Contents Of A Dead Man's Pocket

Content's of John F Kennedy's pockets:

Rosary Beads
The original Space Pen (writes upside down!)
Two pre-missile crisis Cuban cigars
Peanuts compliments of Air Force One
A wallet containing: Pictures of Jackie, Marylin Monroe, Himself, Himself and Jackie, Himself and Marylin, two tickets to see Sinatra in Vegas, and a membership card to the "Tag! Your it! Sniper Club".
Unbreakable comb
"#1 Prez" customized Zippo Lighter

PB '11

FacTakes: Chapel Parody

Here at Harding Humor, we've noticed some of the faculty and staff have very distinct mannerisms that come out when they speak before a large group of students, such as in Chapel.
We are delving into new territory this new semester by bringing you videos of our "best"
impressions of these speakers. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: We do not wish to hurt the feelings of any faculty or staff featured in this
segment. For this reason the subject of the caricature will not be named, however if anyone has a video brought to their attention that they feel is impersonating them, contact our editor Patrick Baird at pbaird@harding.edu and the video will be removed.


UPDATE: Upon revisiting this video 10 years later it is very distasteful and has been removed accordingly.

New Blogroll

Since our start last semester, we've tried to bring a little laughter onto Harding's campus. Many of you have been extremely supportive with your contributions, feedback, endorsement, and your laughter. Some of you have a given us the honor of being included on your blogroll. This has lead to an increase in our readers, and we greatly appreciate it. I'd especially like to thank Dr. Mark Elrod of Harding for getting us out of the small student blog sphere and into the world "legit" weblogs (if you can call any blog legit) by adding us to his blogroll.

So now its our turn to return the favor. We've added a blogroll to our layout containing other Harding blogs. We've also added links to the websites of two of the most prestigious college humor magazines (The Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern and The Harvard Lampoon) and we hope you can at the least get a good chuckle from the material there also.

Enjoy these other blogs and continue to check back as we begin our second semester covering campus life here at Harding University.

Much Love,
Harding Humor

Harding Humor Exclusive: JD Zuckerman

As the road to the Oscars begins and the Hollywood Awards Season kicks off, many new movies come out and capture the hearts of their viewers and critics. One such movie that has just opened is The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, directed and produced by Rob Reiner, and written by Justin Zackham. This heart-warming film about two terminally ill gentlemen who escape from their cancer ward to complete a list of adventures before they die. Many fans and critics are already teeming with praise for this film, but what's the story behind this film? Can we really thank Justin Zackham and Rob Reiner for this heartwarming story? Well, yes you can. But there is another important man whose contribution to the story is being overlooked by critics. That man is JD Zuckerman. JD Zuckerman is a greengrocer in a small town in Georgia. He also attended NYU film school with Justin Zackham, in fact they lived down the hall from each other. Now JD did fail out of NYU film school, but not before doing something very important, providing Zackham with a list of all the ideas he had for movies, but would never get to finish. One of which lead to the creation of The Bucket List. The original concept was for the two cancerous man to make a list of people to say hello to when they went to hell. This was changed to make the film more accessible to families.

Below is the original "List of people to say hello to in hell". Written by JD Zuckerman and Justin Zackman. With comments by Zuckerman.

