Friday, November 30, 2007

Dinosaur of the Week

Extinctosaurus: The extinctosaurus no longer exists. You do not need to be wary of its preserved skeletons, fossilized eggs, or its pre-historic footprints. You do not need to know that the extinctosaurus makes its home deep beneath the ground or in tar pits. However, you do need to worry if you encounter an extinctosaurus on campus this week because if you do it is a sign that you are probably either suffering from mental illness or about to become regarded in the scientific world. Note: The extinctosaurus is often confused with the closely related exhibitosaurus found in museums across America. Unlike the exhibitosaurus, the extinctosaurus is completely harmless and rarely wanders close to Universities or other facilities for pursuing higher education.

Also, if you do encounter an extinctosaurus this week, 10 percent of any wealth incurred by the find will be charged to Harding Humor as a informant's fee.

PB '11

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Fellow Americans (sorry to all international students, but you can't vote)....


Harding Humor has so far abstained from entering the realm of politics in any way, shape, or form. This is out of courtesy for the many diverse views students have towards our political system in America.

However a new exciting time is emerging in America and Harding University, through Harding Humor, has been called upon to lead the way in this new front.


Harding Humor is proud to announce the candidacy of Count Von Count, the well known educator, actor, mathematician, counselor, musician, and mediator who makes his residence on Sesame Street.


Yes, the lovable, purple Count IS running for the Presidency of the United States. One Word: Legit.

Count Von Count, known to close friends and business partners as "The Count", is not running a traditional race for the Presidency. Using a personal, down-home, approach to the campaign trail Count Von Count is using a radical new campaign plan called the "Write In Revolution". He is seeking to gain a more intimate relationship with the American public and he feels that the best way to judge his success is by denying himself any name recognition at the polls and requesting his supporters write his name on the ballots. If he succeeds he will become the first president in US history elected without a major party, elected solely by write in votes, and the first of his muppet/vampire minorities to be elected (a huge step forward for both minorities).

Now you may be raising some questions about Count Von Count's qualifications for president. These can be dispelled quickly. Count Von Count is 35 years old, he turned 35 on November 1st this year. Count Von Count is a third generation American, his grandparents immigrated from Transylvania during the Industrial Revolution. While The Count may lack experience in public office he does not lack the experience working with others and representing others best interests. For example on April 26, 1973 The Count was able to work through differences with fellow educator Cookie Monster in able to teach children to count using cookies. Can the Count handle the fiscal responsibilities of being President? If the counts name doesn't speak to that perhaps his arithmomania will answer. The Count keeps close tabs on his own finances, as shown on bank security films from November 12, 1974. Despite his title the Count knows the working mans needs. He has worked as an educator and actor for 35 years now and has done brief stints as a musician. For a short period in 1993 Count Von Count worked as an elevator operator.

I believe Count Von Count's track record will show that he is the best man to sit in the Oval Office for the next four years. So join the Write In Revolution and vote for Count Von Count for President of the United States in 2008!

PB '11, RH '11, AJ '11

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Mental Health Report by Dr. Mel Arthur

Recently psychologists have made a startling discovery concerning how the average American approaches relationships. Top researchers contend that most Americans are so consumed by their favorite television shows that they adapt their everyday interactions to resemble these shows. The most prominent example of this would be fans of NBC's hit sitcom "The Office". Often they see one or two instances where someone behaves with the mannerisms of a character from the fictional world, so they decide to themselves act like someone from the sitcom in order to have the correct relationship with said person. This is especially dangerous in romantic relationships. An example would be fans of the show "Scrubs", when the male begins to show the personality traits of Dr. Perry Cox, the female resorts to behaving like Cox's ex-wife/lover Jordan. This further confuses the relationship until the masquerade falls and the couple realizes they hate each other and have ruined their chances of having another healthy relationship of any sort for months.
This syndrome, named an "Office Fixation" due to the high rate of victims being infected by that show, is not just limited to sitcom fans. Fans of the drama series Lost have been known to intentionally book flights on sub-par airlines that fly over deserted islands. Also a recent survey showed that 90 percent of Lost watchers expect their disabled family members to suddenly be mobile again someday. This has lead to a number of our nation's elderly being dumped from their wheelchairs and suffering tremendous amounts of damage to their shins and elbows.
How do you know if you are at risk? Basically anyone that watches any sort of television programming regularly is at risk. Don't think that just because you only watch Ken Burns documentaries and Larry King Live you won't fall into an "Office Fixation". Young children are at risk too, don't let you child believe its normal behavior to drop an anvil on someone's head or that they should wear square shaped pants.

The following are the most common behavioral displays of an "Office Fixation" in each age group:

Birth to two years: Seeing another toddler and calling "Boooobaaaaaah" followed by an awkward shaking of the tush.

2-10 years: The exclamation to all masked members of society, "Swiper No Swiping!"


10-14 years: Attempting to play your nose like a flute, wearing suspenders, and answering the question "Are you ready?" with a yell of "Aye Aye Captain!"

15-18 years: Singing Imogene Heap's "Hide and Seek" whenever dramatic moments happen in their life.

18-24 years: Laughing in a high-pitched, nasal voice, talking to dogs, and assuming babies want to take over the world.

24-35 years: Saying "Question" before asking a question and glimpsing directly into a camera 's lens whenever given the opportunity.

35-50 years: Assuming all your neighbors are sleeping around and attempting to join in.

50-65 years: Yelling out price guesses when other people are checking out at the store.

