Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!

This summer Alex had the privilege of meeting famous Smallville supervillian Lex Luther. Lex was available at That Bookstore In Blytheville for signings of his recent book, "Wheelchairs and Other Reasons It Is Entirely Unfair My Rival Is Superman". Alex said that Luther was very friendly, extremely articulate, and is offering internships to potential supervillains. Science majors preferred, but other majors also accepted. Caught Ya!

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer

Noah Gregersen
1989-2008

Noah Gregersen died this summer when he was viciously mauled by a bear. The bear has since been institutionalized for its compulsive attacks. The bear lured Noah over by growling that it had a piece of Salmon in its pocket. The bear then asked Noah if he would like a free hug sponsored by Delta Chi Delta and Regina. Noah accepted and asked if his friend would take this picture. After the hug, the bear decided it wanted to taste Noah's spleen and it was all downhill from there. RIP Noah Gregersen. We will miss you.

Harding Humor Knows What You Did Last Summer!

Apparently Monday's Chapel was too late for Jordan, who was recently caught starring in "The Notebook" with Rachel McAdams. To bad no one actually likes that movie. (Well at least not here at HH.) Did you really think we wouldn't know it was you? The hat's a dead giveaway. Caught Ya!

PRB '11

Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Over the past week, I have heard many different people speak with "scorn" (for lack of a better word) about Harding University's policies and regulations. Some of these discussions were with students of other universities. Many of these students couldn't understand why Harding was so strict on so many issues. However I have also had some discussions with Harding grads recently, who wouldn't trade their Harding experience for anything else. This got me thinking, and eventually investigating. I have delved down to the bottom of this phenomena. Hold on until you've read the whole theory: Harding is a giant degradation ceremony for a secret society. Consider what someone would do to join a fraternity. That person would give away all rights to any dignifying individuality in order to be identified with the group later and the benefits of the association. Harding does basically the same thing on a much more grandiose scale. Upon arrival you sign a contract agreeing to abide by their rules. You loose your right to drink at age 21, to use tobacco products, to express all of your ideas without censorship. You might say, "But it is legal for me to drink if I'm 21! C'mon Harding!" Well, often times degradation ceremonies pay no mind to the law. Technically hazing is illegal. Consider your own pledge experience at Harding. It should have been much more tame than any pledge process at a state school. After all, harding can't loose your blossoming new identity to internal divisions and smaller identities. I know that my pledge process for Knights Social Club was very rough on me mentally, but once it was over and I was identified as a Knight I would do it again in a heartbeat. This is common with survivors of any degradation ceremony. Members of national fraternal orders would go through three times what they endured originally in order to receive the benefits again. Not to mention the bonding that occurs with other pledges. This same thing happens at Harding. As students we enter this process to become the illustrious graduate, and thus we go through frustrating tribulations which in the process shape us and grow us closer together as a student body. And if you speak to any graduates they largely look back upon Harding with such fond memories. This is exactly what Harding wants to happen, they want us to loose our identity and then find it again on the other side. "But wait, this is terrible! It's like conformity camp!" I must disagree with this outcry. You can resist, you can even refuse, you can even leave or get kicked out. Harding wants this to happen it ensures the effectiveness of their program. The adversity that we feel as students shapes us. I'm sure that a few of you will agree with me as you read this, and our rebelling minds will share a bond that cannot be broken, which means it is working. The fact that I've realized this and am sharing it doesn't make me a heretic, simply someone who is enlightened about the process. "But what are the benefits of going through this 'Harding Machine'?" With fraternities you have business connections after graduation and a reputation associated with you do to your organizations reputation. These are both offered with Harding, who is held in high esteem by many across the world. So overall we are simply pledges right now. We are going through all of the regulations that we sometimes roll our eyes at for a reason, so take heart. Next time you are talking to one of your friends who goes to a state school and they make fun of Harding for not having fraternities you can let them know that their school is the lame one, after all our whole school is one giant greek experience.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor In Chief,
Harding Humor

PRB '11

Harding Fall Fashion for Men

School is back in session and that means that all the dope looks and wardrobes are being busted out in a parade of shibbiness. (That's right, that sentence just happened.) So to keep you looking fresh here, is Harding Humor's guide to fashions you might see this fall.

For men:

Wrinkled shirts are very in. The more wrinkled, the better. In fact if you can manage to wrinkle the sleeves and collars of your shirts than do it, that shows a fashion minded individual.
Also the primary scent for men is Febreeze Meadows and Rain by Proctor and Gamble. It lets people know that just because you are a poor college student you still like to smell "so fresh and so clean". Another trend that comes back every year, the facial hair classic the "don't shave". The "don't shave" is not a beard, no it is simply the fuzzy result of not shaving for a few days. Now for some of you mountain men, the "don't shave" look only lasts for a couple of hours. If this is the case I recommend using a dull disposable razor to achieve the desired fuzziness. As usual the flip flop is still the staple of the wardrobe, protecting your feet from the nasty sidewalks with minimal dressing effort. Remember these tips and maybe you can score a hot date, or even get your picture put up on Harding Humor!

