Thursday, December 27, 2007

Its Aliiiiiive!!!!

For anyone who has felt the need to inform me that this blog is dead, please, read this post. Although most of my audience probably won't check this out until Harding's next semester starts , those of you who subscribe (and then complain to me) will hopefully be satisfied.

Now, about this blog being dead. Hmmm, let's review that assertion. For some reason I find that statement to be completely false and unfounded. First of all, let's consider how to diagnose death. Although I am not an expert on the passing on of beings, I am positive of a one thing. In order to die something first must be alive. Although it is debatable whether or not a blog is a living thing, I will give you some leeway and assume that this blog was (and still is) alive. So how can you tell if something is alive. Well, one predominant way of determining if something is alive is by checking its heartbeat. Although not all living beings have a heart, for example I cite David Loan (true the man has told me he has no heart, and he has never lied to me yet) this blog does indeed have a heart. A heart is the muscle that pushes the nutrient rich blood to the other pieces of the organism in order to ensure their continuing function. If you would excuse the vanity, I would hold that I am this blog's heart. I ensure that all parts of the blog run and make sure that no bit gets left out. I ensure that every article works at its highest potential. While the heart may have slowed down a bit, I have certainly not stopped working.
Another sign of death, especially with species such as Mr. Loan that operate without a heart, would be that the nervous system stops working. Now, we all no that the nervous system in what allows something to interact with others, so in the case of this blog the internet is said nervous system. As the graph shown above clearly shows, the internet has not forsaken our lovely blog. That is just this last week's activity. Clearly we are in good shape in that department. Well, what about plants? The last few assumptions have been made in the vein of proclaiming animals dead. When plants die, their chloroplasts stop creating sugars for the plant to use as sustenance. The sustenance of this blog is the daily events in my life and my cutting wit and wisdom. I suppose that as long as I, Patrick Baird, am alive that facet of the blog will be taken care of. One slightly less scientific method of determining death is by witnessing decomposition of said subject. It is clear that this blog is not decomposing by any means. So let's review the evidence: The heart has slowed its activity but is still operating and the nervous system is still functioning; the blog is getting plenty of sustenance and is not decaying at all. This seems to indicate to me that the blog is not dead just simply hibernating for the winter, in similar fashion to bears (with the exception of the Berenstain Bears). So for all you naysayers (Andrew), this blog is not dead, it's just not funny (sigh).

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Friday, November 30, 2007

Dinosaur of the Week

Extinctosaurus: The extinctosaurus no longer exists. You do not need to be wary of its preserved skeletons, fossilized eggs, or its pre-historic footprints. You do not need to know that the extinctosaurus makes its home deep beneath the ground or in tar pits. However, you do need to worry if you encounter an extinctosaurus on campus this week because if you do it is a sign that you are probably either suffering from mental illness or about to become regarded in the scientific world. Note: The extinctosaurus is often confused with the closely related exhibitosaurus found in museums across America. Unlike the exhibitosaurus, the extinctosaurus is completely harmless and rarely wanders close to Universities or other facilities for pursuing higher education.

Also, if you do encounter an extinctosaurus this week, 10 percent of any wealth incurred by the find will be charged to Harding Humor as a informant's fee.

PB '11

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Fellow Americans (sorry to all international students, but you can't vote)....

Harding Humor has so far abstained from entering the realm of politics in any way, shape, or form. This is out of courtesy for the many diverse views students have towards our political system in America.

However a new exciting time is emerging in America and Harding University, through Harding Humor, has been called upon to lead the way in this new front.

Harding Humor is proud to announce the candidacy of Count Von Count, the well known educator, actor, mathematician, counselor, musician, and mediator who makes his residence on Sesame Street.

Yes, the lovable, purple Count IS running for the Presidency of the United States. One Word: Legit.