The Hello List:
1) Audrey Hepburn- She was real pretty, so we wanted to let her know we were sorry she was in hell.
2) Joey Fatone- He was the cool looking member of N*Sync and we wanted to tell him that we tried several times to get on The Singing Bee, but just couldn't manage it.
3) John Madden- We wanted to tell him that they are renaming his video game series to Don't Go to Hell Like John Madden Did 2009.
4) Tommy the Green Power Ranger- Well, he was the evil power ranger, but he was still the coolest.
5) Dr. Phil McGraw- We just figured he could help us cope with our hellishness.
6) Richard Nixon- I wanted him to "sock it to me".
7) Paula Deen- We were hoping that with all those flames, down there, in hell, she could make us some real good barbecue.
8) Roy Rodgers- We wanted him to know that he was in hell, because his restaurants sell horsemeat.
9) Trigger- We wanted Trigger to know we never ate him, no matter how good he smelled.
10) JD Salinger- He has my name, so we were gonna tell him that to cut down on confusion I would go by JD Z. and he could just go by JD.
11) Jamie Lynn Spears- We were gonna tell her how she ruined TeenNick and taught pre-teens everywhere that its cool to "Get With"
12) Harry Potter-wizard, enough said
13) Lassie- We were gonna ask her why she didn't warn any of these people they were going to hell.
14) Jack Ruby- Even though he's a murderer, he murdered an assassin. So we were gonna tell him we thought he was a decent fellow.
15) OJ Simpson- We were gonna try and find out if he really did it, I mean why lie when you're already in hell?
16) Mao Tse-Tong- We've always liked the color red
17) Nathan Bedford Forrester- We were curious about whether or not he was surprised he ended up in hell.
18) Dr. Kervorkian- We were gonna ask him if he had ever worked for free

PB '11, AE '11, RH '11

Arctic Monkeys and Upper Peninsulas

Today in Michigan the Republican Primaries are going on, but that's not the only political circus in the area. That's right our favorite son, Count Von Count was also in Michigan today. He was using the media fair of the Republican Primaries as a time to get his message out to voters in the northern state. Count Von Count has gained much popularity in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and is picking up steam in the lower part of the state. Today the first Count Von Count rally was held in Sheboygan, Michigan. The Count spoke to the people of Michigan along with celebrity endorsers Kermit the Frog, Bob Vela, Jim Lehrer, and Richard Scarry. Also British band The Arctic Monkeys endorsed Count Von Count, dedicating a special performance of their song Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong, But... at the rally. The Count plans to move to Nevada and South Carolina next in his campaign and hopes to announce a running mate soon.

Correction to previous Count Update:

The Count would like everyone involved to note that the work schedule presented in the last article was only true prior to the Writer's Guild of America's Strike. The Count has not returned to work at Sesame Street since the strike began and firmly supports the writers' efforts and hopes a settlement will be reached soon.

PB '11

Count Von Count Update

Many of you have asked how Count Von Count has shown in the primaries and so forth. (Not really, but I like to pretend like my entries are relevant to the readers' needs) Count Von Count has indeed been in Iowa and New Hampshire the past few months. In fact the Count was splitting his time between Iowa and New Hampshire while maintaining his position on the TV show Sesame Street.

How is this possible? It is rather interesting how our caped candidate managed to be available to so many citizens. As many of you know the Count is part vampire. With this comes the ability to turn into a bat and fly. Now Sesame Street, Count Von Count's long running job, tapes at 6:00 AM EST and a typical taping lasts two hours, so Count Von Count leaves New York City at 8:00 AM and flies west to New Hampshire arriving at approximately 8:45 AM. Here he grabs breakfast at local restaurants and mingles with the people of New Hampshire for about four hours, leaving around 1:00 PM EST. Count arrives in Iowa at 3:00 CST after three hours of flight. He then attempts to rally his support here for around six hours, leaving Iowa at 9:00 PM CST and arriving back in New York at 2:00 AM EST. Typically this would make for a very tiring day, but vampires/muppets require little to no sleep. The Count spends the last four hours of his day reviewing his strategy for the next day and relaxing with his family.

Now many of you are wondering why you haven't heard about Count's results in these states. Could it be (you are certainly wondering) that he received zero votes and is a miserable failure? Not at all. No, the Count has actually been quite successful in these states. However, the Count does not have much to show for his campaign because he was not included in the caucuses or the primaries. Now, you all know (because you are soooo intelligent) that anyone who pays the $1000.00 entry fee may run in the New Hampshire Primaries. However, due to the nature of his campaign Count didn't enter the primary. He is hoping to throw the polls by encouraging voters to write him in. Also, the majority of Count supporters have never voted before. So in the following weeks there will be a special segment of Sesame Street in which
Count will teach citizens how to go through the voting process.

