Monday, October 10, 2011
A drunken Chris walks into the throne room of Philip (KP) and Isabella (QI) with a pony
CC: "Your Highnesses! Don't think you can get rid of me this easily. I will keep after you til you send me on a westward route to Asia!"
KP: "Chris I don't know what you're talking about, we've told you we'll give you the money at the beginning of the next fiscal year."
CC: "Don't know what I'm talking about! That's rich! You're just getting richer by the day, with nothing to spare for your old explorer buddy."
QI: "Enough nonsense! Why do you have that thing in my palace? I just had the floors done."
CC: "I just found this thing in my bed! Think I wouldn't notice a small horse in my bed? Well its my little horse now and there's nothing you ninnies can do about it!"
KP: (aside to his guard) "I told you to put a severed horse head in his bed. As a threat."
Guard: "I thought you said to put a stunted horse kid in his bed. For laughs."
KP: "Look you can keep the little horsey, its our gift to you to show you we're still thinking of you."
CC: "Oh I'm keeping it. I'm naming it Pony and painting it pretty pastel colors. And feeding it skittles so it poops rainbows. YOU HEAR ME THIS IS MY LITTLE PONY!"
KP: "What are skittles?"
QI: "Fine, but know this is the last of your demands we will put up with."
CC: "Oh you say that now, but once I'm in explorer mode I'll be famous and you'll give me what I want, like a talking backpack and map that shows up when I call for it. And I'll be allowed to ask the invisible people for help whenever I want. Cause that's what it means to be AN EXPLORA oh good SENORA!"
QI: "That doesn't really rhyme."
KP: "What's a backpack?"
CC: "C'mon My Little Pony let's go show these ingrates the magic of friendship. I'll let you come on the exploration with me." (to Philip and Isabella) "Peace!"
Columbus exits hastily with his small horse. Isabella and Philip sigh in relief.
KP: "Thank god that man doesn't have children they'd be frightened to death of the things of which he speaks."
QI: "I need to go puke now."
- Mysterious coinage with an all seeing eye and pyramid on it.
- "Barber of Seville" costumer reward punch card, punched to completion for one free shave and blood letting.
- Half eaten "Disease-On-A-Stick"
- 45 vinyl single of Sublime's "Wrong Way"
- Carnival Cruise tickets to St. Bart's
- Kenneth Grahame's "The Wind and the Willows"
- "Cootie Catcher" folded paper divination toy with various cat paw marking on the inside.
In the meanwhile here are some facts related to our beloved Christopher Columbus, delivered in tried and true HH formats (mainly lists):
Columbus's real name was Bob Hope and he struck his fame and fortune while attempting to film his first special, "Undiscovered Route to India".
Like any good sailor Columbus had several tattoos. They are as follows:
- A tattoo of Queen Isabella purging her dinner, the blackmail that got him his funding as well as the inspiration for the band Thin Lizzy's name.
- A map of the Vatican. Knowing he was directionally challenged but deeply religious, he got this tattoo to ensure he never stumbled into the Pope's personal chamberpot emporium.
- The face of his beloved kitty cat Nostrada-puss who spoke to Columbus regularly and dictated his day-to-day activities telepathically.
- "Thug Life" across his diaphragm.
The Knights of Columbus where originally a group of venture capitalists out to corner the aglet market, but as they were all devout Catholics they couldn't keep the monopoly together. They attempted to venture into unknown realms taking their name after the explorer who ventured into the unknown, However like their namesake they became lost and confused in the process and ended up becoming a Catholic fraternal service order.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
By Popular Demand here it is:
A Woman's Place In God's Kingdom
While I have no idea where a woman's place in God's kingdom is I do know where they don't belong in the church building: the men's restroom. This ought to be fairly obvious. After all the sign does clearly designate a trouser-clad figure; this obviously can't be a woman since women always wear dresses to church. But sometimes when in the restroom at church I cringe in fear that women might burst in at any moment. This is simply not acceptable. No one should excrete in fear at a building filled with Christian people.
Why would women seek to infringe on our rightful place? This has been a slow evolution over many years and with many reasons. To begin with the women's restroom has become more than simply a place to relieve one's self. It is easy to see that when a room like that looses its function it is natural to move toward another room that has retained its original purpose. Such Restorationist sentiments could only lead women to run to the men's bathroom as it is “A bathroom only”. However they forget that the men's church of Christ restrooms are “not the only bathrooms”.
With its second entrance from the nursery and its changing tables the women's restroom has become a place where women go for many reasons. Why do women need an entrance to their restroom from the nursery? Because an entire church service with children can wear on one's nerves. Even the most grizzled mother needs to get out of the trenches for a short break every once and a while. Thus women have twisted many a church architect into including a “back door” to their restroom. It is only the slanderous nature of women for this to devolve into an area of gossip and gathering during worship. Women who wish to escape this downward spiral will eventually be able to hold their bladders no longer and look for another place to bodily function.