Count Von Count, known to close friends and business partners as "The Count", is not running a traditional race for the Presidency. Using a personal, down-home, approach to the campaign trail Count Von Count is using a radical new campaign plan called the "Write In Revolution". He is seeking to gain a more intimate relationship with the American public and he feels that the best way to judge his success is by denying himself any name recognition at the polls and requesting his supporters write his name on the ballots. If he succeeds he will become the first president in US history elected without a major party, elected solely by write in votes, and the first of his muppet/vampire minorities to be elected (a huge step forward for both minorities).

Now you may be raising some questions about Count Von Count's qualifications for president. These can be dispelled quickly. Count Von Count is 35 years old, he turned 35 on November 1st this year. Count Von Count is a third generation American, his grandparents immigrated from Transylvania during the Industrial Revolution. While The Count may lack experience in public office he does not lack the experience working with others and representing others best interests. For example on April 26, 1973 The Count was able to work through differences with fellow educator Cookie Monster in able to teach children to count using cookies. Can the Count handle the fiscal responsibilities of being President? If the counts name doesn't speak to that perhaps his arithmomania will answer. The Count keeps close tabs on his own finances, as shown on bank security films from November 12, 1974. Despite his title the Count knows the working mans needs. He has worked as an educator and actor for 35 years now and has done brief stints as a musician. For a short period in 1993 Count Von Count worked as an elevator operator.

I believe Count Von Count's track record will show that he is the best man to sit in the Oval Office for the next four years. So join the Write In Revolution and vote for Count Von Count for President of the United States in 2008!

PB '11, RH '11, AJ '11

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Mental Health Report by Dr. Mel Arthur

Recently psychologists have made a startling discovery concerning how the average American approaches relationships. Top researchers contend that most Americans are so consumed by their favorite television shows that they adapt their everyday interactions to resemble these shows. The most prominent example of this would be fans of NBC's hit sitcom "The Office". Often they see one or two instances where someone behaves with the mannerisms of a character from the fictional world, so they decide to themselves act like someone from the sitcom in order to have the correct relationship with said person. This is especially dangerous in romantic relationships. An example would be fans of the show "Scrubs", when the male begins to show the personality traits of Dr. Perry Cox, the female resorts to behaving like Cox's ex-wife/lover Jordan. This further confuses the relationship until the masquerade falls and the couple realizes they hate each other and have ruined their chances of having another healthy relationship of any sort for months.
This syndrome, named an "Office Fixation" due to the high rate of victims being infected by that show, is not just limited to sitcom fans. Fans of the drama series Lost have been known to intentionally book flights on sub-par airlines that fly over deserted islands. Also a recent survey showed that 90 percent of Lost watchers expect their disabled family members to suddenly be mobile again someday. This has lead to a number of our nation's elderly being dumped from their wheelchairs and suffering tremendous amounts of damage to their shins and elbows.
How do you know if you are at risk? Basically anyone that watches any sort of television programming regularly is at risk. Don't think that just because you only watch Ken Burns documentaries and Larry King Live you won't fall into an "Office Fixation". Young children are at risk too, don't let you child believe its normal behavior to drop an anvil on someone's head or that they should wear square shaped pants.

The following are the most common behavioral displays of an "Office Fixation" in each age group:

Birth to two years: Seeing another toddler and calling "Boooobaaaaaah" followed by an awkward shaking of the tush.

2-10 years: The exclamation to all masked members of society, "Swiper No Swiping!"

10-14 years: Attempting to play your nose like a flute, wearing suspenders, and answering the question "Are you ready?" with a yell of "Aye Aye Captain!"

15-18 years: Singing Imogene Heap's "Hide and Seek" whenever dramatic moments happen in their life.

18-24 years: Laughing in a high-pitched, nasal voice, talking to dogs, and assuming babies want to take over the world.

24-35 years: Saying "Question" before asking a question and glimpsing directly into a camera 's lens whenever given the opportunity.

35-50 years: Assuming all your neighbors are sleeping around and attempting to join in.

50-65 years: Yelling out price guesses when other people are checking out at the store.