PRB '11

No Comment

PRB '11

Editorial: Touchtone Apocalypse

This is the Final Essay that I wrote for Comp. I wrote it in about an hour and a half. I am rather proud of it, and thought I would share. Enjoy.

Touchtone Apocalypse

Decades ago, viewers of Star Trek were amazed and dazzled by the Communicator, able to cross light-years to reach people with the push of a button. Now, in the early morning light of the 3rd millennium A.D., the wonders of the Communicator have allegedly been made reality in the form of the cell phone. The cell phone has been proclaimed as the great achievement of our time, a bridger of geological chasms and conqueror of distance, but be not deceived, good people of the world! This device which has been hailed as the peak of our current technological creativity conceals dangers and malice within. There are three types of problems with the cell phone that hold the potential to bring about the fall of civilization as we know it.
One of the most prominent features of cell phones is known as “text messaging” and is collectively lowering the intelligence of users around the world. “Text messaging” refers to text-only messages sent between cell phones, used as a matter of convenience instead of speech or used to deliver short, concise messages. Since many users utilize text messaging to send messages too short to warrant a full-length phone call, they seek for ways to shorten words and phrases to allow for quicker messages, and herein lies the danger. Shorthand begins innocently enough, utilizing acronyms such as LOL (laugh out loud) or ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing) to express joviality or mirth. However, these phrases are often used to obscure a complete lack of substance and content within conversation. Soon users mysteriously lose their ability to spell basic words, using phrases such as “R U reddy?” (Are you ready?). This affliction proceeds to loss of grammar skills (“I is goin 2 da park!”) and lastly begins to worm its infectious way into spoken conversation. Victims of this condition are marked by glazed, staring eyes accompanied by constant attention and care given to the cell phone in the victim’s possession. Truly, the end times are at hand!
Secondly, cell phones cause a rapid loss of social skills in frequent users. While an individual may seem perfectly capable of communication with fellow humans through the distorted lens of the cell phone screen, he is revealed as an awkward, dull, borderline incoherent person when engaged in person. This is the result of a complete lack of human contact when engaged in cell phone communication. Users are often engaged in other activities while speaking on cell phones and are not even paying attention to the words of the other user. I have witnessed two adult women sit within arm’s reach of each other and text message separate people, barely aware of the other’s existence. We are losing our ability to make real contact with other humans. We are becoming zombies enslaved to necromancers named Sprint and AT&T! We are being transformed into vampires sustained only by the electronic energy emanating from the very devices that are enslaving us!
The final type of problem that ties everything in this message of warning together is the effect of cell phones on a user’s driving skills. It is not uncommon to see a person driving a vehicle while flippantly chattering away on a cell phone and then to witness the same vehicle flipped over in a ditch a few miles further down the road. Hundreds of vehicle accidents are caused by the careless use of cell phones every year. While this may seem to be simply an unavoidable consequence of contemporary technology, we must see that it is more than that. At some point, a fully afflicted cell phone victim will be involved in a vehicle accident with another cell phone victim. This situation would be easily solvable if not for the drivers’ complete lack of coherence and ability to communicate caused by cell phone affliction. The wrecked vehicles will remain where they are while other vehicles are hindered, eventually causing further accidents. The chaos will spread, causing all major roads to be closed. Drivers in urban areas will begin to feel these effects, crashing into signs and buildings and causing the complete destruction of major cities. With so many cell phone victims, constructive and preventative communication will be extremely hindered and ultimately fail. Thus shall begin the period tribulation which will indubitably precede the end of time.
Here is a portrait of a world ruled by cell phones: the wasteland of America is lined with the corpses of vehicles. All is quiet save a lone cry of lament: “I R SAD!” A man bumps into you, stops awkwardly, and, without eye contact, mumbles, “I is sorry. LOL” and shuffles into the distance. The cell phone is an immediate and potent danger that must be dealt with! He who has ears, let him hear! Repent, for the kingdom of—excuse me, my cell phone seems to be ringing. Ha, is Rob. I got 2 go. OMG, Rob have much fun E storyz! TTYL! LOL.


Ryan Howard,
Content Editor
Contributing Author
Animal Husbandry Administrator (aka Ferret/Eagle Crossbreader)
Concept/Image Director
Resident Klingon Translator
Schmadolph Schmitler Investigator
Cave of Wonders Cartographer
Corpse Examiner (find the Contents of the Dead Men's Pockets)
Colonoscopy Surgeon
Diplomatic Paleontologist (part of our Embassy to the Dinosaur Remnant)
Principal of Biblical Interpretation
Resident Courtney Love Hater
Android Programmer
Educated Guesser
Co-Chair of Harding University's Blurb Assignment Committee
Google Poll Administrator
Count Von Count Campaign Treasurer
Superpledge

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If life is a calculus problem, the sky is the limit.

