Wednesday, September 8, 2010
President On A Shoestring
So we've all heard the rumors and whispers around campus...Dr. Burks will retire soon but who will be his replacement? Understanding the stressful financial times besetting America we here at HH will give our humble advice on who we think should replace Dr. Burks and why they would be a quality by based on cost efficiency. So we begin a new article series "president on a shoestring".
First options: The Davids
This idea is simple all of these candidates have already saved us money in hiring due to the fact that they share Dr. Burks's first name (this way we don't have to change the towels).
1) Davey from the Davey and Goliath shorts
Davey has long been known as a part of American pop culture. His claymation TV series has been integrating faith, life, and learning since the 60s. Davey comes with several economic advantages. First he has an immense recruiting appeal. Secondly, he is clay, thus he doesn't need sustenance or amenities of any kind. Lastly, he is independently wealthy and thus may take the job for a very low salary, unless that pesky dog is around ("I'm going to take the harding job for free!" "I don't know Daveeeey!")
2) David Blaine/David Copperfield
These two magicians could make an excellent tag team for the office of university president. Aside from the name saving they also have great financial perks. They can both use magic to travel, cutting transportation costs. They can make students disappear and reappear during the nights, eliminating the need for dorms. They can also both perform "miracles" live on TV16! Suck on that televangelists!
The Hoff comes with several perks as well. If Hasselhoff were to take the president position he would presumably bring KITT, eliminating transportation needs and Nate Copeland's position (sorry nate, but the economy calls for downsizing, your job has been automated by a talking car). Due to his experience on America's Got Talent, we would never need another judge for the CAB talent show. Also he would give us a competitive edge against Pepperdine: yeah you may see Pam Anderson every once in awhile in Malibu, but we MAKE you look at the Hoff every day in chapel....okay so maybe there is a downside.
4) David Beckham
I can sum up his contribution in two words: Posh Spice
5) Gen. David Petraeus
Upsides: most awesome Public Safety ever, built in ASI connections, and he won't let radical students burn Koran's
Downsides: would have to wear padded shoulder suitcoats to meet his maximum sex appeal potential
That sums up our David options, other shoestring options for the office of harding's president to come later.