PB '11

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dinosaur of the Week

Ficklesaurus: The ficklesaurus is a strange creature. The ficklesaurus doesn't really have any set characteristics. If you encounter a ficklesaurus on campus, let it work itself into a flustered state of indecision, then make your escape. By no terms attempt to help the ficklesaurus make a decision. Try to avoid any ficklesaurus when making sales pitches. Also try to avoid getting in line behind them for events such as ordering meals or voting. Also avoid dating the ficklesaurus as it will only lead to your confusion and might result in your own transformation into a ficklesaurus. Remember all these tips as you encounter the ficklesaurus around campus this week.

PB '11

Thursday, November 1, 2007

More from "The Blurb Number#"

These are some general blurbs for different things around campus. Hopefully we will have a PDF version of The Blurb Number# in its entirety available for download by the end of November (knock on wood).

Cafeteria- Making you despise the Freshman 15 even more.

Nursing Majors- What's a social life?

Education Majors- "Awwwwwww Precious!"

Computer Lab Moniters- Excuse me, how dare you interrupt my homework time with these computer problems.

Admissions Office- Hey, you're here, our jobs over, we don't have to talk to you.

CAB- Making Harding bearable for people who like the same things we do.

Young Republicans- You're always a Republican but... you're only young once.

College Democrats- Wait, Harding has Democrats???

Campus Mail- Increasing hand-eye coordination one mailbox at a time.

Student Center- That's right, we're practically promising you diabetes!

PB '11, RH '11

Dinosaur of the Week

Peptrodon: The Peptrodon is a modern dinosaur that can be found across the world in varying degrees. The main trait of the peptrodon is its unfailing joyfulness and excitement, and its desire to spread these feelings with all others. The Peptrodon is easily recognized by its means of transportation, the skip. Even when standing in place the peptrodon hops up and down in place, barely able to contain itself. The peptrodon is a master of body language, which is evolutions way of balancing their lack of a large vocabulary. Often times a peptrodon will approach you and enthusiastically ask "How's it Goin?!?" or "Wassup?!?", sometimes the female persuasion of peptrodon will use the greeting, "Gooood Morning!!" This is true even if the peptrodon has already seen you five minutes ago or just finished speak to a group you were included in. The peptrodon is always concerned for your well being and will attempt to brighten your day with countless unfunny stories that often have no conclusion or purpose. These stories are often followed by a giggle or a ditsy "Isn't that hilarious?" Another way evolution has adapted the peptrodon is their innate sense of others feelings. This has always been an instinct of the Peptrodon, as its primary goal is not to survive or to mate, but to make others happy also. However, the more successful peptrodons have learned to avoid others that have violent tendencies when they are in a bad mood. The peptrodon can often be seen wearing bright colors, rainbows, WWJD bracelets, unicorns, Christian slogan tees, and brightly colored braces/headgear. The peptrodon is quick to give hugs and invade personal space boundries. The peptrodon will laugh at any joke, intended or not. It is also quick to tell its own jokes, which are often cheesy, old, or just out right not funny. This does not discourage the peptrodon. The peptrodon also loves listening to music that was popular once, but never again such as N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, The B-52s, Ally and AJ, Will Smith, Rascal Flatts, and the ever popular Michael Jackson. The peptrodon will often want to quote, sing from, or talk about their favorite cult classic movies such as The Princess Bride, The Breakfast Club, Clueless, Casablanca, Simon Birch, Shazaam, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Aladdin, and their all time favorite, High School Musical. If you run across a peptrodon, try to remain as neutral as possible. If you act happy it will assume it has found a friend and ally. If you act unhappy it will feel obliged to cheer you up. Often times a more tame peptrodon can be a good friend to have at a distance. The tame peptrodon is always willing to do any favor and is never downhearted no matter how much you tease it. All in all, each peptrodon encounter must to some extent judged on its own, as different peptrodons feel different levels of inspiration towards others. Good luck as you encounter different peptrodons around campus this week.