So now you know that our favorite Vampire is still in this race. The Count will be looking to expand his campaign across the US. So look for the black bat in your area in the upcoming year.

PB '11

Its Aliiiiiive!!!!

For anyone who has felt the need to inform me that this blog is dead, please, read this post. Although most of my audience probably won't check this out until Harding's next semester starts , those of you who subscribe (and then complain to me) will hopefully be satisfied.

Now, about this blog being dead. Hmmm, let's review that assertion. For some reason I find that statement to be completely false and unfounded. First of all, let's consider how to diagnose death. Although I am not an expert on the passing on of beings, I am positive of a one thing. In order to die something first must be alive. Although it is debatable whether or not a blog is a living thing, I will give you some leeway and assume that this blog was (and still is) alive. So how can you tell if something is alive. Well, one predominant way of determining if something is alive is by checking its heartbeat. Although not all living beings have a heart, this blog does indeed have a heart. A heart is the muscle that pushes the nutrient rich blood to the other pieces of the organism in order to ensure their continuing function. If you would excuse the vanity, I would hold that I am this blog's heart. I ensure that all parts of the blog run and make sure that no bit gets left out. I ensure that every article works at its highest potential. While the heart may have slowed down a bit, I have certainly not stopped working.
Another sign of death, especially with species that operate without a heart, would be that the nervous system stops working. Now, we all know that the nervous system is what allows something to interact with others, so in the case of this blog the internet is said nervous system. As the graph shown above clearly shows, the internet has not forsaken our lovely blog. That is just this last week's activity. Clearly we are in good shape in that department. Well, what about plants? The last few assumptions have been made in the vein of proclaiming animals dead. When plants die, their chloroplasts stop creating sugars for the plant to use as sustenance. The sustenance of this blog is the daily events in my life and my cutting wit and wisdom. I suppose that as long as I, Patrick Baird, am alive that facet of the blog will be taken care of. One slightly less scientific method of determining death is by witnessing decomposition of said subject. It is clear that this blog is not decomposing by any means. So let's review the evidence: The heart has slowed its activity but is still operating and the nervous system is still functioning; the blog is getting plenty of sustenance and is not decaying at all. This seems to indicate to me that the blog is not dead just simply hibernating for the winter, in similar fashion to bears (with the exception of the Berenstain Bears). So for all you naysayers (Andrew), this blog is not dead, it's just not funny (sigh).

Patrick Baird, Editor-in-Chief
Harding Humor

Dinosaur of the Week

Extinctosaurus: The extinctosaurus no longer exists. You do not need to be wary of its preserved skeletons, fossilized eggs, or its pre-historic footprints. You do not need to know that the extinctosaurus makes its home deep beneath the ground or in tar pits. However, you do need to worry if you encounter an extinctosaurus on campus this week because if you do it is a sign that you are probably either suffering from mental illness or about to become regarded in the scientific world. Note: The extinctosaurus is often confused with the closely related exhibitosaurus found in museums across America. Unlike the exhibitosaurus, the extinctosaurus is completely harmless and rarely wanders close to Universities or other facilities for pursuing higher education.

Also, if you do encounter an extinctosaurus this week, 10 percent of any wealth incurred by the find will be charged to Harding Humor as a informant's fee.

PB '11

My Fellow Americans (sorry to all international students, but you can't vote)....

Harding Humor has so far abstained from entering the realm of politics in any way, shape, or form. This is out of courtesy for the many diverse views students have towards our political system in America.

However a new exciting time is emerging in America and Harding University, through Harding Humor, has been called upon to lead the way in this new front.


Harding Humor is proud to announce the candidacy of Count Von Count, the well known educator, actor, mathematician, counselor, musician, and mediator who makes his residence on Sesame Street.


Yes, the lovable, purple Count IS running for the Presidency of the United States. One Word: Legit.