RH '11

Corporate Transparency: Harding Humor Style

So over the last few months Harding Humor has not been posting that actively. And the material posted has been moderate at best. Perhaps deserving of a chuckle or two, but no guffaws. This is all true. However, in our defense, here is some of the material we rejected over the past months as well. Quality or quantity? Take your pick.

And the losers are:

If life were Captain Planet, you'd be the Power of Heart.

Although not recognized by the public, many words are actually onomatopoeias. Examples: Dropkick (if you stutter, this has the effect of a running dropkick as opposed to a standing dropkick), Scratch, Poop, Slap, Cleave, Whisper, and Snort.

If Doctor Burks and The Pope had an "altercation" it would probably be a lot like when Yoda fought the Emperor in Star Wars Ep. III: Revenge of the Sith only our lightning would be holier than theirs.

Illegal immigration and social security can each be solved by simply shipping off all of our old people to Mexico and giving the immigrants the old people's social security numbers.

Every time we touch I feel the static, but that's the price you pay for dating a Van De Graaff
generator.

If I could retell any classic novel, I would write "The Scarlet Hood Ornament" about Optimus Prynne committing adultery with Roger Chillingsworth resulting in exile and shame from the conservative Autobot community.

Contrary to a popular campus rumor, Torrence "Tank" Daniels did NOT put the "Tank" in "Thomas the Tank Engine".

Who has more movie cameo appearances Alfred Hitchcock or the Statue of Liberty? I don't know ask Kevin Bacon, he's the one that's "degreed" with everyone.

Silly rabbit! Crack cocaine is illegal!

PB '11

Nemesis Song for Lazy People

Apparently some of our readers skip over any long articles. If so this is for you. A few posts back we ran an article on songs that you hate requesting readers to post their hated songs in all genres as comments. If you didn't read that article, you can post your list without reading the article here. Thanks. We always try and accommodate our underachievers at Harding Humor.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If we call everyone who is excessive in adding Facebook friends a "facebook whore" than what will we call the actual whores on facebook? You can't just steal someone's job title to insult someone that you weren't mean enough to reject.

PB '11

Connect the Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Last February US Government officials announced that they planned to shoot down a malfunctioning US Spy Satellite. This announcement was quickly executed to protect the public from possible exposure to the satellites toxic fuel and met with opposition from the Chinese and Russian governments. At Harding Humor we would love to enlighten you as to the real design of this missile launch and its opposition. The US Government did in fact destroy the satellite they targeted on their first attempt. This "spy satellite" contained a toxic fuel with which it maneuvered once in space and this fuel risked being leaked and harming the public. This is perhaps the lamest lie the government has ever fed us. At Harding Humor we know that the "satellite" targeted was Dino-1, the interstellar shuttle that the dinosaur remnant uses to keep contact with Earth. When the dinosaurs left this planet many years ago, they remained in contact with Earth and protect our solar system from intergalactic threats. However, after recent political actions amongst the dinosaurs, they decided to move their primary contact with Earth from the USA to France. This infuriated the American government and they sought revenge on the Dinosaurs. France planted dissent amongst the Russian and Chinese governments so that they could oppose the upcoming missle launch. We at Harding Humor have very close relations with the dinosaurs, featuring their many different species that still visit our planet weekly last semester. Also, my namesake was responsible for the book chronicling their history, entitled, "What Happened To Patrick's Dinosaur's". The resulting scenario unfolded: The dinosaurs sent a decoy satellite to establish contact with France. This was shot down by the US. The Dinosaurs were offended and decided to choose an apolitical emissary to Earth and approached Harding Humor. We are now the official emissaries of the Dinosaur Republic to Earth. Now we know that the government is still sore at us for our exposure of their android program, but this was not our choice, the Dinosaurs approached us.
Here are some evidence of our story for you doubters. Compare the legendary Patrick's drawings of the dinosaurs spacecraft to that shot down in the video on Fox News. And one question from the dinosaurs to Mr. Centanni of Fox News: If the debris lands in the ocean why do you call it "landing" instead of "watering"? For those already convinced, we'll do our best to keep you in touch with the dinosaurs protecting our civilization.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-in-Chief

