Thursday, February 28, 2008

Harding Humor's Android Control Programming Guide

Due to encounters with androids on campus, encounters meaning Ryan and I being stalked by androids, I have developed this handy guide to programming your own androids.

Code 1:


If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to read the rest of these codes and return periodically for more programming updates. That's right you've been tricked. I have no androids of my own, but by spying on me you have infected your own programming and are now under my control every day from 4:12 PM until 5:59 PM. Ha! Retaliate that!

Code 2:


If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to pour chocolate sauce on every Harding logo you see. (Sorry ServiceMaster but the androids have forced me to turn the tabe's and start using them as a guerrilla force of mild annoyance until they are reprogrammed to stop stalking me.)

Code 3:


If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to go to chapel everyday and not use any of your skips. If you are not an android know that I would never wish this travesty on you, although I do find it suspicious that you are still reading this without compulsion programming.

Code 4:


If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to turn to a game show when your career washes up in 20 years.

Code 5:


This is the simplest code of all. If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to vote for David Manes of Political Cartel for a political blogging scholarship by clicking on the following link.


If you are not an android, I don't want to force you to vote, but might I persuade you to support a fellow Harding student, so that we might gain some national respect. I'd like that, then we would be picking on someone our own size. Check it out and decide for yourself. Besides, Mr. Manes can't pay me kickbacks to not make fun of him if he's all paying for school and stuff ( just kidding) (for now anyways).

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Harding Humor

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Having work that is in some way published or publicized be referred to as "liberal garbage" at Harding, ensures people care what you have to say. Being referred to as "hilarious" or "pretty funny" or "kinda funny sometimes" or "sounds good I should read sometime before the semester is over" or "dead" (Andrew, you are still not atoned) ensures the android problem is a lot worse than Ryan or I first suspected.

PB '11

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Contents of a Dead Man's Pockets

Tupac Shakur (inspired by today's chapel):
-Thousands of Dollars in cash held together by a rubber band
-A Blue bandana
-A card that says: "If found please notify Dr. John Moon Jr. of Harding University."
-A complete book of the lyrics of Bob Dylan
-The Harper Collins Pocket Classic Edition of Alex Hailey's Roots
-A picture of his mother
-Dame Juli Andrew's cell phone number scribbled on a restaurant napkin
-Photo ID
-Pocket Lent

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

B. Chris Simpson is probably the only black man to mention the Black Panthers, "Power", and the East/West hip-hop rivalry in a public forum at Harding, and more than likely he doesn't realize the people chuckling in chapel this morning were actually just laughing at the thought that B. Chris told everyone Tupac Shakur was actually dead. Everyone knows he lives with Dr. Moon in the Pryor Science Building right here on campus.

PB '11

Monday, February 25, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If you can excuse a persons actions by saying "They're not a morning person" than I would like to contend that Hitler "was not a 40's person". Yeah, you just read sarcasm. Congrats.

PB '11

Friday, February 22, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Dora the Explorer would make a great politician because everyday she pauses to pretend like she cares how people are going to answer her questions before she moves on with her agenda.

PB '11

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Broccoli each day keeps your bowels at bay.

RH '11

Friday, February 15, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

The author of "The Game" has never met Zach Fetterman.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

Why Armstrong Hall has the fire alarm go off sooooo many times:

-It's highly flammable
-Men can't cook
-Man funk smells like smoke
-That's not the fire alarm that's the doorbell
-Everytime a smoke detector beeps an angel gets its wings
-Fire alarms sensitive to fire ants
-Bison Days students are ridiculous and shouldn't be allowed to come to Harding
-The fire department thinks seeing at least one student mostly naked (without fail) is funny
-Our fire alarms are intercepting intergalactic messages
-Mrs. Lemmons' death stare can burn through souls

PB '11

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

This is our heritage: When Men wear ridiculously tight pants, hilarity ensues; thus trousers begot comedy and comedy begot drag-queens and drag-queens begot manpris and manpris begot Harding Humor, so using the transitive property trousers begot Harding Humor.

PB '11

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Only one letter keeps rape from being nosy instead of noisy.

PB '11

Friday, February 8, 2008

Educated Guesses

Educated guesses to questions asked this week.

