Monday, October 10, 2011

Columbus the Childrens Programming Producer

Columbus was known for claiming things already owned by others well before claiming the Caribbean Islands for Spain. This lead to one particularly embarrassing event that went something like this:

A drunken Chris walks into the throne room of Philip (KP) and Isabella (QI) with a pony
CC: "Your Highnesses! Don't think you can get rid of me this easily. I will keep after you til you send me on a westward route to Asia!"
KP: "Chris I don't know what you're talking about, we've told you we'll give you the money at the beginning of the next fiscal year."
CC: "Don't know what I'm talking about! That's rich! You're just getting richer by the day, with nothing to spare for your old explorer buddy."
QI: "Enough nonsense! Why do you have that thing in my palace? I just had the floors done."
CC: "I just found this thing in my bed! Think I wouldn't notice a small horse in my bed? Well its my little horse now and there's nothing you ninnies can do about it!"
KP: (aside to his guard) "I told you to put a severed horse head in his bed. As a threat."
Guard: "I thought you said to put a stunted horse kid in his bed. For laughs."
KP: "Look you can keep the little horsey, its our gift to you to show you we're still thinking of you."
CC: "Oh I'm keeping it. I'm naming it Pony and painting it pretty pastel colors. And feeding it skittles so it poops rainbows. YOU HEAR ME THIS IS MY LITTLE PONY!"
KP: "What are skittles?"
QI: "Fine, but know this is the last of your demands we will put up with."
CC: "Oh you say that now, but once I'm in explorer mode I'll be famous and you'll give me what I want, like a talking backpack and map that shows up when I call for it. And I'll be allowed to ask the invisible people for help whenever I want. Cause that's what it means to be AN EXPLORA oh good SENORA!"
QI: "That doesn't really rhyme."
KP: "What's a backpack?"
CC: "C'mon My Little Pony let's go show these ingrates the magic of friendship. I'll let you come on the exploration with me." (to Philip and Isabella) "Peace!"
Columbus exits hastily with his small horse. Isabella and Philip sigh in relief.
KP: "Thank god that man doesn't have children they'd be frightened to death of the things of which he speaks."
QI: "I need to go puke now."

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pockets: Columbus Edition

Christopher Columbus was found dead with the following items in his billowy medieval trousers:
  • Mysterious coinage with an all seeing eye and pyramid on it.
  • "Barber of Seville" costumer reward punch card, punched to completion for one free shave and blood letting.
  • Half eaten "Disease-On-A-Stick"
  • 45 vinyl single of Sublime's "Wrong Way"
  • Carnival Cruise tickets to St. Bart's
  • Passport
  • Kenneth Grahame's "The Wind and the Willows"
  • "Cootie Catcher" folded paper divination toy with various cat paw marking on the inside.

Columbus Facts

So today we kickoff a new era of Harding Humor, only not really. Today is the official relaunch of our beloved weblog and the intention was to integrate Videos and Meme-based images into the format. However due to technical difficulties this has not been the case. Stay tuned as we continue to battle the evil tech monsters in my computer and/or internet connection and upload the content belatedly.

In the meanwhile here are some facts related to our beloved Christopher Columbus, delivered in tried and true HH formats (mainly lists):

Columbus's real name was Bob Hope and he struck his fame and fortune while attempting to film his first special, "Undiscovered Route to India".

Like any good sailor Columbus had several tattoos. They are as follows:
  • A tattoo of Queen Isabella purging her dinner, the blackmail that got him his funding as well as the inspiration for the band Thin Lizzy's name.
  • A map of the Vatican. Knowing he was directionally challenged but deeply religious, he got this tattoo to ensure he never stumbled into the Pope's personal chamberpot emporium.
  • The face of his beloved kitty cat Nostrada-puss who spoke to Columbus regularly and dictated his day-to-day activities telepathically.
  • "Thug Life" across his diaphragm.

The Knights of Columbus where originally a group of venture capitalists out to corner the aglet market, but as they were all devout Catholics they couldn't keep the monopoly together. They attempted to venture into unknown realms taking their name after the explorer who ventured into the unknown, However like their namesake they became lost and confused in the process and ended up becoming a Catholic fraternal service order.

Columbus Day Rage

Columbus Day Celebrates...?

Better view at Memebase. Follow the Jump. Enjoy.