PB '11

Connect the Dots: Harding Conspiracies Revealed

Hundreds of students pass by it everyday. Several university employees work next to or above it and think nothing of it. It has been on campus for as long as any witnesses can remember. What exactly is "it"? It's the cryptic bricked over entrances on either end of the Olen Hendrix building. Yes, you may have briefly glanced at them and thought, "That's odd" or maybe you assumed they lead inside and had been blocked over with the addition of the stairwell outside. If you've been inside the building however, you know that there is no evidence for this. Unfortunately you are missing a crucial truth. The large entryways are reminiscent of a larger importance than the entrance to a building of collegiate classrooms. They are in fact the gateway into a mausoleum unlike any other. Why haven't we connected the dots earlier? Obviously there is a secret way to move past the bricks and enter a wonder filled chamber containing nothing short of the ark of the covenant, the holy grail, the mausoleum of James A Harding himself, and of course the hidden museum of past Spring Sing memorabilia. We have been walking past the most amazing aspect of campus for years. But how do you enter this "chamber of wonders"? Like you would enter any other building, call security. Yes, as homecoming comes up this weekend, I encourage all of you to stand outside of the crypt and call our Public Safety officers and ask them to open the crypt for you. For now, until we know better, the cavern is officially known as the "Chamber of Wonders". Although the officer may claim to have no idea what you are talking about, keep pressing. If you get the chance use force and intimidation to convince them to drop the act and open up. If necessary distract their attention and steal their keys, then go over the keys until we find one that works. Now, not every blow joe public safety officer is going to have a key to the "Chamber of Wonders" so when you call request one of the higher ups, such as Wayne or Craig. If possible pretend to be Dr. Burks when you call, that way they'll be sure to come with the appropriate key for the "Chamber of Wonders". At all costs we must find a way to share this wealth with the rest of the Harding community. So please if you have any information about the "Chamber of Wonders" or wish to help us enter it contact us at And remember, as you go about your business this week keep your eyes peeled and maybe you to can Connect the Dots.

PB '11

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dinosaur of the week

Freshasaurus: This dinosaur insists on using the slang of the early nineties black culture even though they are white and whose only experience with black culture are VH1's Hip Hop Honors and reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The freshasaurus can often be spotted wearing bold, bright colors that only barely refrain from clashing, for example the infamous hang ten shirt of the 90s. Increase in Freshasaurus population has lead to the reintroduction of the hang ten shirt, the striped polo, the trucker hat, and the colored undershirt in large retail stores such as Wal-Mart and Target. The freshasaurus is not limited to this guise by any means. Often the most dangerous sub-species of freshasaurus are the "Preppy Freshasaurus" and the "Skater Freshasaurus" they do not appear to be freshasaurus at first, but once they begin to speak it becomes obvious that they are freshasaurus. The freshasaurus is dangerous once it begins to speak, its use of the words "Dope", "fresh", and "stupid" can cause the painful pulling out of one's hair. It deadly use of the word "da" in place of "the" can lead to a fatal head explosion caused by intense confusion. But, perhaps the most dangerous tool of the Freshasaurus is its ability to stir up nostalgia for the nineties through its behavior, this leads to the temporary transforming of its prey into another freshasaurus. Although the state of freshasaurus is usually temporary to the prey, the damage this does to the preys reputation is the equivalent of leprosy. In rare cases the nostalgic bite can cause permanent transformation of the prey. By all accounts avoid the freshasaurus, but if you must come into contact with a freshasaurus try to do so in large groups, and use these tips to protect yourself: Sing Tom Jones songs, this will remind the freshasaurus of Carlton from Fresh Prince and give you a chance to escape; if the freshasaurus is wearing Hammer pants, pull them over its eyes and run away; start any line from "Ice, Ice, Baby" but don't finish it, the Freshasaurus will be forced to speak the rhyming line, use this opportunity to flee; if all other techniques fail than try to pass yourself off as a freshasaurus by saying you are "kickin' over to the mall to snatch some new adidas" or you need to "catch your homeboys" these are both "legit" reasons you must leave in the mind of the Freshasaurus. So as you go about your business on campus this week, keep an eye out for this modern dinosaur, the Freshasaurus.

PB '11

The Blurb Number#

This is our first "number", and with pledge week coming up we thought we'd dedicate this entry to Harding's Social Clubs. So without further ado Harding Humor gives you... "The Blurb Number#"

Blurbs for Harding's Social Clubs:

Knights: "Everything goes with naked."