PB '11

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dinosaur of the Week

Ficklesaurus: The ficklesaurus is a strange creature. The ficklesaurus doesn't really have any set characteristics. If you encounter a ficklesaurus on campus, let it work itself into a flustered state of indecision, then make your escape. By no terms attempt to help the ficklesaurus make a decision. Try to avoid any ficklesaurus when making sales pitches. Also try to avoid getting in line behind them for events such as ordering meals or voting. Also avoid dating the ficklesaurus as it will only lead to your confusion and might result in your own transformation into a ficklesaurus. Remember all these tips as you encounter the ficklesaurus around campus this week.

PB '11

Thursday, November 1, 2007

More from "The Blurb Number#"

These are some general blurbs for different things around campus. Hopefully we will have a PDF version of The Blurb Number# in its entirety available for download by the end of November (knock on wood).
Enjoy!

Cafeteria- Making you despise the Freshman 15 even more.

Nursing Majors- What's a social life?

Education Majors- "Awwwwwww Precious!"

Computer Lab Moniters- Excuse me, how dare you interrupt my homework time with these computer problems.

Admissions Office- Hey, you're here, our jobs over, we don't have to talk to you.

CAB- Making Harding bearable for people who like the same things we do.

Young Republicans- You're always a Republican but... you're only young once.

College Democrats- Wait, Harding has Democrats???

Campus Mail- Increasing hand-eye coordination one mailbox at a time.

Student Center- That's right, we're practically promising you diabetes!

PB '11, RH '11

Dinosaur of the Week

Peptrodon: The Peptrodon is a modern dinosaur that can be found across the world in varying degrees. The main trait of the peptrodon is its unfailing joyfulness and excitement, and its desire to spread these feelings with all others. The Peptrodon is easily recognized by its means of transportation, the skip. Even when standing in place the peptrodon hops up and down in place, barely able to contain itself. The peptrodon is a master of body language, which is evolutions way of balancing their lack of a large vocabulary. Often times a peptrodon will approach you and enthusiastically ask "How's it Goin?!?" or "Wassup?!?", sometimes the female persuasion of peptrodon will use the greeting, "Gooood Morning!!" This is true even if the peptrodon has already seen you five minutes ago or just finished speak to a group you were included in. The peptrodon is always concerned for your well being and will attempt to brighten your day with countless unfunny stories that often have no conclusion or purpose. These stories are often followed by a giggle or a ditsy "Isn't that hilarious?" Another way evolution has adapted the peptrodon is their innate sense of others feelings. This has always been an instinct of the Peptrodon, as its primary goal is not to survive or to mate, but to make others happy also. However, the more successful peptrodons have learned to avoid others that have violent tendencies when they are in a bad mood. The peptrodon can often be seen wearing bright colors, rainbows, WWJD bracelets, unicorns, Christian slogan tees, and brightly colored braces/headgear. The peptrodon is quick to give hugs and invade personal space boundries. The peptrodon will laugh at any joke, intended or not. It is also quick to tell its own jokes, which are often cheesy, old, or just out right not funny. This does not discourage the peptrodon. The peptrodon also loves listening to music that was popular once, but never again such as N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, The B-52s, Ally and AJ, Will Smith, Rascal Flatts, and the ever popular Michael Jackson. The peptrodon will often want to quote, sing from, or talk about their favorite cult classic movies such as The Princess Bride, The Breakfast Club, Clueless, Casablanca, Simon Birch, Shazaam, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Aladdin, and their all time favorite, High School Musical. If you run across a peptrodon, try to remain as neutral as possible. If you act happy it will assume it has found a friend and ally. If you act unhappy it will feel obliged to cheer you up. Often times a more tame peptrodon can be a good friend to have at a distance. The tame peptrodon is always willing to do any favor and is never downhearted no matter how much you tease it. All in all, each peptrodon encounter must to some extent judged on its own, as different peptrodons feel different levels of inspiration towards others. Good luck as you encounter different peptrodons around campus this week.

PB '11

Connect the Dots: Harding Conspiracies Revealed

Hundreds of students pass by it everyday. Several university employees work next to or above it and think nothing of it. It has been on campus for as long as any witnesses can remember. What exactly is "it"? It's the cryptic bricked over entrances on either end of the Olen Hendrix building. Yes, you may have briefly glanced at them and thought, "That's odd" or maybe you assumed they lead inside and had been blocked over with the addition of the stairwell outside. If you've been inside the building however, you know that there is no evidence for this. Unfortunately you are missing a crucial truth. The large entryways are reminiscent of a larger importance than the entrance to a building of collegiate classrooms. They are in fact the gateway into a mausoleum unlike any other. Why haven't we connected the dots earlier? Obviously there is a secret way to move past the bricks and enter a wonder filled chamber containing nothing short of the ark of the covenant, the holy grail, the mausoleum of James A Harding himself, and of course the hidden museum of past Spring Sing memorabilia. We have been walking past the most amazing aspect of campus for years. But how do you enter this "chamber of wonders"? Like you would enter any other building, call security. Yes, as homecoming comes up this weekend, I encourage all of you to stand outside of the crypt and call our Public Safety officers and ask them to open the crypt for you. For now, until we know better, the cavern is officially known as the "Chamber of Wonders". Although the officer may claim to have no idea what you are talking about, keep pressing. If you get the chance use force and intimidation to convince them to drop the act and open up. If necessary distract their attention and steal their keys, then go over the keys until we find one that works. Now, not every blow joe public safety officer is going to have a key to the "Chamber of Wonders" so when you call request one of the higher ups, such as Wayne or Craig. If possible pretend to be Dr. Burks when you call, that way they'll be sure to come with the appropriate key for the "Chamber of Wonders". At all costs we must find a way to share this wealth with the rest of the Harding community. So please if you have any information about the "Chamber of Wonders" or wish to help us enter it contact us at hardinghumor@gmail.com. And remember, as you go about your business this week keep your eyes peeled and maybe you to can Connect the Dots.

PB '11