Monday, September 7, 2009

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!!!!

Another Fall, Another Summer past, and we're still stalking you.

This summer Ike Peters worked as a professional dance partner on Animal Planet's Dancing With the Animal Stars! Here he is rehearsing with his partner Buster, the dog that played Andrew (the dog with the ears) from Mary Poppins. Unfortunately Buster didn't do well in the competition and in a fit of rage marked Ike out for his own trainer, keeping other animals from dancing with him and thoroughly grossing out everyone else. Well, here's a tip from HH: Next time dance with the gimpy goose from Fly Away Home, that kid is gonna make it, he's a survivor. Just remember, whether you follow our advice or not, HH will know what you're doing!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Patrick's Journal

This Semester HH will be farming articles out to my past self in a section called Patrick's Journal. I will be posting articles from my several years of required journal writing through my secondary school years. These articles show my contempt for the journal curriculum and some juvenile wit. Enjoy!

If I could be any cartoon character who would I choose?

This is easily the most ridiculous journal prompt so far this semester. The answer for everyone should hands-down be Mickey Mouse. Why you ask? Two words: Buttoned Boxers. Mickey Mouse has been traipsing around on the silver screen and other media since 1928 and no one has objected. I can't even enter a Waffle House in nothing but my boxers (and of course proper footwear and gloves). Seriously, I doubt that me being in my boxers would degrade the sanitary environment of Waffle House, in fact my bare skin would probably absorb some of the toxins and make the place healthier. However, this is apparently not socially acceptable. So how does Mickey get away with it. He has brilliantly legitimized the "just boxers" look by placing large white buttons on the front of them. Now, some would disagree with this. I have heard the arguments. Primarily that Mickey is in fact wearing overall shorts or suspenders and the bands match his fur coloring. Suspenders are right out. Suspenders are directly attached to the buttons, thus we would see a small strip of black from those buttons rising to the mouse's torso. The idea of overalls is dismissible on similar logic. However, on another, more important plane of thought, the question must be answered that if Mickey is wearing overall shorts why isn't he wearing a shirt. It is known worldwide that wearing overalls without shorts is rural at best and redneck in all reality. MICKEY MOUSE IS NOT A HICK!!! Thus the functionality of this buttons have been ruled out as part of a support device. Perhaps they work as a seal for a flap, such as for a reverse union suit? That may be....not. That is even sillier than suspenders. Why would Mickey wear union shorts that do not cover the rest of his body? He wouldn't. No, Mickey simply enjoys the finer points of life, which if you are male is running around in just your underwear. All men do it at some point and thoroughly enjoy it. Mickey has simply made this practice acceptable in proper company by placing large decorative buttons on the front of his boxers. So for all of us men. Rock on Mickey. Stick it to the man (or woman since a man would never invent such a silly code of conduct). As for the rest of us, myself included, we can only dream about being Mickey for a day. This is why I would be Mickey Mouse if I could be any cartoon character for a day.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Recession Effects Post Output, But HH Still Stirs Things Up...

Dr. Dockery,
I had no idea that this would get back to you when I told Will about this (which is a very shortsighted view of Will's chagrin-ing powers).

Thanks to Stephanie O'Brien and TheChrisBerry for their voice analyzing skills and most of all
thanks to Dr. Dockery for having a sickfit amalgam of vocal characteristics (sickfit is a good adjective).

PRB '11, WR '11

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Current Events

Top News Copies to Cross the HH desks:

A-Rod is the talk of nation after confessions of steroid use come out. Who will ask the question on everyone's mind: Madonna still dates you because...?

A new study shows that obese women are more likely to give birth to babies with spina bifida, and in other news Icy-Hot and Pampers have created a new diaper for babies with lumbar lumps.
And oh, by the way Mrs Catchahaw County Fair, you can't remove a spina bifida lump with dry ice or Dran-o.

The AFP announced that French First Lady Carla Bruni is on her first AIDS trip this week. Meanwhile, Rolling Stone magazine announced that First Lady of Soul Aretha Franklin went on her first ACID trip since 1967 this week.

Woes in the California state budget may mean that state employees get to see Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger return to one of his more famous roles: The Terminator.

Despite the fact that millions of Americans are unprepared, the American television industry says it is still moving forward with plans to make the switch over to digital television. The good news is that at last we have proof that Rivers Cuomo is NOT the only person in the entertainment industry who hates his fans.

Tornado's in Oklahoma City this weekend have reminded citizens of the American Mid-West that you can never be to safe in a tornado warning situation. It has reminded the rest of America that they haven't seen a Bill Pullman movie in a while.

Have you heard the one about Bernie Madoff? How did we not see this coming? After all, Jews have always built the longest lasting pyramids.

PRB '11, KM '11

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Educated Guesses

Educated Guesses: What Will Dr. Burks Do After Retiring?

-Become a chapel checker
-Give play by play commentary of Chapel for TV16
-Turn into a llama and attempt to reclaim his job from his adviser who is a secret evil scientist and who employs a not so bright henchman that coincidentally is an excellent cook. Along the way he will become friends with a shepherd and build an awesome lap-pool called Burks-O-Topia,, and in the end the scientist will turn into a kitten and the henchman will become a scout troop leader. (Whoa! I’m getting a serious case of déjà vu right now. How about you Kuzco?)
-Take up knitting
-Make futile attempts at learning knitting that always lead to strange déjà vu sensations that make him think he was once a llama
-Turn into a pumpkin
-Turn into a pumpkin and request to be sent to South America due to his strange intuition that pumpkins are safe there because llamas can’t digest pumpkins
-Lobby for congress to change the name of “New Mexico” to the more truthful (and less consequential) “Mint-Condition Mexico”.
-Fake his death and move into the secret closet of Pryor 123 with Tupac Shakur and become a mutli-platinum rapper under the direction of Tupac’s secret producer Dr. John Moon, Jr.
-Win a Nobel Prize in science for his groundbreaking expose on the dialectic stage of pocket lent
-Run across America and coin potently simple and deceptively wise anecdotes that will someday inspire a movie
-Experiment with Cryogenics
-Sponsor Harding’s new Bocce Ball club
-Secretly move up to two facials a day from his already secret one

PRB '11, WR '11