The Great Nemesis Song Experiment

Throughout the years there have been many different genres of music that I have listened to avidly. None implicitly better than the others, merely different. Despite all the musical, stylistic, and cultural diversity, all genres have one thing in common. Yes, be it hip-hop, country, techno, bluegrass, or jazz every genre has at the very least one song that is just TERRIBLE. One song that makes your stomach churn and brings headaches while simultaneously generating enough hate to fuel a small storm of Dark Side Electricity (yes I just referenced Star Wars, but that's an entirely different rant). Some of these songs have even the audacity to lodge themselves somewhere in your subconscious and hide within the folds of your memory, an ostentatious soundtrack to the rest of your sub-par, tired day. You start to taste bile in the back of your throat only to realize you have been subtly singing the very song you despise, spreading the disease to those around you. Sometimes these songs forgo the subtlety of infiltration and in brazen effrontery come from every speaker in your vicinity. These songs have gone on with a certain timelessness that allows them to infect many generations beyond their targets of origin. These songs are your nemeses. They are the enemies of your sanity, undermining the greater efforts of humanity from the moment of their conception. Everyone has certain songs that elicit these emotions, and these are your nemesis songs. You are cringing right now at the very thought of these songs, trying not to actually think of them for fear that they will torment you again. It is this very reaction that is allowing the nemesis song to exist. It is time that society takes a stand against these songs. That is why I'm proposing that we attempt to compile a list of everyone's nemesis songs so that we can combat them. Until we know which songs are the worst offenders we cannot know how stiff to make the punishment. So please join the battle against nemesis songs and stick it to these travesties of sound. If you are so compelled post your nemesis songs below so that Harding Humor can lead the battle with an exhaustive list of all the world's nemesis songs. Don't give up hope! Remember, as long as karma can find its way back to MC Hammer than there is hope for the musical world.

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-In-Chief

Good Stuff and Harding

There's good stuff and then there's Harding, sometimes there is both. When that happens we like to celebrate here at Harding Humor. As we've said many times before, Harding should rise to our level, so that we aren't picking on those lower than us. Here is the latest offspring of Mr. Good Stuff and Madam Harding: The Harding University Concert Choir.

This Good Stuff Review is brought to you by Editor-In-Chief, Sir Knight Patrick Baird Esquire.

Last night I had the privilege of seeing many of my good friends perform as part of the Harding University Concert Choir. The Concert Choir did an excellent job and brought much honor upon the University I seek to satirize. The concert was never boring, neither too short nor too long. Throughout the concert members of the Choir would step out and introduce the next composition. These pithy segways, were interesting and entertaining. Specifically, I found it interesting when Peter Snell introduced his song and I found it entertaining when Dr. Shearin immediately undermined the first introduction that didn't sound forced by commenting that, "The sun is coming out, and no tornadoes this time!" I guess if you get right down to it the only thing I didn't like about the concert was Dr. Shearin. Allow me to elaborate, during the song "People Need the Lord" Dr. Shearin takes a solo with the choir backing him. Now, I know that in collegiate choirs this is not uncommon and I do not object to Dr. Shearin taking a solo. I think that Dr. Shearin has a lovely voice, but I find it very distracting the way Dr. Shearin "directs" (this is my best explanation for what he was doing with his hands) when he is soloing. The way he gestured at the audience during that piece reminded me of vaudeville or crooning lounge singers, an image that is not complementary to "People Need the Lord". The video posted below is an example of what I mean. It is just so distracting. Now, I know that it is rather vain to think that Dr. Shearin reads this blog, but if he "stumbles across it" perhaps he will see my point and concede to just keep his hands by his sides next time. Overall the Concert Choir did a great job and I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

If you find other good stuff that is related to Harding, let us know email Editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Lance Bass is the George Michaels of our generation, only thankfully he didn't ever start a song with the word "Jitterbug". So I guess overall our generation is a lot less flaming than the 80s.

RH '11, PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

The Knight's Joust, hosted by the Knights social club, would be a lot more popular if Heath Ledger came, especially when you consider the fact that he's dead. Actors are always more popular after they're dead.

PB '11

Good Stuff and Harding

There's good stuff and then there's Harding, sometimes there is both. When that happens we like to celebrate here at Harding Humor. As we've said many times before, Harding should rise to our level, so that we aren't picking on those lower than us. Here is the latest offspring of Mr. Good Stuff and Madam Harding: The Opinionated Show.

This Good Stuff review is brought to you by Editor-In-Chief, Sir Knight Patrick Baird Esquire.

The Opinionated Show is a podcast about Apple Computers, liberal politics, and whatever else Jonathan Freese and Chris Berry have on their minds. In the most recent episode the Democratic Duo interview Dr. Jack Shock, Public Relations professor at Harding University. The podcast is insightful and funny, which are obviously important to you if you read Harding Humor. Deep topics such as doorstops, Oregon Trail, and "God" in Montana. Now the fact that Chris Berry is the author of our fellow Harding Blog, TheChrisBerry might bias this review. Or perhaps the fact that I'm a PR major and Dr. Shock is an excellent teacher and experienced PR man has an effect on this review. Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that Jonathan Freese is my fifth cousin and today is his birthday makes this blogger a little Opinionated towards The Opinionated Show. It's okay, its in our blood. Be sure to check out The Opinionated Show, available at theopinionatedshow.com or on the iTunes store. Check it out and tell us what you think.