Count Von Count, known to close friends and business partners as "The Count", is not running a traditional race for the Presidency. Using a personal, down-home, approach to the campaign trail Count Von Count is using a radical new campaign plan called the "Write In Revolution". He is seeking to gain a more intimate relationship with the American public and he feels that the best way to judge his success is by denying himself any name recognition at the polls and requesting his supporters write his name on the ballots. If he succeeds he will become the first president in US history elected without a major party, elected solely by write in votes, and the first of his muppet/vampire minorities to be elected (a huge step forward for both minorities).

Now you may be raising some questions about Count Von Count's qualifications for president. These can be dispelled quickly. Count Von Count is 35 years old, he turned 35 on November 1st this year. Count Von Count is a third generation American, his grandparents immigrated from Transylvania during the Industrial Revolution. While The Count may lack experience in public office he does not lack the experience working with others and representing others best interests. For example on April 26, 1973 The Count was able to work through differences with fellow educator Cookie Monster in able to teach children to count using cookies. Can the Count handle the fiscal responsibilities of being President? If the counts name doesn't speak to that perhaps his arithmomania will answer. The Count keeps close tabs on his own finances, as shown on bank security films from November 12, 1974. Despite his title the Count knows the working mans needs. He has worked as an educator and actor for 35 years now and has done brief stints as a musician. For a short period in 1993 Count Von Count worked as an elevator operator.

I believe Count Von Count's track record will show that he is the best man to sit in the Oval Office for the next four years. So join the Write In Revolution and vote for Count Von Count for President of the United States in 2008!

PB '11, RH '11, AJ '11

Mental Health Report by Dr. Mel Arthur

Recently psychologists have made a startling discovery concerning how the average American approaches relationships. Top researchers contend that most Americans are so consumed by their favorite television shows that they adapt their everyday interactions to resemble these shows. The most prominent example of this would be fans of NBC's hit sitcom "The Office". Often they see one or two instances where someone behaves with the mannerisms of a character from the fictional world, so they decide to themselves act like someone from the sitcom in order to have the correct relationship with said person. This is especially dangerous in romantic relationships. An example would be fans of the show "Scrubs", when the male begins to show the personality traits of Dr. Perry Cox, the female resorts to behaving like Cox's ex-wife/lover Jordan. This further confuses the relationship until the masquerade falls and the couple realizes they hate each other and have ruined their chances of having another healthy relationship of any sort for months.
This syndrome, named an "Office Fixation" due to the high rate of victims being infected by that show, is not just limited to sitcom fans. Fans of the drama series Lost have been known to intentionally book flights on sub-par airlines that fly over deserted islands. Also a recent survey showed that 90 percent of Lost watchers expect their disabled family members to suddenly be mobile again someday. This has lead to a number of our nation's elderly being dumped from their wheelchairs and suffering tremendous amounts of damage to their shins and elbows.
How do you know if you are at risk? Basically anyone that watches any sort of television programming regularly is at risk. Don't think that just because you only watch Ken Burns documentaries and Larry King Live you won't fall into an "Office Fixation". Young children are at risk too, don't let you child believe its normal behavior to drop an anvil on someone's head or that they should wear square shaped pants.

The following are the most common behavioral displays of an "Office Fixation" in each age group:

Birth to two years: Seeing another toddler and calling "Boooobaaaaaah" followed by an awkward shaking of the tush.

2-10 years: The exclamation to all masked members of society, "Swiper No Swiping!"


10-14 years: Attempting to play your nose like a flute, wearing suspenders, and answering the question "Are you ready?" with a yell of "Aye Aye Captain!"

15-18 years: Singing Imogene Heap's "Hide and Seek" whenever dramatic moments happen in their life.

18-24 years: Laughing in a high-pitched, nasal voice, talking to dogs, and assuming babies want to take over the world.

24-35 years: Saying "Question" before asking a question and glimpsing directly into a camera 's lens whenever given the opportunity.

35-50 years: Assuming all your neighbors are sleeping around and attempting to join in.

50-65 years: Yelling out price guesses when other people are checking out at the store.

PB '11