Monday, February 4, 2008

Connect The Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Recently I have come under fire. I know you expect there to be more to the sentence than that but that is a fairly simple assessment of what is going on. Recently I have noticed an increasing number of suited persons in my vicinity. Also I have sensed many an assassin in the bushes around campus. What has been going on in peaceful Searcy, Arkansas, U.S. of A. ?

Today in my Intro to Mass Comm class I put the pieces together as to what was going on. I made a harmless joke to The Chris Berry, mind behind the popular blog of the same name. that no one will ever assassinate Hillary Clinton if she becomes president because she is in fact a robot. Now, even though I firmly believe this statement, I assumed it would be taken as a joke. However, later that same class period my professor asked if anyone in the class blogged. Myself and my classmate raised our hands, the only hands raised in the class. The professor than discussed blogs, during which another student asked if being stalked as result to one's blog is a risk. That's when I realized what was going on. I remembered the conversations I had with my friends and roommates leading up to and following Super Bowl 42. All of a sudden I realized that this blog was the cause of my problems and at the same time the solution to my problems. I realized I must use the power of my blog to make the information I have public before the agents silence me.

The problem begins with my NFL love, which has also proven a curse lately, the New England Patriots. Many of you have wondered how they managed the amazing play they have put forth all season. The answer is actually quite simple to anyone with an open mind and enough free time to dedicate days of observation to the team: Bill Belichick is a master android builder. As a matter of fact he is the world's premier android builder. Tom Brady is one of his crowning achievements, because Tom Brady is not a human, he is a robot. Other players such as Randy Moss, Junior Seau, and Kevin Faulk have had joints and other body parts replaced by android replacements. But the Patriots stars aren't the only robots Belichick has created. Other robots such as Hillary Clinton, the entire judging panel of American Idol, and Lance Armstrong have survived in our midst without anyone suspecting their mechanization. However after the improbable events of this past NFL season Belichick's cover was at risk. However by a stroke of luck for the US Government (who has been sponsoring Belichick's android creations with little to no chaperoning of the projects) the New York Giants defeated the machines and secured the Pats cover for another season (although in all fairness no where does the NFL say robots can't play). However, after the game I mentioned the androids to my roommate and fellow Harding Humor writer Ryan Howard. With research we discovered that the android program was started as part of the New Deal. FDR was looking for replacement legs and created a secret government bureau to create androids. These in turn created their greatest robot to date: J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover assumed control of the FBI and ensured that it never unearthed any of the android programs doings, but still spent a good 30% of its budget on the program. Builder after builder the trade was passed on. Until a young boy was discovered near the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland named William Belichick. This boy had a natural talent for building robots. He quickly became the most adept android builder in the country taking over the government project in exchange for his own head coaching position in the NFL. Since then he has kept tabs on the nations many androids: Bob Barker, the entire cast of The View, Ricky Martin, and Bigfoot (he does exist, but he's a robot not an ape). Anyways, Ryan and I couldn't believe our findings. We knew we had unearthed the biggest secret in decades. Then the truth hit us. We realized that there are many androids here on Harding University's campus. They were not just here, they were after us! Many other assassins and agents began appearing as well. We know now that we do not have much longer to live. So Ryan and I agreed to post this post to inform all of you to what is going on.

In their defense the Government has every right to silence me. Androids are functioning members of our society, whether we are aware of them or not. And as citizens with feelings (albeit limited feelings, but they do have some) it would be a national crisis if we were launched into xenophobia against androids due to two young adult males. So even though we are telling you about the robots, don't fear them. They just want to exist like you and I.

Well, since Ryan and I may not have much longer to live, we'd like to thank you all for reading with us and hopefully laughing with us.

It's been quite a ride. Thanks.

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

2 comments:

TheChrisBerry said...

I think it would be perfectly fine to name that student you referred to...and perhaps link to his blog...

TheChrisBerry said...

I saw the incoming link this morning. Thank you, sir.