If you find other good stuff that is related to Harding, let us know email Editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

"AIDS" has a deceptively positive connotation, while "treatment" has a deceptively negative connotation. If they were both on a menu at a restaurant I'd never visited before, I would pick "AIDS". My gut instinct hates me.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day Contest

Post your Deep and Insightful Answer to this Deep and Insightful Question and win a post dedicated to you on Harding Humor.

Deep and Insightful Question of the Day:
If you bred a ferret with an eagle what would the resulting species name be?


AE '11, PB'11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Along the lines of yesterday's thought:

Sonic's "Happy Hour" is only one hour before "Pee Hour", perhaps "Hap" is a prefix meaning "One hour before".

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Don't go shopping at the mall during "Dinosaur Hour".

PB '11

Harding Humor's Android Control Programming Guide

Due to encounters with androids on campus, encounters meaning Ryan and I being stalked by androids, I have developed this handy guide to programming your own androids.

Code 1:

100101010101010101010100101010100000010101000010101010101010101001

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to read the rest of these codes and return periodically for more programming updates. That's right you've been tricked. I have no androids of my own, but by spying on me you have infected your own programming and are now under my control every day from 4:12 PM until 5:59 PM. Ha! Retaliate that!

Code 2:

100101010101010101010101010111111011

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to pour chocolate sauce on every Harding logo you see. (Sorry ServiceMaster but the androids have forced me to turn the tabe's and start using them as a guerrilla force of mild annoyance until they are reprogrammed to stop stalking me.)

Code 3:

101010101000100010101010100000101010

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to go to chapel everyday and not use any of your skips. If you are not an android know that I would never wish this travesty on you, although I do find it suspicious that you are still reading this without compulsion programming.

Code 4:

10001010101010101010101010101010100010000001010001

If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to turn to a game show when your career washes up in 20 years.

Code 5:

101010101110101011

This is the simplest code of all. If you are an android and you just read that, you are now compelled to vote for David Manes of Political Cartel for a political blogging scholarship by clicking on the following link.

LINK

If you are not an android, I don't want to force you to vote, but might I persuade you to support a fellow Harding student, so that we might gain some national respect. I'd like that, then we would be picking on someone our own size. Check it out and decide for yourself. Besides, Mr. Manes can't pay me kickbacks to not make fun of him if he's all paying for school and stuff ( just kidding) (for now anyways).

Sir Knight Patrick Baird, Esquire
Editor-In-Chief
Harding Humor

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Having work that is in some way published or publicized be referred to as "liberal garbage" at Harding, ensures people care what you have to say. Being referred to as "hilarious" or "pretty funny" or "kinda funny sometimes" or "sounds good I should read sometime before the semester is over" or "dead" (Andrew, you are still not atoned) ensures the android problem is a lot worse than Ryan or I first suspected.

PB '11

Contents of a Dead Man's Pockets

Tupac Shakur (inspired by today's chapel):
-Thousands of Dollars in cash held together by a rubber band
-A Blue bandana
-A card that says: "If found please notify Dr. John Moon Jr. of Harding University."
-A complete book of the lyrics of Bob Dylan
-The Harper Collins Pocket Classic Edition of Alex Hailey's Roots
-A picture of his mother
-Dame Juli Andrew's cell phone number scribbled on a restaurant napkin
-Photo ID
-Pocket Lent

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

B. Chris Simpson is probably the only black man to mention the Black Panthers, "Power", and the East/West hip-hop rivalry in a public forum at Harding, and more than likely he doesn't realize the people chuckling in chapel this morning were actually just laughing at the thought that B. Chris told everyone Tupac Shakur was actually dead. Everyone knows he lives with Dr. Moon in the Pryor Science Building right here on campus.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

If you can excuse a persons actions by saying "They're not a morning person" than I would like to contend that Hitler "was not a 40's person". Yeah, you just read sarcasm. Congrats.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Dora the Explorer would make a great politician because everyday she pauses to pretend like she cares how people are going to answer her questions before she moves on with her agenda.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Broccoli each day keeps your bowels at bay.


