Friday, April 25, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If life is a calculus problem, the sky is the limit.

RH '11

Friday, April 11, 2008

Corporate Transparency: Harding Humor Style

So over the last few months Harding Humor has not been posting that actively. And the material posted has been moderate at best. Perhaps deserving of a chuckle or two, but no guffaws. This is all true. However, in our defense, here is some of the material we rejected over the past months as well. Quality or quantity? Take your pick.

And the losers are:

If life were Captain Planet, you'd be the Power of Heart.

Although not recognized by the public, many words are actually onomatopoeias. Examples: Dropkick (if you stutter, this has the effect of a running dropkick as opposed to a standing dropkick), Scratch, Poop, Slap, Cleave, Whisper, and Snort.

If Doctor Burks and The Pope had an "altercation" it would probably be a lot like when Yoda fought the Emperor in Star Wars Ep. III: Revenge of the Sith only our lightening would be holier than theirs.

Illegal immigration and social security can each be solved by simply shipping off all of our old people to Mexico and giving the immigrants the old people's social security numbers.

Every time we touch I feel the static, but that's the price you pay for dating a Van De Graaff

If I could retell any classic novel, I would write "The Scarlet Hood Ornament" about Optimus Prynne committing adultery with Roger Chillingsworth resulting in exile and shame from the conservative Autobot community.

Contrary to a popular campus rumor, Torrence "Tank" Daniels did NOT put the "Tank" in "Thomas the Tank Engine".

Who has more movie cameo appearances Alfred Hitchcock or Statue of Liberty? I don't know ask Kevin Bacon, he's the one that's "degreed" with everyone.

Silly rabbit! Crack cocaine is illegal!

PB '11

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Nemesis Song for Lazy People

Apparently some of our readers skip over any long articles. If so this is for you. A few posts back we ran an article on songs that you hate requesting readers to post their hated songs in all genres as comments. If you didn't read that article, you can post your list without reading the article here. Thanks. We always try and accommodate our underachievers at Harding Humor.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If we call everyone who is excessive in adding Facebook friends a "facebook whore" than what will we call the actual whores on facebook? You can't just steal someone's job title to insult someone that you weren't mean enough to reject.

PB '11

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Last February US Government officials announced that they planned to shoot down a malfunctioning US Spy Satellite. This announcement was quickly executed to protect the public from possible exposure to the satellites toxic fuel and met with opposition from the Chinese and Russian governments. At Harding Humor we would love to enlighten you as to the real design of this missile launch and its opposition. The US Government did in fact destroy the satellite they targeted on their first attempt. This "spy satellite" contained a toxic fuel with which it maneuvered once in space and this fuel risked being leaked and harming the public. This is perhaps the lamest lie the government has ever fed us. At Harding Humor we know that the "satellite" targeted was Dino-1, the interstellar shuttle that the dinosaur remnant uses to keep contact with Earth. When the dinosaurs left this planet many years ago, they remained in contact with Earth and protect our solar system from intergalactic threats. However, after recent political actions amongst the dinosaurs, they decided to move their primary contact with Earth from the USA to France. This infuriated the American government and they sought revenge on the Dinosaurs. France planted dissent amongst the Russian and Chinese governments so that they could oppose the upcoming missle launch. We at Harding Humor have very close relations with the dinosaurs, featuring their many different species that still visit our planet weekly last semester. Also, my namesake was responsible for the book chronicling their history, entitled, "What Happened To Patrick's Dinosaur's". The resulting scenario unfolded: The dinosaurs sent a decoy satellite to establish contact with France. This was shot down by the US. The Dinosaurs were offended and decided to choose an apolitical emissary to Earth and approached Harding Humor. We are now the official emissaries of the Dinosaur Republic to Earth. Now we know that the government is still sore at us for our exposure of their android program, but this was not our choice, the Dinosaurs approached us.
Here are some evidence of our story for you doubters. Compare the legendary Patrick's drawings of the dinosaurs spacecraft to that shot down in the video on Fox News. And one question from the dinosaurs to Mr. Centanni of Fox News: If the debris lands in the ocean why do you call it "landing" instead of "watering"? For those already convinced, we'll do our best to keep you in touch with the dinosaurs protecting our civilization.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Great Nemesis Song Experiment

Throughout the years there have been many different genres of music that I have listened to avidly. None implicitly better than the others, merely different. Despite all the musical, stylistic, and cultural diversity, all genres have one thing in common. Yes, be it hip-hop, country, techno, bluegrass, or jazz every genre has at the very least one song that is just TERRIBLE. One song that makes your stomach churn and brings headaches while simultaneously generating enough hate to fuel a small storm of Dark Side Electricity (yes I just referenced Star Wars, but that's an entirely different rant). Some of these songs have even the audacity to lodge themselves somewhere in your subconscious and hide within the folds of your memory, an ostentatious soundtrack to the rest of your sub-par, tired day. You start to taste bile in the back of your throat only to realize you have been subtly singing the very song you despise, spreading the disease to those around you. Sometimes these songs forgo the subtlety of infiltration and in brazen effrontery come from every speaker in your vicinity. These songs have gone on with a certain timelessness that allows them to infect many generations beyond their targets of origin. These songs are your nemeses. They are the enemies of your sanity, undermining the greater efforts of humanity from the moment of their conception. Everyone has certain songs that elicit these emotions, and these are your nemesis songs. You are cringing right now at the very thought of these songs, trying not to actually think of them for fear that they will torment you again. It is this very reaction that is allowing the nemesis song to exist. It is time that society takes a stand against these songs. That is why I'm proposing that we attempt to compile a list of everyone's nemesis songs so that we can combat them. Until we know which songs are the worst offenders we cannot know how stiff to make the punishment. So please join the battle against nemesis songs and stick it to these travesties of sound. If you are so compelled post your nemesis songs below so that Harding Humor can lead the battle with an exhaustive list of all the world's nemesis songs. Don't give up hope! Remember, as long as karma can find its way back to MC Hammer than there is hope for the musical world.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Of Mice and Men '08

This is a response the post on Hobson's Buffet about Randy Newman's Faust. The question was: If given the chance which classic story would you retell and with which outrageous cast?

Of Mice and Men 'O8
Matt Damon as Lenny
Bill Murray as George
Will Smith as Crooks
Peter O'Toole as Candy
Miley Cyrus as Candy's papergirl
Samuel L. Jackson as Carlson
Janeane Garofalo as Curly
Amanda Peet as Curly's life partner
Adrien Brody as Slim

In this modern retelling of Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" the story is retold through a dark situational comedy involving people of questionable professions and morality who all share rooms in a large old house in San Fransisco. Lenny and George are two dockworkers who move to San Fransisco after losing their jobs on the Sacramento side of the Bay due to George's manic-depressive disorder. They move into a house, owned by lesbian rights activist Curly and her bi-sexual life partner, a librarian. The rooms in the house are rented out to various blue collar workers who are all at odds with law enforcement in different ways. There is Crooks, a former actor, who now acts like a hunchbacked homeless man everyday to make his "wages". There is Candy, a illegal British immigrant who moved to Haight/Ashbury during the sixties and is now a street musician. There is Carlson, a bouncer at a night club with gang connections. And there is Slim spin master and Public Relations Practitioner trying to open his own firm after returning from the Peace Corp.

Dark enough?
Now imagine that all dialoge is yodeled in German and the entire movie is subtitled. Also imagine that instead of Carlson shooting Candy's dog (as in the original), Carlson shoots the papergirl who also smuggles Candy his LSD everyday (Played by Miley Cyrus. Yes, I just killed Hannah Montana.) Imagine that Janeane Garofalo is stereotyped as a lesbian for the rest of her career (nothing new is under the sun). Overall I think this has the potential to be a hilarious remake and that is should be picked up by a film maker, pronto. To the guys at Hobson's Buffet, thanks for letting me play around with your posts. To anyone who read this. Really? You should have stopped a long time ago.