Ju Go Ju: "Aren't we adorable, daddy?"

Zeta Rho: "We Heart Harding!"

TNT: "We 'Heart' Harding, too! (Because we heart Zeta Rho)"

Chi Sigma Alpha: "You only love us for our seniors. Hey, remember when Tim Miller made us cool?"

Regina: "Let's talk about our feelings!"

King's Men: "We are too lazy to change our Bible major's club rep."

Gamma Sigma Phi: "Hey, we've got Nate Copeland so we're cool through association!"

Alpha Tau Epsilon: "And we care because..."

Ko Jo Kai: "What's a blurb?"

Titans: "Superiority is compensation."

Theta Psi Kappa: "Our colors are black and not quite as black as the first black, but still undeniably black."

Pi Kappa Epsilon: "We enjoy a good paddling!"

Beta Omega Chi: "Jesus didn't have a sister club."

Sub T-16: "Do you have any idea how long it takes to draw that stupid submarine in the cement?"

PB '11, RH '11, KM '11

Monday, October 8, 2007

Editorial: Manpris vs. Capris for Men

Today I'm turning my attention to one of the up and coming fashion trends on Harding's campus, affectionately known as the manpri. Many of you may have noticed the increased number of gentlemen wearing their pants, typically jeans, with the pantlegs rolled up to the mid/high calf region of their legs. This is the manpri, also known as the "Huck Finn" to some. It is an ingenious way for men to receive the same escape from heat that women do, without breaking Harding's dress code. I myself have been known to pull the manpri on many occasions, even back as far as Junior High. The truth of the matter is that it is comfortable and fashionable.
Now, the wonder that is the manpri goes beyond its cooling powers or stylishness, it is the fact that the manpri isn't an article of clothing that makes it such a marvelous style. The jeans can be worn down during cooler weather, and any pair of jeans can become manpris. It is for this reason that capris for men are such a shameful idea. No, not at all, in no way are manpris and capris for men the same thing. I'm ashamed of you for even thinking such blasphemy. The fact is, no self respecting man would go out of his way to purchase "pants" that is as one dimensional as the capri. Men who own capris cut for men simply have too much money, too feminine taste, or simply have not been enlightened to the existence of the manpri. So I'm proposing a revolution. The Manpri Revolution. I envision a campus full of men bearing their thighs to the breeze. A campus full of men with tan lines just below their knees. I have a dream that every time a pass a gentleman on campus this winter, the knees of his jeans will be slightly wrinkled from being Huck Finned so often during the warmer seasons.
So faculty, staff, naysayers, and capri for men wearing metros, be warned the Manpri Revolution has arrived at Harding University. Rolled up jeans aren't just for rainy days anymore, now they are free to all who seek relief from the pained heat of denim pant legs. Vive Le Manpri!!!!

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief

Friday, September 28, 2007

About Harding Humor

This blog is dedicated to exploring the campus environment of Harding University through a humorous lens with the purpose of "lightening the load" of its students and entertaining its alumni, faculty, staff, and prospective students. The blog also hopes to encourage the formation of a formal humor magazine on campus in the tradition of other prestigious schools. This blog and its purpose also draws itself from a Biblical perspective: Proverbs 17:22a "A cheerful heart is the best medicine..."; also satire is used to keep King David accountable by Nathan in 2 Samuel 12 and by Joab and the Woman of Tekoa in 2 Samuel 14. In the same way we hope that any satire in this blog will be taken in good fun, but any satire has its roots in truth and is meant to make a change for good. In a similar fashion it is requested that all posts and subsequent comments be appropriate for the Christian community which the author and the subject are a part of. This includes respecting the views of others and understanding that hyperbole, stereotype, and parody are necessary tools to the entertainment provided by this blog, do not take things personally.

Disclaimer: This blog is a group of students' personal perspectives. The views cited on this blog, by the authors or any responses by readers, do not reflect the views of Harding University or their faculty/staff.