Columbus the Childrens Programming Producer

Columbus was known for claiming things already owned by others well before claiming the Caribbean Islands for Spain. This lead to one particularly embarrassing event that went something like this:

A drunken Chris walks into the throne room of Philip (KP) and Isabella (QI) with a pony
CC: "Your Highnesses! Don't think you can get rid of me this easily. I will keep after you til you send me on a westward route to Asia!"
KP: "Chris I don't know what you're talking about, we've told you we'll give you the money at the beginning of the next fiscal year."
CC: "Don't know what I'm talking about! That's rich! You're just getting richer by the day, with nothing to spare for your old explorer buddy."
QI: "Enough nonsense! Why do you have that thing in my palace? I just had the floors done."
CC: "I just found this thing in my bed! Think I wouldn't notice a small horse in my bed? Well its my little horse now and there's nothing you ninnies can do about it!"
KP: (aside to his guard) "I told you to put a severed horse head in his bed. As a threat."
Guard: "I thought you said to put a stunted horse kid in his bed. For laughs."
KP: "Look you can keep the little horsey, its our gift to you to show you we're still thinking of you."
CC: "Oh I'm keeping it. I'm naming it Pony and painting it pretty pastel colors. And feeding it skittles so it poops rainbows. YOU HEAR ME THIS IS MY LITTLE PONY!"
KP: "What are skittles?"
QI: "Fine, but know this is the last of your demands we will put up with."
CC: "Oh you say that now, but once I'm in explorer mode I'll be famous and you'll give me what I want, like a talking backpack and map that shows up when I call for it. And I'll be allowed to ask the invisible people for help whenever I want. Cause that's what it means to be AN EXPLORA oh good SENORA!"
QI: "That doesn't really rhyme."
KP: "What's a backpack?"
CC: "C'mon My Little Pony let's go show these ingrates the magic of friendship. I'll let you come on the exploration with me." (to Philip and Isabella) "Peace!"
Columbus exits hastily with his small horse. Isabella and Philip sigh in relief.
KP: "Thank god that man doesn't have children they'd be frightened to death of the things of which he speaks."
QI: "I need to go puke now."

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pockets: Columbus Edition

Christopher Columbus was found dead with the following items in his billowy medieval trousers:

• Mysterious coinage with an all seeing eye and pyramid on it.
• "Barber of Seville" costumer reward punch card, punched to completion for one free shave and blood letting.
• Half eaten "Disease-On-A-Stick"
• 45 vinyl single of Sublime's "Wrong Way"
• Carnival Cruise tickets to St. Bart's
• Passport
• Kenneth Grahame's "The Wind and the Willows"
• "Cootie Catcher" folded paper divination toy with various cat paw marking on the inside.

Columbus Facts

So today we kickoff a new era of Harding Humor, only not really. Today is the official relaunch of our beloved weblog and the intention was to integrate Videos and Meme-based images into the format. However due to technical difficulties this has not been the case. Stay tuned as we continue to battle the evil tech monsters in my computer and/or internet connection and upload the content belatedly.

In the meanwhile here are some facts related to our beloved Christopher Columbus, delivered in tried and true HH formats (mainly lists):

Columbus's real name was Bob Hope and he struck his fame and fortune while attempting to film his first special, "Undiscovered Route to India".


Like any good sailor Columbus had several tattoos. They are as follows:

• A tattoo of Queen Isabella purging her dinner, the blackmail that got him his funding as well as the inspiration for the band Thin Lizzy's name.
• A map of the Vatican. Knowing he was directionally challenged but deeply religious, he got this tattoo to ensure he never stumbled into the Pope's personal chamberpot emporium.
• The face of his beloved kitty cat Nostrada-puss who spoke to Columbus regularly and dictated his day-to-day activities telepathically.
• "Thug Life" across his diaphragm.

The Knights of Columbus where originally a group of venture capitalists out to corner the aglet market, but as they were all devout Catholics they couldn't keep the monopoly together. They attempted to venture into unknown realms taking their name after the explorer who ventured into the unknown, However like their namesake they became lost and confused in the process and ended up becoming a Catholic fraternal service order.