RH '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

The author of "The Game" has never met Zach Fetterman.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

Why Armstrong Hall has the fire alarm go off sooooo many times:

-It's highly flammable
-Men can't cook
-Man funk smells like smoke
-Poltergeist
-That's not the fire alarm that's the doorbell
-Everytime a smoke detector beeps an angel gets its wings
-Arson
-Fire alarms sensitive to fire ants
-Bison Days students are ridiculous and shouldn't be allowed to come to Harding
-The fire department thinks seeing at least one student mostly naked (without fail) is funny
-Our fire alarms are intercepting intergalactic messages
-Mrs. Lemmons' death stare can burn through souls

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

This is our heritage: When Men wear ridiculously tight pants, hilarity ensues; thus trousers begot comedy and comedy begot drag-queens and drag-queens begot manpris and manpris begot Harding Humor, so using the transitive property trousers begot Harding Humor.

PB '11

Deep and Insightful Thought of the Day

Only one letter keeps rape from being nosy instead of noisy.

PB '11

Educated Guesses

Educated guesses to questions asked this week.

What Students Do While Waiting For the Attendance Sign-In So They Can Then Sneak Out Of Dr. Moon's Biology Class:
-Facebook
-Play Solitare
-Shop on Ebay
-Pine for the Rockies
-Watch latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if they missed anything
-Abandon their shoulder angels


What Dr. Moon Does After Everyone Leaves His Class:
-Facebook
-Plays Solitare
-Shops on Ebay
-Pines for the Rockies
-Plays Bingo with the periodic table
-Produces Tupac's next "posthumous" release
-Composes polyphonic ringtones
-Coordinates NATO troops through telepathic communication
-Watches latest episode of LOST in slo-mo to see if he missed anything
-Runs home for abandoned shoulder angels

What Dr. Moon keeps in the cabinets of Pryor 123:
-Chemical samples
-Dissected animals
-Bingo chips
-Cerebro Brain Wave Enhancer
-Abandoned shoulder angels
-Tupac Shakur

PB '11

Google Poll

Today Harding Humor is creating (in the sense that we're claiming it even though you may have done it before) a new type of Public Poll, the Google Poll. This is where a topic is entered into the Google search engine and the results of the first page are read and the results of how many positive and negative pages are posted.
Today we searched many topics of prestige: salad and David Barton. These are the results:

Salad:
5- positive pages
5- neutral pages
0- negative pages
0- irrelevant pages
Looks like the Webizens of the world love salad, or at least they don't hate it!

David Barton:
3- neutral pages
1- irrelevant page (an ad for a gym)
2- positive pages
4- negative pages
Overall, looks like David Barton loses public support in the digital world

Pseudo-Disclaimer: To anyone who would love to pull us down, specifically the writer of this piece, with petty arguments of bias know that this does not have a partisan slant at all since salad has aligned itself with Mike Huckabee and the Republican party since Huck first ran for governor of Arkansas.

PB '11, RH '11, Google

Connect The Dots: Conspiracy Theories on Harding's Campus

Recently I have come under fire. I know you expect there to be more to the sentence than that but that is a fairly simple assessment of what is going on. Recently I have noticed an increasing number of suited persons in my vicinity. Also I have sensed many an assassin in the bushes around campus. What has been going on in peaceful Searcy, Arkansas, U.S. of A. ?

Today in my Intro to Mass Comm class I put the pieces together as to what was going on. I made a harmless joke to The Chris Berry, mind behind the popular blog of the same name. that no one will ever assassinate Hillary Clinton if she becomes president because she is in fact a robot. Now, even though I firmly believe this statement, I assumed it would be taken as a joke. However, later that same class period my professor asked if anyone in the class blogged. Myself and my classmate raised our hands, the only hands raised in the class. The professor than discussed blogs, during which another student asked if being stalked as result to one's blog is a risk. That's when I realized what was going on. I remembered the conversations I had with my friends and roommates leading up to and following Super Bowl 42. All of a sudden I realized that this blog was the cause of my problems and at the same time the solution to my problems. I realized I must use the power of my blog to make the information I have public before the agents silence me.

The problem begins with my NFL love, which has also proven a curse lately, the New England Patriots. Many of you have wondered how they managed the amazing play they have put forth all season. The answer is actually quite simple to anyone with an open mind and enough free time to dedicate days of observation to the team: Bill Belichick is a master android builder. As a matter of fact he is the world's premier android builder. Tom Brady is one of his crowning achievements, because Tom Brady is not a human, he is a robot. Other players such as Randy Moss, Junior Seau, and Kevin Faulk have had joints and other body parts replaced by android replacements. But the Patriots stars aren't the only robots Belichick has created. Other robots such as Hillary Clinton, the entire judging panel of American Idol, and Lance Armstrong have survived in our midst without anyone suspecting their mechanization. However after the improbable events of this past NFL season Belichick's cover was at risk. However by a stroke of luck for the US Government (who has been sponsoring Belichick's android creations with little to no chaperoning of the projects) the New York Giants defeated the machines and secured the Pats cover for another season (although in all fairness no where does the NFL say robots can't play). However, after the game I mentioned the androids to my roommate and fellow Harding Humor writer Ryan Howard. With research we discovered that the android program was started as part of the New Deal. FDR was looking for replacement legs and created a secret government bureau to create androids. These in turn created their greatest robot to date: J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover assumed control of the FBI and ensured that it never unearthed any of the android programs doings, but still spent a good 30% of its budget on the program. Builder after builder the trade was passed on. Until a young boy was discovered near the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland named William Belichick. This boy had a natural talent for building robots. He quickly became the most adept android builder in the country taking over the government project in exchange for his own head coaching position in the NFL. Since then he has kept tabs on the nations many androids: Bob Barker, the entire cast of The View, Ricky Martin, and Bigfoot (he does exist, but he's a robot not an ape). Anyways, Ryan and I couldn't believe our findings. We knew we had unearthed the biggest secret in decades. Then the truth hit us. We realized that there are many androids here on Harding University's campus. They were not just here, they were after us! Many other assassins and agents began appearing as well. We know now that we do not have much longer to live. So Ryan and I agreed to post this post to inform all of you to what is going on.

In their defense the Government has every right to silence me. Androids are functioning members of our society, whether we are aware of them or not. And as citizens with feelings (albeit limited feelings, but they do have some) it would be a national crisis if we were launched into xenophobia against androids due to two young adult males. So even though we are telling you about the robots, don't fear them. They just want to exist like you and I.

Well, since Ryan and I may not have much longer to live, we'd like to thank you all for reading with us and hopefully laughing with us.

It's been quite a ride. Thanks.

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Contents Of A Dead Man's Pocket

Content's of John F Kennedy's pockets:

Rosary Beads
The original Space Pen (writes upside down!)
Two pre-missile crisis Cuban cigars
Peanuts compliments of Air Force One
A wallet containing: Pictures of Jackie, Marylin Monroe, Himself, Himself and Jackie, Himself and Marylin, two tickets to see Sinatra in Vegas, and a membership card to the "Tag! Your it! Sniper Club".
Unbreakable comb
"#1 Prez" customized Zippo Lighter

PB '11

FacTakes: Chapel Parody

Here at Harding Humor, we've noticed some of the faculty and staff have very distinct mannerisms that come out when they speak before a large group of students, such as in Chapel.
We are delving into new territory this new semester by bringing you videos of our "best"
impressions of these speakers. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: We do not wish to hurt the feelings of any faculty or staff featured in this
segment. For this reason the subject of the caricature will not be named, however if anyone has a video brought to their attention that they feel is impersonating them, contact our editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu and the video will be removed.


UPDATE: Upon revisiting this video 10 years later it is very distasteful and has been removed accordingly.

New Blogroll

Since our start last semester, we've tried to bring a little laughter onto Harding's campus. Many of you have been extremely supportive with your contributions, feedback, endorsement, and your laughter. Some of you have a given us the honor of being included on your blogroll. This has lead to an increase in our readers, and we greatly appreciate it. I'd especially like to thank Dr. Mark Elrod of Harding for getting us out of the small student blog sphere and into the world "legit" weblogs (if you can call any blog legit) by adding us to his blogroll.

So now its our turn to return the favor. We've added a blogroll to our layout containing other Harding blogs. We've also added links to the websites of two of the most prestigious college humor magazines (The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern and The Harvard Lampoon) and we hope you can at the least get a good chuckle from the material there also.

Enjoy these other blogs and continue to check back as we begin our second semester covering campus life here at Harding University.

Much Love,
Harding Humor

Harding Humor Exclusive: JD Zuckerman

As the road to the Oscars begins and the Hollywood Awards Season kicks off, many new movies come out and capture the hearts of their viewers and critics. One such movie that has just opened is The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, directed and produced by Rob Reiner, and written by Justin Zackham. This heart-warming film about two terminally ill gentlemen who escape from their cancer ward to complete a list of adventures before they die. Many fans and critics are already teeming with praise for this film, but what's the story behind this film? Can we really thank Justin Zackham and Rob Reiner for this heartwarming story? Well, yes you can. But there is another important man whose contribution to the story is being overlooked by critics. That man is JD Zuckerman. JD Zuckerman is a greengrocer in a small town in Georgia. He also attended NYU film school with Justin Zackham, in fact they lived down the hall from each other. Now JD did fail out of NYU film school, but not before doing something very important, providing Zackham with a list of all the ideas he had for movies, but would never get to finish. One of which lead to the creation of The Bucket List. The original concept was for the two cancerous man to make a list of people to say hello to when they went to hell. This was changed to make the film more accessible to families.

Below is the original "List of people to say hello to in hell". Written by JD Zuckerman and Justin Zackman. With comments by Zuckerman.