Another reason women seek to enter the men's restroom is to make men sin. Sin entered the world through Eve and women have been repeating her gullible ways ever since. Women do not realize that by entering the men's restroom they are sinning and possible causing men to sin. They have been confused by years of having little boys in their bathroom accompanied by mothers. Just as the serpent slowly desensitized Eve to the fruit he has blurred their sight when it comes to distinguishing the role of gender in restrooms. They easily forget that men use urinals and are easily startled by women in this position. They seems to assume that since they will be using a stall they will not be causing any harm. Some women think that since fathers can take daughters into the men's restroom, doing so will restore their youth. This vanity is a dangerous foe to both the women afflicted and the men who suffer its stall-knocking consequences. Perhaps some women make the mistake of assuming that there will be more toilet paper in the men's restroom. This is simply not true. While women overflow their own restroom devouring their own resources, we men know that we use less and opt to save trees, like good stewards of God's earth and have less toilet paper to begin with.
All of these reasons support my beliefs, rooted in deep femme-phobia, that women do not belong in the men's restrooms of churches of Christ throughout God's kingdom.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
So we've all heard the rumors and whispers around campus...Dr. Burks will retire soon but who will be his replacement? Understanding the stressful financial times besetting America we here at HH will give our humble advice on who we think should replace Dr. Burks and why they would be a quality by based on cost efficiency. So we begin a new article series "president on a shoestring".
First options: The Davids
This idea is simple all of these candidates have already saved us money in hiring due to the fact that they share Dr. Burks's first name (this way we don't have to change the towels).
1) Davey from the Davey and Goliath shorts
Davey has long been known as a part of American pop culture. His claymation TV series has been integrating faith, life, and learning since the 60s. Davey comes with several economic advantages. First he has an immense recruiting appeal. Secondly, he is clay, thus he doesn't need sustenance or amenities of any kind. Lastly, he is independently wealthy and thus may take the job for a very low salary, unless that pesky dog is around ("I'm going to take the harding job for free!" "I don't know Daveeeey!")
2) David Blaine/David Copperfield
These two magicians could make an excellent tag team for the office of university president. Aside from the name saving they also have great financial perks. They can both use magic to travel, cutting transportation costs. They can make students disappear and reappear during the nights, eliminating the need for dorms. They can also both perform "miracles" live on TV16! Suck on that televangelists!
The Hoff comes with several perks as well. If Hasselhoff were to take the president position he would presumably bring KITT, eliminating transportation needs and Nate Copeland's position (sorry nate, but the economy calls for downsizing, your job has been automated by a talking car). Due to his experience on America's Got Talent, we would never need another judge for the CAB talent show. Also he would give us a competitive edge against Pepperdine: yeah you may see Pam Anderson every once in awhile in Malibu, but we MAKE you look at the Hoff every day in chapel....okay so maybe there is a downside.
4) David Beckham
I can sum up his contribution in two words: Posh Spice
5) Gen. David Petraeus
Upsides: most awesome Public Safety ever, built in ASI connections, and he won't let radical students burn Koran's
Downsides: would have to wear padded shoulder suitcoats to meet his maximum sex appeal potential
That sums up our David options, other shoestring options for the office of harding's president to come later.
This summer Glenn Dillard spent the time he wasn't calling you or filling your mailbox in Finland, doubling as Jyrki Katainen. While doubling as the Finnish finance minister and leading EU figure, Dillard approved extra bailout money for Greece in order to save the EU and ensure that he can still lure students to campus with the HUG program. We'll next time you lead a double life Glenn, know that Harding Humor is watching you. Caught Ya!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
-The idea that riding a long board to class is in any way more efficient than just walking... or maybe just the idea that you don't look like a tool doing it.
-Sidewalk chalk is a valid form of advertising-from which you can expect results. (ex. "i'm really excited about souvenirs tonight, there should be a lot of new people after that intense sidewalk chalk campaign" followed by this reaction at the meeting "oh, its just more of the same kind of people that always come")
-Awkward = Indie (?)
-The people waiting outside of a locked classroom can be ignored by other professors with keys. (thank you bible faculty for changing this habit)
-Its okay to look exasperated when choosing to check your mail during the post chapel onslaught.
-Casual Frisbee tossing can only be performed in areas easily viewed by all students.
-The idea that whoever you are currently talking to knows everyone you know, even though that isn't mutual.
-Shoes are optional in public places (for the record I definitely saw Dr. Hopper take off his Union Jack socks and walk around/leave Midnight Oil barefoot... really? you should know better)
-Last but not least, everything can be explained with a circle graph.