Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus
Last February US Government officials announced that they planned to shoot down a malfunctioning US Spy Satellite. This announcement was quickly executed to protect the public from possible exposure to the satellites toxic fuel and met with opposition from the Chinese and Russian governments. At Harding Humor we would love to enlighten you as to the real design of this missile launch and its opposition. The US Government did in fact destroy the satellite they targeted on their first attempt. This "spy satellite" contained a toxic fuel with which it maneuvered once in space and this fuel risked being leaked and harming the public. This is perhaps the lamest lie the government has ever fed us. At Harding Humor we know that the "satellite" targeted was Dino-1, the interstellar shuttle that the dinosaur remnant uses to keep contact with Earth. When the dinosaurs left this planet many years ago, they remained in contact with Earth and protect our solar system from intergalactic threats. However, after recent political actions amongst the dinosaurs, they decided to move their primary contact with Earth from the USA to France. This infuriated the American government and they sought revenge on the Dinosaurs. France planted dissent amongst the Russian and Chinese governments so that they could oppose the upcoming missle launch. We at Harding Humor have very close relations with the dinosaurs, featuring their many different species that still visit our planet weekly last semester. Also, my namesake was responsible for the book chronicling their history, entitled, "What Happened To Patrick's Dinosaur's". The resulting scenario unfolded: The dinosaurs sent a decoy satellite to establish contact with France. This was shot down by the US. The Dinosaurs were offended and decided to choose an apolitical emissary to Earth and approached Harding Humor. We are now the official emissaries of the Dinosaur Republic to Earth. Now we know that the government is still sore at us for our exposure of their android program, but this was not our choice, the Dinosaurs approached us.
Here are some evidence of our story for you doubters. Compare the legendary Patrick's drawings of the dinosaurs spacecraft to that shot down in the video on Fox News. And one question from the dinosaurs to Mr. Centanni of Fox News: If the debris lands in the ocean why do you call it "landing" instead of "watering"? For those already convinced, we'll do our best to keep you in touch with the dinosaurs protecting our civilization.
Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire