Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Patrick's Journal


This Semester HH will be farming articles out to my past self in a section called Patrick's Journal. I will be posting articles from my several years of required journal writing through my secondary school years. These articles show my contempt for the journal curriculum and some juvenile wit. Enjoy!

If I could be any cartoon character who would I choose?

This is easily the most ridiculous journal prompt so far this semester. The answer for everyone should hands-down be Mickey Mouse. Why you ask? Two words: Buttoned Boxers. Mickey Mouse has been traipsing around on the silver screen and other media since 1928 and no one has objected. I can't even enter a Waffle House in nothing but my boxers (and of course proper footwear and gloves). Seriously, I doubt that me being in my boxers would degrade the sanitary environment of Waffle House, in fact my bare skin would probably absorb some of the toxins and make the place healthier. However, this is apparently not socially acceptable. So how does Mickey get away with it. He has brilliantly legitimized the "just boxers" look by placing large white buttons on the front of them. Now, some would disagree with this. I have heard the arguments. Primarily that Mickey is in fact wearing overall shorts or suspenders and the bands match his fur coloring. Suspenders are right out. Suspenders are directly attached to the buttons, thus we would see a small strip of black from those buttons rising to the mouse's torso. The idea of overalls is dismissible on similar logic. However, on another, more important plane of thought, the question must be answered that if Mickey is wearing overall shorts why isn't he wearing a shirt. It is known worldwide that wearing overalls without shorts is rural at best and redneck in all reality. MICKEY MOUSE IS NOT A HICK!!! Thus the functionality of this buttons have been ruled out as part of a support device. Perhaps they work as a seal for a flap, such as for a reverse union suit? That may be....not. That is even sillier than suspenders. Why would Mickey wear union shorts that do not cover the rest of his body? He wouldn't. No, Mickey simply enjoys the finer points of life, which if you are male is running around in just your underwear. All men do it at some point and thoroughly enjoy it. Mickey has simply made this practice acceptable in proper company by placing large decorative buttons on the front of his boxers. So for all of us men. Rock on Mickey. Stick it to the man (or woman since a man would never invent such a silly code of conduct). As for the rest of us, myself included, we can only dream about being Mickey for a day. This is why I would be Mickey Mouse if I could be any cartoon character for a day.

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