wanted him to "sock it to me".
7) Paula Deen- We were hoping that with all those flames, down there, in hell, she could make us some real good barbecue.
8) Roy Rodgers- We wanted him to know that he was in hell, because his restaurants sell horsemeat.
9) Trigger- We wanted Trigger to know we never ate him, no matter how good he smelled.
10) JD Salinger- He has my name, so we were gonna tell him that to cut down on confusion I would go by JD Z. and he could just go by JD.
11) Jamie Lynn Spears- We were gonna tell her how she ruined TeenNick and taught pre-teens everywhere that its cool to "Get With"
12) Harry Potter-wizard, enough said
13) Lassie- We were gonna ask her why she didn't warn any of these people they were going to hell.
14) Jack Ruby- Even though he's a murderer, he murdered an assassin. So we were gonna tell him we thought he was a decent fellow.
15) OJ Simpson- We were gonna try and find out if he really did it, I mean why lie when you're already in hell?
16) Mao Tse-Tong- We've always liked the color red
17) Nathan Bedford Forrester- We were curious about whether or not he was surprised he ended up in hell.
18) Dr. Kervorkian- We were gonna ask him if he had ever worked for free

PB '11, AE '11, RH '11

Arctic Monkeys and Upper Peninsulas

Today in Michigan the Republican Primaries are going on, but that's not the only political circus in the area. That's right our favorite son, Count Von Count was also in Michigan today. He was using the media fair of the Republican Primaries as a time to get his message out to voters in the northern state. Count Von Count has gained much popularity in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and is picking up steam in the lower part of the state. Today the first Count Von Count rally was held in Sheboygan, Michigan. The Count spoke to the people of Michigan along with celebrity endorsers Kermit the Frog, Bob Vela, Jim Lehrer, and Richard Scarry. Also British band The Arctic Monkeys endorsed Count Von Count, dedicating a special performance of their song Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong, But... at the rally. The Count plans to move to Nevada and South Carolina next in his campaign and hopes to announce a running mate soon.

Correction to previous Count Update:

The Count would like everyone involved to note that the work schedule presented in the last article was only true prior to the Writer's Guild of America's Strike. The Count has not returned to work at Sesame Street since the strike began and firmly supports the writers' efforts and hopes a settlement will be reached soon.

PB '11

Count Von Count Update

Many of you have asked how Count Von Count has shown in the primaries and so forth. (Not really, but I like to pretend like my entries are relevant to the readers' needs) Count Von Count has indeed been in Iowa and New Hampshire the past few months. In fact the Count was splitting his time between Iowa and New Hampshire while maintaining his position on the TV show Sesame Street.

How is this possible? It is rather interesting how our caped candidate managed to be available to so many citizens. As many of you know the Count is part vampire. With this comes the ability to turn into a bat and fly. Now Sesame Street, Count Von Count's long running job, tapes at 6:00 AM EST and a typical taping lasts two hours, so Count Von Count leaves New York City at 8:00 AM and flies west to New Hampshire arriving at approximately 8:45 AM. Here he grabs breakfast at local restaurants and mingles with the people of New Hampshire for about four hours, leaving around 1:00 PM EST. Count arrives in Iowa at 3:00 CST after three hours of flight. He then attempts to rally his support here for around six hours, leaving Iowa at 9:00 PM CST and arriving back in New York at 2:00 AM EST. Typically this would make for a very tiring day, but vampires/muppets require little to no sleep. The Count spends the last four hours of his day reviewing his strategy for the next day and relaxing with his family.

Now many of you are wondering why you haven't heard about Count's results in these states. Could it be (you are certainly wondering) that he received zero votes and is a miserable failure? Not at all. No, the Count has actually been quite successful in these states. However, the Count does not have much to show for his campaign because he was not included in the caucuses or the primaries. Now, you all know (because you are soooo intelligent) that anyone who pays the $1000.00 entry fee may run in the New Hampshire Primaries. However, due to the nature of his campaign Count didn't enter the primary. He is hoping to throw the polls by encouraging voters to write him in. Also, the majority of Count supporters have never voted before. So in the following weeks there will be a special segment of Sesame Street in which
Count will teach citizens how to go through the voting process.

So now you know that our favorite Vampire is still in this race. The Count will be looking to expand his campaign across the US. So look for the black bat in your area in the upcoming year.

PB '11