The Hello List:
1) Audrey Hepburn- She was real pretty, so we wanted to let her know we were sorry she was in hell.
2) Joey Fatone- He was the cool looking member of N*Sync and we wanted to tell him that we tried several times to get on The Singing Bee, but just couldn't manage it.
3) John Madden- We wanted to tell him that they are renaming his video game series to Don't Go to Hell Like John Madden Did 2009.
4) Tommy the Green Power Ranger- Well, he was the evil power ranger, but he was still the coolest.
5) Dr. Phil McGraw- We just figured he could help us cope with our hellishness.
6) Richard Nixon- I wanted him to "sock it to me".
7) Paula Deen- We were hoping that with all those flames, down there, in hell, she could make us some real good barbecue.
8) Roy Rodgers- We wanted him to know that he was in hell, because his restaurants sell horsemeat.
9) Trigger- We wanted Trigger to know we never ate him, no matter how good he smelled.
10) JD Salinger- He has my name, so we were gonna tell him that to cut down on confusion I would go by JD Z. and he could just go by JD.
11) Jamie Lynn Spears- We were gonna tell her how she ruined TeenNick and taught pre-teens everywhere that its cool to "Get With"
12) Harry Potter-wizard, enough said
13) Lassie- We were gonna ask her why she didn't warn any of these people they were going to hell.
14) Jack Ruby- Even though he's a murderer, he murdered an assassin. So we were gonna tell him we thought he was a decent fellow.
15) OJ Simpson- We were gonna try and find out if he really did it, I mean why lie when you're already in hell?
16) Mao Tse-Tong- We've always liked the color red
17) Nathan Bedford Forrester- We were curious about whether or not he was surprised he ended up in hell.
18) Dr. Kervorkian- We were gonna ask him if he had ever worked for free

PB '11, AE '11, RH '11

Arctic Monkeys and Upper Peninsulas

Today in Michigan the Republican Primaries are going on, but that's not the only political circus in the area. That's right our favorite son, Count Von Count was also in Michigan today. He was using the media fair of the Republican Primaries as a time to get his message out to voters in the northern state. Count Von Count has gained much popularity in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and is picking up steam in the lower part of the state. Today the first Count Von Count rally was held in Sheboygan, Michigan. The Count spoke to the people of Michigan along with celebrity endorsers Kermit the Frog, Bob Vela, Jim Lehrer, and Richard Scarry. Also British band The Arctic Monkeys endorsed Count Von Count, dedicating a special performance of their song Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong, But... at the rally. The Count plans to move to Nevada and South Carolina next in his campaign and hopes to announce a running mate soon.

Correction to previous Count Update:

The Count would like everyone involved to note that the work schedule presented in the last article was only true prior to the Writer's Guild of America's Strike. The Count has not returned to work at Sesame Street since the strike began and firmly supports the writers' efforts and hopes a settlement will be reached soon.

PB '11

Count Von Count Update

Many of you have asked how Count Von Count has shown in the primaries and so forth. (Not really, but I like to pretend like my entries are relevant to the readers' needs) Count Von Count has indeed been in Iowa and New Hampshire the past few months. In fact the Count was splitting his time between Iowa and New Hampshire while maintaining his position on the TV show Sesame Street.

How is this possible? It is rather interesting how our caped candidate managed to be available to so many citizens. As many of you know the Count is part vampire. With this comes the ability to turn into a bat and fly. Now Sesame Street, Count Von Count's long running job, tapes at 6:00 AM EST and a typical taping lasts two hours, so Count Von Count leaves New York City at 8:00 AM and flies west to New Hampshire arriving at approximately 8:45 AM. Here he grabs breakfast at local restaurants and mingles with the people of New Hampshire for about four hours, leaving around 1:00 PM EST. Count arrives in Iowa at 3:00 CST after three hours of flight. He then attempts to rally his support here for around six hours, leaving Iowa at 9:00 PM CST and arriving back in New York at 2:00 AM EST. Typically this would make for a very tiring day, but vampires/muppets require little to no sleep. The Count spends the last four hours of his day reviewing his strategy for the next day and relaxing with his family.

Now many of you are wondering why you haven't heard about Count's results in these states. Could it be (you are certainly wondering) that he received zero votes and is a miserable failure? Not at all. No, the Count has actually been quite successful in these states. However, the Count does not have much to show for his campaign because he was not included in the caucuses or the primaries. Now, you all know (because you are soooo intelligent) that anyone who pays the $1000.00 entry fee may run in the New Hampshire Primaries. However, due to the nature of his campaign Count didn't enter the primary. He is hoping to throw the polls by encouraging voters to write him in. Also, the majority of Count supporters have never voted before. So in the following weeks there will be a special segment of Sesame Street in which
Count will teach citizens how to go through the voting process.

So now you know that our favorite Vampire is still in this race. The Count will be looking to expand his campaign across the US. So look for the black bat in your area in the upcoming year.

PB '11