What Students Do While Waiting For the Attendance Sign-In So They Can Then Sneak Out Of Dr. Moon's Biology Class:
-Play Solitare
-Shop on Ebay
-Pine for the Rockies
-Watch latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if they missed anything
-Abandon their shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon Does After Everyone Leaves His Class:
-Plays Solitare
-Shops on Ebay
-Pines for the Rockies
-Plays Bingo with the periodic table
-Produces Tupac's next "posthumous" release
-Composes polyphonic ringtones
-Coordinates NATO troops through telepathic communication
-Watches latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if he missed anything
-Runs home for abandoned shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon keeps in the cabinets of Pryor 123:
-Chemical samples
-Dissected animals
-Bingo chips
-Cerebro Brain Wave Enhancer
-Abandoned shoulder angels
-Tupac Shakur

PB '11

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Google Poll

Today Harding Humor is creating (in the sense that we're claiming it even though you may have done it before) a new type of Public Poll, the Google Poll. This is where a topic is entered into the Google search engine and the results of the first page are read and the results of how many positive and negative pages are posted.
Today we searched many topics of prestige: salad and David Barton. These are the results:

5- positive pages
5- neutral pages
0- negative pages
0- irrelevant pages
Looks like the Webizens of the world love salad, or at least they don't hate it!

David Barton:
3- neutral pages
1- irrelevant page (an ad for a gym)
2- positive pages
4- negative pages
Overall, looks like David Barton loses public support in the digital world

Pseudo-Disclaimer: To anyone who would love to pull us down, specifically the writer of this piece, with petty arguments of bias know that this does not have a partisan slant at all since salad has aligned itself with Mike Huckabee and the Republican party since Huck first ran for governor of Arkansas.

PB '11, RH '11, Google

Monday, February 4, 2008

Connect The Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Recently I have come under fire. I know you expect there to be more to the sentence than that but that is a fairly simple assessment of what is going on. Recently I have noticed an increasing number of suited persons in my vicinity. Also I have sensed many an assassin in the bushes around campus. What has been going on in peaceful Searcy, Arkansas, U.S. of A. ?

Today in my Intro to Mass Comm class I put the pieces together as to what was going on. I made a harmless joke to The Chris Berry, mind behind the popular blog of the same name. that no one will ever assassinate Hillary Clinton if she becomes president because she is in fact a robot. Now, even though I firmly believe this statement, I assumed it would be taken as a joke. However, later that same class period my professor asked if anyone in the class blogged. Myself and my classmate raised our hands, the only hands raised in the class. The professor than discussed blogs, during which another student asked if being stalked as result to one's blog is a risk. That's when I realized what was going on. I remembered the conversations I had with my friends and roommates leading up to and following Super Bowl 42. All of a sudden I realized that this blog was the cause of my problems and at the same time the solution to my problems. I realized I must use the power of my blog to make the information I have public before the agents silence me.

The problem begins with my NFL love, which has also proven a curse lately, the New England Patriots. Many of you have wondered how they managed the amazing play they have put forth all season. The answer is actually quite simple to anyone with an open mind and enough free time to dedicate days of observation to the team: Bill Belichick is a master android builder. As a matter of fact he is the world's premier android builder. Tom Brady is one of his crowning achievements, because Tom Brady is not a human, he is a robot. Other players such as Randy Moss, Junior Seau, and Kevin Faulk have had joints and other body parts replaced by android replacements. But the Patriots stars aren't the only robots Belichick has created. Other robots such as Hillary Clinton, the entire judging panel of American Idol, and Lance Armstrong have survived in our midst without anyone suspecting their mechanization. However after the improbable events of this past NFL season Belichick's cover was at risk. However by a stroke of luck for the US Government (who has been sponsoring Belichick's android creations with little to no chaperoning of the projects) the New York Giants defeated the machines and secured the Pats cover for another season (although in all fairness no where does the NFL say robots can't play). However, after the game I mentioned the androids to my roommate and fellow Harding Humor writer Ryan Howard. With research we discovered that the android program was started as part of the New Deal. FDR was looking for replacement legs and created a secret government bureau to create androids. These in turn created their greatest robot to date: J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover assumed control of the FBI and ensured that it never unearthed any of the android programs doings, but still spent a good 30% of its budget on the program. Builder after builder the trade was passed on. Until a young boy was discovered near the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland named William Belichick. This boy had a natural talent for building robots. He quickly became the most adept android builder in the country taking over the government project in exchange for his own head coaching position in the NFL. Since then he has kept tabs on the nations many androids: Bob Barker, the entire cast of The View, Ricky Martin, and Bigfoot (he does exist, but he's a robot not an ape). Anyways, Ryan and I couldn't believe our findings. We knew we had unearthed the biggest secret in decades. Then the truth hit us. We realized that there are many androids here on Harding University's campus. They were not just here, they were after us! Many other assassins and agents began appearing as well. We know now that we do not have much longer to live. So Ryan and I agreed to post this post to inform all of you to what is going on.

In their defense the Government has every right to silence me. Androids are functioning members of our society, whether we are aware of them or not. And as citizens with feelings (albeit limited feelings, but they do have some) it would be a national crisis if we were launched into xenophobia against androids due to two young adult males. So even though we are telling you about the robots, don't fear them. They just want to exist like you and I.

Well, since Ryan and I may not have much longer to live, we'd like to thank you all for reading with us and hopefully laughing with us.

It's been quite a ride. Thanks.

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor