Wednesday, September 8, 2010

President On A Shoestring

So we've all heard the rumors and whispers around campus...Dr. Burks will retire soon but who will be his replacement? Understanding the stressful financial times besetting America we here at HH will give our humble advice on who we think should replace Dr. Burks and why they would be a quality by based on cost efficiency. So we begin a new article series "president on a shoestring".

First options: The Davids

This idea is simple all of these candidates have already saved us money in hiring due to the fact that they share Dr. Burks's first name (this way we don't have to change the towels).

1) Davey from the Davey and Goliath shorts
Davey has long been known as a part of American pop culture. His claymation TV series has been integrating faith, life, and learning since the 60s. Davey comes with several economic advantages. First he has an immense recruiting appeal. Secondly, he is clay, thus he doesn't need sustenance or amenities of any kind. Lastly, he is independently wealthy and thus may take the job for a very low salary, unless that pesky dog is around ("I'm going to take the harding job for free!" "I don't know Daveeeey!")

2) David Blaine/David Copperfield
These two magicians could make an excellent tag team for the office of university president. Aside from the name saving they also have great financial perks. They can both use magic to travel, cutting transportation costs. They can make students disappear and reappear during the nights, eliminating the need for dorms. They can also both perform "miracles" live on TV16! Suck on that televangelists!

3)David Hasselhoff
The Hoff comes with several perks as well. If Hasselhoff were to take the president position he would presumably bring KITT, eliminating transportation needs and Nate Copeland's position (sorry nate, but the economy calls for downsizing, your job has been automated by a talking car). Due to his experience on America's Got Talent, we would never need another judge for the CAB talent show. Also he would give us a competitive edge against Pepperdine: yeah you may see Pam Anderson every once in awhile in Malibu, but we MAKE you look at the Hoff every day in chapel....okay so maybe there is a downside.

4) David Beckham
I can sum up his contribution in two words: Posh Spice

5) Gen. David Petraeus
Upsides: most awesome Public Safety ever, built in ASI connections, and he won't let radical students burn Koran's
Downsides: would have to wear padded shoulder suitcoats to meet his maximum sex appeal potential

That sums up our David options, other shoestring options for the office of harding's president to come later.

PB '??

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer

This summer Glenn Dillard spent the time he wasn't calling you or filling your mailbox in Finland, doubling as Jyrki Katainen. While doubling as the Finnish finance minister and leading EU figure, Dillard approved extra bailout money for Greece in order to save the EU and ensure that he can still lure students to campus with the HUG program. We'll next time you lead a double life Glenn, know that Harding Humor is watching you. Caught Ya!

PB '??

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

HUH? For Real Though...

So even though Mr. Ramsey may think he was cute when he came up with the idea of Harding University Habits, I've got some bad news: there have been habits here that made me say HUH? for years. Check these out....

-The idea that riding a long board to class is in any way more efficient than just walking... or maybe just the idea that you don't look like a tool doing it.

-Sidewalk chalk is a valid form of advertising-from which you can expect results. (ex. "i'm really excited about souvenirs tonight, there should be a lot of new people after that intense sidewalk chalk campaign" followed by this reaction at the meeting "oh, its just more of the same kind of people that always come")

-Awkward = Indie (?)

-The people waiting outside of a locked classroom can be ignored by other professors with keys. (thank you bible faculty for changing this habit)

-Its okay to look exasperated when choosing to check your mail during the post chapel onslaught.

-Casual Frisbee tossing can only be performed in areas easily viewed by all students.

-The idea that whoever you are currently talking to knows everyone you know, even though that isn't mutual.

-Shoes are optional in public places (for the record I definitely saw Dr. Hopper take off his Union Jack socks and walk around/leave Midnight Oil barefoot... really? you should know better)

-Last but not least, everything can be explained with a circle graph.