Columbus Day Rage

Better view at Memebase. Follow the Jump. Enjoy.
PRB

President On A Shoestring

So we've all heard the rumors and whispers around campus...Dr. Burks will retire soon but who will be his replacement? Understanding the stressful financial times besetting America we here at HH will give our humble advice on who we think should replace Dr. Burks and why they would be a quality by based on cost efficiency. So we begin a new article series "president on a shoestring".

First options: The Davids

This idea is simple all of these candidates have already saved us money in hiring due to the fact that they share Dr. Burks's first name (this way we don't have to change the towels).

1) Davey from the Davey and Goliath shorts
Davey has long been known as a part of American pop culture. His claymation TV series has been integrating faith, life, and learning since the 60s. Davey comes with several economic advantages. First he has an immense recruiting appeal. Secondly, he is clay, thus he doesn't need sustenance or amenities of any kind. Lastly, he is independently wealthy and thus may take the job for a very low salary, unless that pesky dog is around ("I'm going to take the harding job for free!" "I don't know Daveeeey!")

2) David Blaine/David Copperfield
These two magicians could make an excellent tag team for the office of university president. Aside from the name saving they also have great financial perks. They can both use magic to travel, cutting transportation costs. They can make students disappear and reappear during the nights, eliminating the need for dorms. They can also both perform "miracles" live on TV16! Suck on that televangelists!

3)David Hasselhoff
The Hoff comes with several perks as well. If Hasselhoff were to take the president position he would presumably bring KITT, eliminating transportation needs and Nate Copeland's position (sorry nate, but the economy calls for downsizing, your job has been automated by a talking car). Due to his experience on America's Got Talent, we would never need another judge for the CAB talent show. Also he would give us a competitive edge against Pepperdine: yeah you may see Pam Anderson every once in awhile in Malibu, but we MAKE you look at the Hoff every day in chapel....okay so maybe there is a downside.

4) David Beckham
I can sum up his contribution in two words: Posh Spice

5) Gen. David Petraeus
Upsides: most awesome Public Safety ever, built in ASI connections, and he won't let radical students burn Koran's
Downsides: would have to wear padded shoulder suitcoats to meet his maximum sex appeal potential

That sums up our David options, other shoestring options for the office of harding's president to come later.

PB '??

HUH? For Real Though...

So even though Mr. Ramsey may think he was cute when he came up with the idea of Harding University Habits, I've got some bad news: there have been habits here that made me say HUH? for years. Check these out....

-The idea that riding a long board to class is in any way more efficient than just walking... or maybe just the idea that you don't look like a tool doing it.

-Sidewalk chalk is a valid form of advertising-from which you can expect results. (ex. "i'm really excited about souvenirs tonight, there should be a lot of new people after that intense sidewalk chalk campaign" followed by this reaction at the meeting "oh, its just more of the same kind of people that always come")

-Awkward = Indie (?)

-The people waiting outside of a locked classroom can be ignored by other professors with keys. (thank you bible faculty for changing this habit)

-Its okay to look exasperated when choosing to check your mail during the post chapel onslaught.

-Casual Frisbee tossing can only be performed in areas easily viewed by all students.

-The idea that whoever you are currently talking to knows everyone you know, even though that isn't mutual.

-Shoes are optional in public places (for the record I definitely saw Dr. Hopper take off his Union Jack socks and walk around/leave Midnight Oil barefoot... really? you should know better)

-Last but not least, everything can be explained with a circle graph.

Patrick's Journal

This Semester HH will be farming articles out to my past self in a section called Patrick's Journal. I will be posting articles from my several years of required journal writing through my secondary school years. These articles show my contempt for the journal curriculum and some juvenile wit. Enjoy!

If I could be any cartoon character who would I choose?

This is easily the most ridiculous journal prompt so far this semester. The answer for everyone should hands-down be Mickey Mouse. Why you ask? Two words: Buttoned Boxers. Mickey Mouse has been traipsing around on the silver screen and other media since 1928 and no one has objected. I can't even enter a Waffle House in nothing but my boxers (and of course proper footwear and gloves). Seriously, I doubt that me being in my boxers would degrade the sanitary environment of Waffle House, in fact my bare skin would probably absorb some of the toxins and make the place healthier. However, this is apparently not socially acceptable. So how does Mickey get away with it. He has brilliantly legitimized the "just boxers" look by placing large white buttons on the front of them. Now, some would disagree with this. I have heard the arguments. Primarily that Mickey is in fact wearing overall shorts or suspenders and the bands match his fur coloring. Suspenders are right out. Suspenders are directly attached to the buttons, thus we would see a small strip of black from those buttons rising to the mouse's torso. The idea of overalls is dismissible on similar logic. However, on another, more important plane of thought, the question must be answered that if Mickey is wearing overall shorts why isn't he wearing a shirt. It is known worldwide that wearing overalls without shirts is rural at best and redneck in all reality. MICKEY MOUSE IS NOT A HICK!!! Thus the functionality of this buttons have been ruled out as part of a support device. Perhaps they work as a seal for a flap, such as for a reverse union suit? That may be....not. That is even sillier than suspenders. Why would Mickey wear union shorts that do not cover the rest of his body? He wouldn't. No, Mickey simply enjoys the finer points of life, which include running around in just your underwear. Everyone does it at some point and thoroughly enjoys it. Mickey has simply made this practice acceptable in proper company by placing large decorative buttons on the front of his boxers. So on behalf of all of us: Rock on Mickey. Stick it to the man (or woman). As for the rest of us, myself included, we can only dream about being Mickey for a day. This is why I would be Mickey Mouse if I could be any cartoon character for a day.

Current Events

Top News Copies to Cross the HH desks:

A-Rod is the talk of nation after confessions of steroid use come out. Who will ask the question on everyone's mind: Madonna still dates you because...?

The AFP announced that French First Lady Carla Bruni is on her first AIDS trip this week. Meanwhile, Rolling Stone magazine announced that First Lady of Soul Aretha Franklin went on her first ACID trip since 1967 this week.

Woes in the California state budget may mean that state employees get to see Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger return to one of his more famous roles: The Terminator.

Despite the fact that millions of Americans are unprepared, the American television industry says it is still moving forward with plans to make the switch over to digital television. The good news is that at last we have proof that Rivers Cuomo is NOT the only person in the entertainment industry who hates his fans.


Tornado's in Oklahoma City this weekend have reminded citizens of the American Mid-West that you can never be to safe in a tornado warning situation. It has reminded the rest of America that they haven't seen a Bill Pullman movie in a while.


PRB '11

Educated Guesses

Educated Guesses: What Will Dr. Burks Do After Retiring?

-Golf
-Become a chapel checker
-Give play by play commentary of Chapel for TV16
-Turn into a llama and attempt to reclaim his job from his adviser who is a secret evil scientist and who employs a not so bright henchman that coincidentally is an excellent cook. Along the way he will become friends with a shepherd and build an awesome lap-pool called Burks-O-Topia,, and in the end the scientist will turn into a kitten and the henchman will become a scout troop leader. (Whoa! I’m getting a serious case of déjà vu right now. How about you Kuzco?)
-Take up knitting
-Make futile attempts at learning knitting that always lead to strange déjà vu sensations that make him think he was once a llama
-Turn into a pumpkin
-Turn into a pumpkin and request to be sent to South America due to his strange intuition that pumpkins are safe there because llamas can’t digest pumpkins
-Lobby for congress to change the name of “New Mexico” to the more truthful (and less consequential) “Mint-Condition Mexico”.
-Fake his death and move into the secret closet of Pryor 123 with Tupac Shakur and become a mutli-platinum rapper under the direction of Tupac’s secret producer Dr. John Moon, Jr.
-Win a Nobel Prize in science for his groundbreaking expose on the dialectic stage of pocket lent
-Run across America and coin potently simple and deceptively wise anecdotes that will someday inspire a movie
-Experiment with Cryogenics
-Sponsor Harding’s new Bocce Ball club
-Secretly move up to two facials a day from his already secret one
-Hibernate

PRB '11, WR '11

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!

This summer Alex had the privilege of meeting famous Smallville supervillian Lex Luther. Lex was available at That Bookstore In Blytheville for signings of his recent book, "Wheelchairs and Other Reasons It Is Entirely Unfair My Rival Is Superman". Alex said that Luther was very friendly, extremely articulate, and is offering internships to potential supervillains. Science majors preferred, but other majors also accepted. Caught Ya!